Page 10 of One Night in Vauxhall Gardens (Singular Sensation #11)

Of course he would ask that of her. In some ways, it was refreshing to know that he would once more defend her, but in other ways, it terrified her, for that would bring her indiscretion to the forefront of the beau monde .

“I can’t let you do that. Just know you are an earl and higher in rank than he, but your spirit is so much brighter.” Each time he kissed her neck or caressed her skin, shivers of need went through her to combat the hot shame and cold self-loathing she constantly battled with.

He grunted. “I’d rather clean his clock on your behalf.”

“And I would rather have you safe.” Then despair caught her up in its tide again despite feeling fully protected in the cradle of his arms. Tears welled in her eyes. “There is a bit more to the story. Once I tell you, I fear you’ll need to make a renewed decision on our engagement.”

“Why?” She heard the frown in his voice.

“You won’t respect me once you know.” No one would.

He put his lips to the shell of her ear. “There is nothing you could say that would make me think less of you, especially after what I’ve done in my own life.” The warmth of his breath steamed her ear, and a wash of awareness sailed through her.

For long moments, she listened to the racing of her heartbeat as she thought over her next words. “Three months after that terrible night, when my menses remained absent, I realized I was with child. Never had I been as frightened in my life as I was that day.” She gave into a shiver, glad once more for his presence. “It would have meant ostracizing and putting my family into gossip. Quite possibly my parents would have tossed me out, and with poor Leo away in the military, I couldn’t do that to him.”

“Tell me all of it.” The glide of his fingers over her skin was both relaxing and arousing. “Rid yourself of that burden so you can begin to heal, so you can look forward to life again.”

She could listen to him talk for hours, that was how soothing his low-pitched baritone was, and right now she wanted nothing more than to burrow into his arms and cry out her pain. But she didn’t. There would be time for that later, perhaps. “In a panic, I visited a midwife outside of London after dark and by myself. I simply couldn’t have a child out of wedlock, couldn’t go through that shame, couldn’t see an infant every day that would remind me of what happened and constantly let the trauma of that day bedevil me for the rest of my life.”

“Understandable, and there aren’t many options for women in such straits.”

“No.” She shook her head. “The midwife said in exchange for payment, she would prepare me a packet of tea that would encourage my body to abort the child.” In the heavy silence that followed the admission, she swallowed down her fear, not wanting to hear his judgment. “Please know, this was an agonizing decision, but one I ultimately made because the alternative couldn’t be contemplated.” Tears continued to well in her eyes. “My parents are high on the instep and conservative. They would have turned their backs on me. What would I do?” A trace of hysteria rose in her voice. “For I refused to become a whore just to survive.”

“I’m sorry you were even put in that position, but I’m glad you trust me enough to tell me.”

“I must, for I can’t keep living a half-life.” She rested her hands on his, encouraged him to hold her tighter so she would feel secure. “After that, I went home, brewed the tea, and ingested it.”

The soft inhalation of his breath was his only reaction. “What happened?”

“It took a couple of days and put me in much pain as contractions started, but eventually I was rid of the babe.” More tears interrupted her admission. “Never will I forget that decision, but I felt I had no choice. Being young and na?ve is one thing, but being young with a destroyed life and no hope of ever regaining that in the beau monde ? I might have well killed myself.”

“No, God no, that is never the answer. Trust me on that.” With his arms wrapped around her holding her close to his chest, never had she been more secure or safe. “As I said before, none of this was your fault. Men who don’t respect women, men who force themselves on women instead of making them feel cherished, are the worst sort of men.” With each word, his lips brushed the back of her neck. “What you experienced was horrid and life changing. I can’t imagine the pain you went through, but it also speaks to your strength of character and your will to survive an impossible situation that society placed you in.”

“You won’t lecture me?” Theresa frowned. “You won’t admonish me for making that choice?” How very… odd. “You don’t despise me?” She didn’t want to even ask in the event it might give him ideas.

“Of course not.” When he nibbled the skin behind her earlobe, a thrill went down her spine. “Those were personal decisions that you agonized over—still do. I have made those myself, and I know what it’s like to struggle with them years later, but I don’t want you to continue hating yourself. It is in your past, and you can’t have any sort of future if you are lost to old things you perceive as mistakes.”

“For what seemed like days after that, I lay in bed with intense pain, bleeding. My maid and my mother knew nothing of the truth, just assumed it was an acute cycle; I was forced to hide the truth. Later, I buried the remains in our rear garden.” At least she’d done that. “But I fear such a thing will be in my mind for the rest of my life.”

