Page 23
Story: Paint Me Dangerous
Skye said I could do it, and Hayden said Austin was just scared because it was new to him. Hayden even told me he liked me too. That’s two people, and they’re very different. And one person can be wrong, but two can’t. Correct?
I couldn’t help but wonder what he would say. And every time I thought about it, I couldn’t help but blush. So, for the first three classes, I thought about it while I was dreaming, sometimes paying attention to the lecture, and then again.
At lunch, Skye, Kira, and I sat next to Jude. They kept talking about Zeke’s disappearance.
“I heard his dad died, so he had to go back to Spain,” Skye says, her eyes wide. I almost choke on my own spit. What?
“Still, he went away. He should have said something before he left.”
I bit my lip to keep from saying anything. It might have been better if they didn’t know.
Jude looked sadder than the rest. If they only knew the truth.
Jude tried to make things better by saying that he was the only guy in the group and that soon he would be a girl or at least gay. While I eat lunch, I zone out of what they’re saying.
I think about Austin again. I nervously turn around to look at his table, but he’s not there.
“Hey, Lyra.”
I get up and put my hand on my heart, which is racing. I turn around to look at Austin. My friends are looking at us with interest.
“Yeah?”
“Can I borrow you for a second? I need to talk to you about something.”
“Of course.”
I go outside with Austin and we walk to the school garden. But there are too many people there, so we decide to go to the empty old building that has a lot of history for me. Or should I say, connected to us?
I can’t stop thinking about what he has to say, and my heart feels like it’s going to explode. I’m so excited that I feel dizzy.
But something seems off about him today. His hair is a mess and there are bags under his eyes. He looks like he’s in trouble, and that makes me feel bad.
Isn’t this the wrong time to ask him to be my boyfriend?
Austin asks, “Do you remember last night?” after ten years. We stand in front of the old building, and thankfully, no one is there.
“Not much,” I say. Well, I remember the dinner, and now I’m blushing. I also remember Daisy. I can still remember getting drunk. And the part where Hayden told me why Austin acted the way he did. I can’t remember anything after that.
He asks, “You don’t remember what you said?” with hope in his eyes.
“What do you mean, Austin?”
He sighs, and I can tell he’s disappointed but also relieved. Is that even possible?
“It’s okay, then. We should go back,” Austin says with a blank face. I can see how much he had started to show his feelings. Why isn’t he showing them again?
“Wait,” I say in a high voice. He stops and stares at me.
I nervously look down at my feet. My palms are sweaty and my throat is dry because I’m nervous. Still, I talk.
“Will you be my boyfriend?”
The cold, uncomfortable silence around us makes my heart hurt as I wait for him to answer. I look at him and my heart breaks.
He looks at me like I said something gross.
“Why?” he asks.
“I- uh nothing,” I say, trying my best not to let my voice break.
“Listen, Lyra,” he says with a sigh as he runs his hand over his face. He moves a little closer, but there is still at least two feet between us.
When I look at him, a new glimmer of hope shines in me.
“I don’t go out with people.”
My heart, which was already broken, breaks even more.
“But-but don’t you like me?” I stutter, looking into his eyes in the hope of finding out what was going on. Was this not a joke?
“Like?” Austin laughs coldly. “It’s just a crush, Lyra. We’ll get over it.”
My heart breaks and everything hurts. A hot tear runs down my face. I can see his eyes following it, but he doesn’t wipe it off. And the look on his face doesn’t give anything away.
“So, that’s it?” My voice breaks, and more tears fall down my cheeks.
“Yeah,” he says with a blank look before turning to me one last time and leaving.
When he is far away, he yells, “You’ll be late for your next class, bunny.” With that, my tears fall quickly, and I can feel the pain in my chest. I have trouble breathing and bite my bottom lip to hide a sob.
If it was just a passing interest, why does it hurt so much?
Is this what they mean by “heartbreak”?
I remember how happy I was when he said he had something to say.
I remember how happy I was when I thought about asking him to be my boyfriend.
I remember putting on this dress and makeup for him.
That’s when something from last night comes to mind.
“I think I love you, Austin,” I had said.
The dull ache in my heart gets worse until I can feel a little pain in my heart. Pain in the body. I cry and feel embarrassed.
