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Christmas Eve

Lizzie—

I wake in Darko’s bed and roll over to find him gone. Daylight seeps in through the blinds on the window, and I wonder how late I’ve slept.

Tossing off the covers, I crack open the door to the hall and hear dishes clattering and people talking and laughing in the main room. I close the door and take the opportunity for a quick shower, then dress in my jeans and one of Darko’s thermal shirts with a Royal Bastards t-shirt over it. It’s long on me, so I tie it at my hip.

When I find my way down the hall, I see everyone gathered around the table, and it warms my heart. It’s like the club is one big family—something I never had and for which I always longed.

Everyone seems in a good mood, laughing about some joke I missed. There’s an empty chair next to Darko, and when he spots me, he leans back in his seat and puts his arm out.

I walk to him, and his arm naturally goes around my waist, hugging me to him. He lifts his face for a kiss, and I drop my head to give him a peck. I feel self-conscious in front of everyone at the table and slide into my chair, but Darko acts as if it’s perfectly normal.

“Sleep well?” he asks.

“Yes, thanks.”

“You seemed tired, so I didn’t wake you.” He passes me a platter of pancakes and I fork up a couple, dropping them to my plate. “You want some coffee?”

“I’d love some.”

“Be right back.” He gives me another peck, then moves to the pot behind the bar and returns with a steaming mug.

The storm raged all day yesterday, but we made the best of it with Christmas carols and snuggling by the fire. The clubhouse, being a log structure, is naturally cozy and made for this time of year.

The tree sparkles near the fireplace, and I have to admit, all the glittering decorations we put on it as well as some the children made look great.

After the meal is over, the men retreat to the bar for more coffee with shots of Irish whiskey.

“Come with me.” Kate tosses me a coat. “I want to show you the motorcycle I got for Utah.” She opens a grocery bag. “I have this big bow to put on it.”

I follow her out a side entrance. The snow is deep, but it’s not falling. The skies are lightening, and it looks like the sun may break out today.

The prospects have cleared a path to the big shed, and our shoes crunch on the packed snow.

Once we’re inside the cold metal building, Kate throws the lights on and there, sitting in the middle, is a shiny new black motorcycle. It’s low and sleek and sexy.

“Oooh. It’s pretty,” I say.

“Isn’t it? I hope he’s surprised.”

“I’m sure he will be. Will he be upset you spent so much money on him?”

“I know he wanted it, and eventually probably would have bought it himself. This is more like me giving him permission to have it.”

“I get that.”

“Help me put this bow on it.”

Once we get it fastened, we step back, and I grin, looking over at my best friend. “You’re gonna get laid good for this, girlfriend.”

She waggles her brows. “Girl, I’m counting on it. Not that he doesn’t take good care of me all the time, because he does.” She turns to me. “How are you doing, honey?”

“I’m fine.”

“It’s your first Christmas without Matt.”

“I don’t need you to tell me that, Kate. I’m well aware.”

“I know. But I’m here if you want to talk about how you’re feeling.”

How I’m feeling. I don’t know how to feel. Guilty, sad, happy. A little of all three?

Kate puts her arm around me. “Hey. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to enjoy the holiday. This one… and every one ahead of you. Matt had a dangerous job. He knew that when he signed up to be a firefighter. None of it is your fault. It was a tragic situation. None of us know how much time we have on this earth, and I hate to see you waste another day of it in grief. You’ve mourned your husband. Now you need to let him go.”

I nod, too choked up for words, but I know she’s right. “Matt always loved Christmas.”

“I know, and he loved you, too. I also know what date is coming up, and if you want to go put flowers on his grave on the twenty-ninth, I’ll go with you. I’m your bestie; that’s my job.”

The anniversary of the fire. This year has been hell for me, but part of me can’t believe he’s been gone an entire year already.

“I mean it, Lizzie,” she presses.

“I’d like that. Maybe we could go early. I don’t want to run into Beverly, and I’m sure she’ll be there later in the day.”

“Sunrise then. That seems fitting, huh?”

“Yeah. Sunrise.” There’s symbolism in that.

She squeezes my shoulders. “Come on. Let’s go inside.”

“Kate?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t have anything for Darko.”

“I talked to Rock. He’s got a thirty-year-old bottle of scotch. Said it’s a brand Darko loves. He gave it to me for you to give as his gift. It’ll be fine.”

“That’s kind of him. It’s probably a lot of money. I need to pay him.”

She shrugs. “Then pay him when you get paid. He’s in no rush for the money. Said he didn’t need you to give him anything.” She leans to my ear. “Want to know a secret?”

I lift a brow when she pulls back. “What’s that?”

“I think he’d love for his VP to find happiness with someone, and if it’s you, Rock will welcome you into the family with open arms. And you know what, Lizzie? It’s a damn good family to belong in.”

“I’m starting to see that. You should have seen the way Rock was the other day with the boy who broke into Darko’s shop, and how he treated the kid’s mother. He treated her with respect, and he went above and beyond for her—a total stranger, just a woman in need.”