“The decision, the pain, the trauma, the thoughts are all a part of who you are now. You can only hope the memories fade as you add brighter ones.” Then he nipped and kissed the crook of her shoulder when it joined her neck. “You made the decision you had to at the time. Since there was no support and no recourse, you did what you had to; how could I judge you for that? I wasn’t in your position, so please, stop keeping yourself in that prison of shame and doubt.”

The words were almost like a ring of keys, and in the chambers of her heart, she heard the clicking of locks coming undone as well as metal hinges of doors swinging open, announcing her freedom. All because of him .

The differences between Harry and that man who ruined her life were startling.

“I knew I couldn’t have been a good mother, especially if my parents disowned me, and with no income or a place to live, what sort of life would that have been? My parents were very outspoken about not supporting mistakes from their children. St. Vincent had quite the time of it.” She wiped at the moisture on her cheeks. “And how could I consign a child to already overly crowded orphanages where they would be lost to God know what?” But there was a light that glimmered for her in the darkness she’d dwelled in these past eight years. “Now you’ve been forced into an engagement with me when you deserve someone so much better.”

Would she lose him too, which would damage her reputation even further?

“Enough, Theresa, enough.” Even the admonition was gentle though the tone rang with authority. “Rid yourself of such thoughts. You are amazingly resilient, you have a good heart, and you are perfectly acceptable as a fiancée.” When he shifted her in his arms, one of his palms brushed over her breast, which caused tingles to move through her belly and her nipple to harden.

“Truly?” What had she ever done in her life to deserve such latitude from this man, a near stranger?

“Yes, of course.” Then he turned her about, encouraged her to straddle his hips with the yards of skirting trapped between them. As she met his gaze, caught the unreadable emotions trapped in the darkened blue depths of his eyes, his hands came down to rest at her hips. “I’m not the prize you apparently think. I’m no longer a young man. I have been far too long alone and don’t quite know how to respond to having someone permanently in my life, and, as you know, my mind is fractured to the point it’s almost debilitating, and one of the reasons why we’re engaged when neither of us want that.” The depressed tone of his voice tugged at her chest.

“If you won’t allow me to wallow, neither will I have you do the same.” She brushed a shock of his light brown hair away from his forehead. “If you want the truth of the matter, we are both survivors, Harry, survivors of trauma of fate perhaps, and we need each other for the reassurance that all will be well with us regardless.”

“Damn, but I am grateful you came along when you did; you make me feel not quite so hopeless, and it’s lovely to not be alone.” Emotion graveled his voice, and she knew exactly why he said that because it was something she felt as well.

“You don’t mind your fiancée has a past?”

“I do not, as long as you don’t mind a fiancé who isn’t whole.”

“You are just as you need to be.” When she couldn’t stop staring at his mouth, she gasped as he put a finger beneath her chin, lifted her head, and then claimed her lips.

And it was just as electric and heated as that first kiss in Vauxhall Gardens had been.

With a soft moan, she leaned into him, slipped her arms about his shoulders, and kissed him back. There was something so satisfying and real about sharing such intimacy with him, and in doing that, she was able to forget about the sins of her past.

It took very little time for him to deepen the embrace, and soon enough, his large hands framed her breasts, but he went no further, apparently content with continuing to kiss her. Only when she bid him to touch her did he dare to loosen the laces at the back of her dress and tug down the bodice and clothing beneath until her breasts came free.

“Harry…”

“Shh, I know.” For seemingly a lifetime, he worshipped her breasts, and with each caress, each nibble, lick, and suckle she was pushed into new heights, exactly like she’d climbed that first night she’d met him. “Do you wish for me to continue?”

Heat slapped at her cheeks, for she had been the sole cause of the scandal that night. “Yes, please.” She squirmed on his lap, grinned when he uttered a groan. “I need this, need your touch I think.”

The earl didn’t answer with words. Instead, he cupped her breasts, worried those hardened tips with the pads of his thumbs, and when a gasp of pleasure left her throat, he chuckled and dared to roll them from root to tip.

Pleasure chased through her insides. In his hands, she was a different person, a born-again creature who craved feeling as if she were wanted on her own merits because she was… her. Needing something to do with her hands, Theresa shoved his jacket from his shoulders, and he was all too eager to help her remove it from his person. His waistcoat and fine lawn shirt quickly followed, which gave her all the access to his chest she could ever want. The heavy mat of light brown hair spread out over his torso in an abstract butterfly pattern called her attention, and when she smoothed her palms along that natural artistry, she sighed.