What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? Why me, God? Why?
Why?
I felt like I had lost a big thing that day. But I had lost something I never had. It didn’t even make sense.
But it might have made sense. He was the only good thing that had ever happened to me, after all.
Did I ask for too much?
I wipe my eyes.
**************
I look at the girl I love. She smiles at me, and her pink lips stretch out into a warm smile that makes my heart melt. Her baby blue eyes are sparkling with happiness, and I remember that I’ve always loved the colour of her eyes.
“Hey, dude, stop looking at the painting,” Hayden says. I don’t pay attention to him. He doesn’t know what it’s like.
She will never give me that smile again. So, I guess I’ll just look at the painting, which is the only one I’ve ever painted that has colour.
Hayden calls out again, “You’ve been looking at the painting for an hour.” I let out a sigh. It’s nothing; I had been looking at it all night. He has no idea.
I take a shaky breath and leave the room, avoiding Hayden. I walk to the mirror when I get to my room.
I don’t deserve Lyra. She doesn’t deserve a messed up guy who can’t show her love. I can only hurt her. I see her face with tears in my mind, and I feel rage building inside me. She was crying because of me.
She got hurt because of me.
“I think I love you, Austin.”
“Will you be my boyfriend?”
“I think you look delicious.”
I grab a vase and throw it against the wall. The glass falls on me, but it’s not enough. Next, I hit the mirror in front of me. I enjoy the pain and look at the mirror that is broken. It’s still not enough.
Hayden shouts, “Dude, stop.” I hit him in the jaw. He hits me back, and my nose breaks. The pain still isn’t enough.
This isn’t the same as what Lyra felt.
“Use your f*****g brain, idiot,” Hayden yells. I breathe hard. My fist and nose hurt, but my heart keeps beating.
“I don’t deserve Lyra.”
Hayden mumbles, “Damn right, you don’t,” and “She doesn’t deserve a crazy idiot.”
Hayden sighs and looks at me.
“So, be the man she needs.”
He glares at me and then leaves the room.
Be the man she needs?
She should be with someone who loves her no matter what. Someone who doesn’t hurt her. Someone she can always count on. Someone who can provide what she needs. She’s too innocent for me, too innocent.
Is it possible for me to do it?
I couldn’t help but wonder what he would say. And every time I thought about it, I couldn’t help but blush. So, for the first three classes, I thought about it while I was dreaming, sometimes paying attention to the lecture, and then again.
At lunch, Skye, Kira, and I sat next to Jude. They kept talking about Zeke’s disappearance.
“I heard his dad died, so he had to go back to Spain,” Skye says, her eyes wide. I almost choke on my own spit. What?
“Still, he went away. He should have said something before he left.”
I bit my lip to keep from saying anything. It might have been better if they didn’t know.
Jude looked sadder than the rest. If they only knew the truth.
Jude tried to make things better by saying that he was the only guy in the group and that soon he would be a girl or at least gay. While I eat lunch, I zone out of what they’re saying.
I think about Austin again. I nervously turn around to look at his table, but he’s not there.
“Hey, Lyra.”
I get up and put my hand on my heart, which is racing. I turn around to look at Austin. My friends are looking at us with interest.
“Yeah?”
“Can I borrow you for a second? I need to talk to you about something.”
“Of course.”
I go outside with Austin and we walk to the school garden. But there are too many people there, so we decide to go to the empty old building that has a lot of history for me. Or should I say, connected to us?
I can’t stop thinking about what he has to say, and my heart feels like it’s going to explode. I’m so excited that I feel dizzy.
But something seems off about him today. His hair is a mess and there are bags under his eyes. He looks like he’s in trouble, and that makes me feel bad.
Isn’t this the wrong time to ask him to be my boyfriend?
Austin asks, “Do you remember last night?” after ten years. We stand in front of the old building, and thankfully, no one is there.
“Not much,” I say. Well, I remember the dinner, and now I’m blushing. I also remember Daisy. I can still remember getting drunk. And the part where Hayden told me why Austin acted the way he did. I can’t remember anything after that.
He asks, “You don’t remember what you said?” with hope in his eyes.
“What do you mean, Austin?”
He sighs, and I can tell he’s disappointed but also relieved. Is that even possible?