She nods. “That sounds like Rock.”

“It’s the same way Darko was with that runaway girl. He didn’t have to help her, but he did.”

“I think you’re beginning to realize what I found out—this club takes care of its own, and it takes care of those in need when it can.”

We stroll out the door and head inside the clubhouse, arm in arm.

That night, after all the kids finally go to sleep, so excited for Santa that they can barely contain themselves, the parents load presents under the tree. Earlier in the day, the boys made snowmobile trips to Utah’s, Baja’s, and Rock’s homes to collect the kids’ stashed presents.

I love seeing their happiness and excitement in doing this for their little ones.

Eventually, the clubhouse settles for the night, with everyone drifting off.

Darko tugs me toward the bar and makes us each a glass of eggnog, then he ushers me to the fireplace, and we curl up on the leather sofa.

“This is nice, isn’t it?” he asks.

“It is. It’s peaceful watching the fire burn.”

“I’ve got something for you. I wanted to give it to you when it was just the two of us. Tomorrow is going to be such chaos.”

“I need to get my gift for you, then.” I set my glass on the coffee table and start to stand, but he tugs me back down.

“Not necessary, babe. Just let me give you this.” He pulls a small velvet Royal Crown bag out of his pocket, and I frown.

“What’s this?”

He grins. “Sorry, it’s all I could find to put it in.”

I pull the yellow cords, tilting the bag up and shaking out a necklace. It’s silver with a pendant.

“It’s my Saint Christopher medal,” Darko says. “I want you to have it.”

I study the fine silver workmanship. “It’s lovely. Thank you.”

“It’s kept me safe all these years. Not a single scratch or bullet hole. And now it can do the same for you.” He takes it from my hands and brings the silver chain around my neck, fastening it at my nape. “There.”

I reach to touch it where it nestles at the top of my cleavage. “Thank you. I’ll cherish it always.”

He lifts his glass. “Merry Christmas, Lizzie.”

I clink my glass to his. “Merry Christmas, Darko.”

That night, when we're in his bed, and I’m on top of him, naked and riding him like a cowgirl, his necklace bounces on my breasts, and he grins.

“Don’t ever take it off. Promise.”

I smile. “Never.”

“I like you this way. Naked except for that medal nestled between your glorious tits. Teasing and tormenting me; ain’t nothin’ sexier, pretty girl.”

I ride him until we both come, and I collapse on top of him, my breasts pressed to his chest. His palm strokes over my back tenderly until our rapid heart rates slow and our breathing returns to normal. Then he tucks me to his side and kisses my forehead.

“You wear me out, woman.”

“I did most of the work this time,” I tease.

He smacks my ass. “I like you on top. I get to watch your tits bounce. Nothin’ better.”

I snuggle closer, my hand on his chest, my fingertip tracing his ink.

After a few moments, he covers my hand, stilling my motions. “What are your dreams, Lizzie?”

I blink, because no one’s asked me that in a long time. Things have been so tumultuous in my life, I’m not even sure what to say.

“I know what they used to be. Now, I don’t know anymore.”

“What did they used to be?”

“To be a mother. To have a baby.”

His head turns toward me. “Why didn’t you? Did Matt not want kids?”

“He did. We tried for years. Finally, we took out a second mortgage on the house and used all the credit we had available to start IVF. It didn’t take. The doctors said we could try again, but it costs so much money. I didn’t know how we were ever going to swing it financially. Then Matt died.”

“I’m so sorry, baby. I had no idea. Is that why you lost the house?”

I nod. “The insurance wasn’t enough to cover all the debt and the cost of the funeral, and then I lost my job.”

He strokes my hair and lets the silence hang between us, and to me, the silence is better than some trite expression of sympathy that doesn’t make me feel any better.

“Darko?”

“Yeah, honey?”

“I don’t think I can ever have kids. I don’t know where this relationship is going, but I guess you should know that. If it’s important to you, I mean.”

He rolls on top of me and strokes my face. “First off, it wouldn’t matter to me. Kids, no kids, it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference. Hell, all these years and then I get blessed with Eli. I didn’t get to know him during those fun childhood years, and I feel it when I see the little ones running around, especially now, all excited for Santa. And I know I’m gonna feel it tomorrow morning when I watch their little faces, but you know what hurts more than anything? Knowing how much you want to be a mom. I’d give that to you in a minute, Lizzie, if I could.”

“Don’t make me cry. Please.”

“I want you to have your dreams. Goddamn, I’d give you the world if I could.”

“It’ll be enough to watch everyone else. At least I get to share in it this year with all of you. It’ll be fun to see the kids in the morning.”

He smiles. “They’ll be up damn early, babe.”

“I don’t mind. It’ll be worth it to see their little faces light up.”

“Then I’ll set my alarm for the ass-crack of dawn, just for you.”

And there he goes again, making me smile.