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CHAPTER

TWENTY-FIVE

ANNALISE

J aden hurries over to me and wraps me in a hug. “Oh my gosh, Anna. I’m so sorry.”

That was only the second time I’ve uttered those words. My mom died.

The statement doesn’t seem real. When I told Miranda, it felt like someone other than me was saying those words because how could they be real? She beat cancer years ago. How can something she beat come back for her?

The moment I got the call, my chest tightened, and everything around me blurred. My mind could hardly understand the words. She’s gone. How could she be gone when I never got the chance to say goodbye? In recent years, I barely saw her. She was always too busy for frivolous visits, so I shouldn’t miss her as much as I do. But she was my mother. My only mother. Her absence is loud, and my world feels different. I feel different.

The past month has been the darkest point of my life. One thing after another has broken my heart. One thing after another has pushed me lower than I’ve ever been. I was buried in grief, and I didn’t know how to get out of it. While I know I’m nowhere close to breaking free from it, I can breathe again. Jaden gave me that.

I’m so mad at him, but when he showed up at my door earlier, my heart beat again. I knew he’d save me because, despite everything, that’s what he does. Despite the lies and the women, he knows how to care for me in a way that no one else does. He sees me—all of me. My heart comes alive when he is near. My lungs expand fully in his presence. My soul feels nurtured. I don’t want him, but I need him. He’s so very flawed, but I can’t pretend he’s not the one who can get me through this. I hate that I love him, but I love him just the same.

The contents of the folder cast a world of doubts on someone I thought to be incredible, and while he was in no way perfect, he was perfect for me. Now I don’t know. The knowledge I gained doesn’t match my time with him. My mind has been too dark, and my heart too heavy to deal with my issues with Jaden. At this moment, I’m just glad he’s here because I needed him.

“What happened, Anna?” He rubs my back.

I start to feel numb as I recount the details of my time here since returning from Michigan. “She was sick all that time, and they didn’t tell me.” Tears start to fall, and it makes me angry. I’m so sick of crying, but there’s no stopping them as I tell Jaden the worst part of all. “He didn’t let me say goodbye.”

His mouth opens to speak, but he closes it. The expression on his face is one of shock, and I understand because what father doesn’t allow his daughter to say goodbye to her mother? There aren’t words.

“He said I was a disappointment and I brought shame to her.”

“You know that’s not true, Anna. You are amazing. Please believe me when I say that nothing is wrong with you. Something is really wrong with your father.”

“Her too.” I swallow hard. “She ignored my calls for a month. She didn’t think I needed to know.” I shrug. “I don’t know how parents deprive their daughter of the most precious thing—time. How could they do that? It’s so awful and cruel that I have to wonder if they have a point. Maybe something is really wrong with me, but I just don’t see it. My whole life, everything that has gone wrong has been my fault. I was always to blame, never good enough. The sad thing is that since my earliest memory, all I tried to be was good enough.”

He takes my hands in his. “Please listen to me and hear me when I tell you that you are good enough. You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met. You are beautiful, smart, kind, funny, and talented. You love with your whole heart. I don’t know your parents, and I’m no expert, but something is really wrong with them. I’m sorry to speak ill of your mother, but that’s just not right, Anna. You have to see that.”

I sigh. “That’s what Miranda says, too.”

“Well, Miranda is right.”

“It’s just that every time I start to believe a different narrative than the one that I was raised with, something else knocks me down and validates everything they’ve ever said.”

“Said about what?”

“About me not being enough.”

He shakes his head. “How, Anna?”

“You said you loved me.” My voice falls to a whisper.

“I do love you.”

“Can you grab that folder on the island?” I point toward the kitchen.

Jaden retrieves the folder and returns to the couch, sitting beside me.

“Open it,” I say.

He does as instructed. The first photo is of his father. “Who is this?”

“Are you serious?” I ask. “Look at the next two pictures.”

He flips through the first three pictures. “Am I supposed to know them? I’m confused.”

“That’s your dad and your grandparents,” I say.

His eyes narrow as he stares at the mug shots. “I don’t know these people, Anna. I’ve never met my father or his parents. Not once. I was raised by my mother, remember? I’m not sure these people are related, but if they are, why does it matter? Whatever they did to end up in jail isn’t on me.”

“What about the rest?”

He flips through the pictures. “Where did you get these?”

“My father. I’m assuming he hired someone to look into you.”

“Why?” he asks.

“To prove to me that I made a mistake in loving you. To show me that I just wanted to embarrass him.”

“He said that? That you dated me to embarrass him?”

I nod.

“Anna, we all have a past. You know you’re not the first woman I’ve been with. If these criminals are indeed related to me and I had known they were in jail, I would’ve told you. I haven’t kept anything from you. I certainly haven’t pretended that no other women have come before you. Why does some woman I went to the beach with three years ago put shade on what we have in any way?”

“Three years ago?”

“Yeah.” He points at himself in the picture. “This was before I went to Japan. I didn’t have my koi tattoo yet. I don’t even remember who this chick was. Probably just someone who wanted a picture with me.”

“These photos aren’t recent?”

“No.” He looks through them. “They’re all old. Your dad’s PI probably got them from the internet or off these girls’ social media or something. Wait…” He looks at me, and realization lights up his eyes. “Did you think I was with other girls after you left?”

“I…”

“Anna…” His head falls back, and he sighs. “I have not so much as looked at another woman since I sat next to you on October first. Why would I tell you I love you and jump into bed with someone else the moment you leave? I can’t believe you thought I’d do that to you. I love you. And if we’re speaking truths here… I thought you were over me. I thought you’d moved on. I didn’t hear from you, so I just assumed. And even then, I couldn’t fathom being with anyone else. Now that I know what it’s like to be with you, I don’t ever want anyone else.”

“Really?” Sorrow lines my voice. I can’t believe I let my father manipulate the situation yet again. After a lifetime with him, I should know his tactics by now. “I’m so stupid.”

“No, you’re not. Your father’s an asshole.”

My sadness is replaced with fury as it dawns on me that my father used a lie to keep me away from my mother during her last two weeks of life. He robbed me of a goodbye, all in the name of control. He does not love me. He has never loved me. Miranda has been right this whole time. He loves to control me. The only person he cares about in this world is himself. If I’m truly being honest with myself, my mother was the same way. The pair of them used me as a pawn to make themselves look better. When they couldn’t control me, they tore me down until I was so shattered that they could. I wanted so badly to be loved that I convinced myself otherwise. Growing up, I took every awful thing they put me through and found a way to rationalize it to prove to myself that they cared. But they never did.

I’m devastated that my mom’s gone and heartbroken because I didn’t get to say goodbye. As much as I want to hate them both, they’re still my parents. I’ll always hold a space for them in my heart because I’m not them. I love deeply. But I am done. My father's actions over this past month are unforgivable. I will never let him manipulate or hurt me again.

“I’m such a mess,” I admit with a shake of my head.

“That’s fine. Who isn’t? I love you, Anna. Be my beautiful mess.”

Ever since I received the news that my mother was gone, it’s felt like the ground had disappeared beneath me. I was floating in some awful endless free fall where no one could catch me.

It no longer feels as if I’m falling. Jaden showed up here today, and he caught me. He’ll always catch me.

“I’m yours.” As the words leave my mouth, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.