“It’s okay, then. We should go back,” Austin says with a blank face. I can see how much he had started to show his feelings. Why isn’t he showing them again?
“Wait,” I say in a high voice. He stops and stares at me.
I nervously look down at my feet. My palms are sweaty and my throat is dry because I’m nervous. Still, I talk.
“Will you be my boyfriend?”
The cold, uncomfortable silence around us makes my heart hurt as I wait for him to answer. I look at him and my heart breaks.
He looks at me like I said something gross.
“Why?” he asks.
“I- uh nothing,” I say, trying my best not to let my voice break.
“Listen, Lyra,” he says with a sigh as he runs his hand over his face. He moves a little closer, but there is still at least two feet between us.
When I look at him, a new glimmer of hope shines in me.
“I don’t go out with people.”
My heart, which was already broken, breaks even more.
“But-but don’t you like me?” I stutter, looking into his eyes in the hope of finding out what was going on. Was this not a joke?
“Like?” Austin laughs coldly. “It’s just a crush, Lyra. We’ll get over it.”
My heart breaks and everything hurts. A hot tear runs down my face. I can see his eyes following it, but he doesn’t wipe it off. And the look on his face doesn’t give anything away.
“So, that’s it?” My voice breaks, and more tears fall down my cheeks.
“Yeah,” he says with a blank look before turning to me one last time and leaving.
When he is far away, he yells, “You’ll be late for your next class, bunny.” With that, my tears fall quickly, and I can feel the pain in my chest. I have trouble breathing and bite my bottom lip to hide a sob.
If it was just a passing interest, why does it hurt so much?
Is this what they mean by “heartbreak”?
I remember how happy I was when he said he had something to say.
I remember how happy I was when I thought about asking him to be my boyfriend.
I remember putting on this dress and makeup for him.
That’s when something from last night comes to mind.
“I think I love you, Austin,” I had said.
The dull ache in my heart gets worse until I can feel a little pain in my heart. Pain in the body. I cry and feel embarrassed.
What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? Why me, God? Why?
Why?
I felt like I had lost a big thing that day. But I had lost something I never had. It didn’t even make sense.
But it might have made sense. He was the only good thing that had ever happened to me, after all.
Did I ask for too much?
I wipe my eyes.
**************
I look at the girl I love. She smiles at me, and her pink lips stretch out into a warm smile that makes my heart melt. Her baby blue eyes are sparkling with happiness, and I remember that I’ve always loved the colour of her eyes.
“Hey, dude, stop looking at the painting,” Hayden says. I don’t pay attention to him. He doesn’t know what it’s like.
She will never give me that smile again. So, I guess I’ll just look at the painting, which is the only one I’ve ever painted that has colour.
Hayden calls out again, “You’ve been looking at the painting for an hour.” I let out a sigh. It’s nothing; I had been looking at it all night. He has no idea.
I take a shaky breath and leave the room, avoiding Hayden. I walk to the mirror when I get to my room.
I don’t deserve Lyra. She doesn’t deserve a messed up guy who can’t show her love. I can only hurt her. I see her face with tears in my mind, and I feel rage building inside me. She was crying because of me.
She got hurt because of me.
“I think I love you, Austin.”
“Will you be my boyfriend?”
“I think you look delicious.”
I grab a vase and throw it against the wall. The glass falls on me, but it’s not enough. Next, I hit the mirror in front of me. I enjoy the pain and look at the mirror that is broken. It’s still not enough.
Hayden shouts, “Dude, stop.” I hit him in the jaw. He hits me back, and my nose breaks. The pain still isn’t enough.
This isn’t the same as what Lyra felt.
“Use your f*****g brain, idiot,” Hayden yells. I breathe hard. My fist and nose hurt, but my heart keeps beating.
“I don’t deserve Lyra.”
Hayden mumbles, “Damn right, you don’t,” and “She doesn’t deserve a crazy idiot.”
Hayden sighs and looks at me.
“So, be the man she needs.”
He glares at me and then leaves the room.
Be the man she needs?
She should be with someone who loves her no matter what. Someone who doesn’t hurt her. Someone she can always count on. Someone who can provide what she needs. She’s too innocent for me, too innocent.
Is it possible for me to do it?