Page 54 of Out of Bounds
“I have to be honest. I felt a little weird calling you a whore. I got caught up in it, and I didn’t like calling you that.”
“It was part of the fun.” Cliff wasn’t one for yelling things out loud. He was practically speaking in tongues last night, completely bypassing his brain. “Besides, I deserved it.”
Brennan didn’t laugh like he expected. He tilted his head to the side and squinted. “What do you mean?”
“I was getting it at both ends. I fit the description.”
“No, you don’t.”
Cliff’s attempts at humor were backfiring one after the other. Brennan got more serious.
“You’re not a whore, Cliff, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
Well, actual good boys don’t do this type of thing. None of it. They have vanilla sex with their girlfriends.
Cliff turned to face him. “It’s amazing in the moment, but don’t you feel ashamed when it’s over?”
“No.”.
“Brennan, think about what we’re doing and what we’re saying. It’s wrong and dirty and that’s part of the excitement.”
He moved on top of Cliff and took him by the chin, delicately but with intent. “There isnothingwrong about what we’re doing, Cliff. We’re two consenting guys who like certain things.”
Two consentingguys. Reality filled the room fast like water gushing into a tank. Cliff’s eyes found the Blue Rocket, sticking up from the hardwood floor, catching the sunlight. A wave of shame zipped up his spine.
“Normal people don’t do those things.”
“Normal? What the fuck is normal? How many politicians and religious people have we seen send dickpics and do all this freaky shit? You don’t know what people do behind closed doors, and you don’t know what they wish they could do. What we’re doing is...it’s fucking amazing.” Brennan said it with such conviction, as if it was inscribed in the bible for man to lay with another man.
“You...don’t feel a little bit of shame?”
He locked Cliff into place with his gaze as he shook his head no.
Cliff knew he was just saying that to make him feel better.
“We have nothing to feel shame about.” Brennan put emphasis on each word.
“You weren’t the one fucking a dildo.”
Cliff thought that’d make him smile, but instead Brennan rolled off of him and stared up at the ceiling. They lay there in silence, but not the good kind from earlier.
“Have you thought about coming out?” Brennan turned to face Cliff, ripping them from the magic of the last twelve hours.
“Is that a condition of us--”
“No. I would never force you. Whenever you feel like telling people, I’d be there to support you. I didn’t know if it was something that crossed your mind.”
Cliff started to picture coming out to people, to his family, but he stopped the scene in his head. He couldn’t bear to watch it.
“It’s scary. Fucking terrifying.” Brennan took the words out of his mouth. “I wished I didn’t have to tell people. I wished they just knew. That’s how I did it with my friends. I switched a pronoun in my conversation, and they picked up and went with it.”
“And your family?”
“That was more difficult. My dad got up and walked out of the room. That was rough. But we eventually talked it out. I’m glad I did it. It was better than living a lie.”
Cliff hated when people said that. As if not telling people one fact about yourself turned your entire life into a lie. Why did his sexuality have to be what defined him?
“Do you remember when you asked me if I liked basketball because of my dad or for myself? I love it, Brennan.” He put his hand over his heart without thinking, its rhythm soothing him. “I know it’s crazy, but I think about going pro. I want to get drafted. My stats are good. If I can kick ass in college ball, I have a shot. My dad never went that route. What if...what if I have a shot?”