“So wonderful,” she breathed with a fair amount of awe in her voice.

“Now who is talking gammon?” But he kissed her again, this time with a bit more intensity, and she welcomed the invasion of his tongue in her mouth, seeking out hers, but at the same time, he eased a hand beneath her skirting and her body tensed. “It is all right, Theresa. I won’t hurt you.” The encouragement in the whisper went a long way in infusing calm to quell the fear. “I merely wish to give you pleasure, to touch you and make you feel as if you can fly, and in the process, allow you to forget your last time.”

“I… I…” Dear heavens, with his hand between her splayed thighs, how was she supposed to talk and think about words? “Will it cause pain?”

“No, not at all. It might feel strange or uncomfortable until I can discover how you enjoy being touched, but after that? Bliss.” Once he’d kissed her again, he pulled back and met her gaze. “Do you want me to continue?”

Curiosity trumped fear in this moment when she teetered on the razor’s edge of something she couldn’t quite explain. “Yes.”

“Good.”

Then he moved his hand, glided his fingers through the curls at the apex of her thighs, along those sensitive folds, and slowly, so terribly slowly he parted the flesh with those talented digits. Why, she didn’t know, but the second he rubbed a fingertip against the swelling bud at her center, everything changed.

“Merciful heavens!” She sucked in a breath as her heartbeat accelerated. This was nothing like her first time being bedded.

“More?” he asked softly while pressing feather-weighted kisses along the said of her throat.

“Yes.” Trembling went through her body, and he continued to strum his fingers over that tiny button that held the secret to her entire being. Over and over, he bedeviled the nubbin, tried different degrees of friction and design until she writhed on his lap, grinding her hips into his palm. “Oh, oh!”

“Embrace it, Theresa,” he crooned, and never once did he pause in his pursuit. “This is what you should have had from that man, this is how he should have introduced you to pleasure.”

“I didn’t know… Had no idea…” What was happening? The faster he moved his fingers, the greater the bands of pressure stacked in her lower belly. “What do I…?” Her breath came in pants. “I don’t understand…”

“Shh.” Another kiss. “Surrender to those feelings, to everything that was stolen from you eight years ago. Give yourself permission to grasp the good, because you deserve it, and that’s all.”

As before, his words continued to unlock doors, and before she knew it, a gentle wave of pleasure crashed into her in the first release she’d had in her life.

“Harry!” It was so unexpected, so foreign as heat and sensation rushed through her body from the top of her head to the tips of her toes, that tears welled in her eyes, fell to her cheeks as she slumped into his arms. That was simply glorious! “I had no idea anything could feel like that.”

The rumble of his chuckle sounded in her ear before the sound went into the air. “You should always have that in your life.” When she didn’t answer, he removed his hand from between her thighs. “Do you want to continue? If you bid me nay, I won’t blame you. It’s already a better day since I could help you through some of the horror of your past.”

“Oh…” She hadn’t considered he would want to actually bed her, but the insistent, hardened bulge at the front of his breeches suggested he wanted her rather desperately. And it was far too flattering. What was more, she was ready to go further. Taking his hand, she laid it against the side of her face as she held his gaze with hers. The man had already been shockingly patient with her, and what they’d already shared was breath stealing. “I want to continue. There are still many demons I need to exorcise; I think you have some too, so perhaps this will help us both.”

For long moments, he peered into her eyes, then he turned his head and pressed his lips to her palm. “If your brother finds out what we’re getting up to, he’ll have an apoplexy, and he will definitely challenge me to a duel.”

“Sometimes, Leo is a nodcock, so let’s hope he never finds out,” she said with a wink. “Although, he should have expected this; we are engaged, after all, and that is his fault.”

“Ha.” Once more, his hands were at her hips. “If we do this, our original agreement to this engagement is broken. Are you sure you want that?” He cleared his throat. “Not that I’ll force myself on you in the future, and if you still want our union to be that of friendship and companionship without the benefit of anything else, I—”

“Do hush, Hedgecomb. In the moment, you’re overthinking it.” Wanting to show him that she was serious, Theresa contented herself with kissing him, spent copious moments in the flickering lantern light exploring the secrets of his mouth. As if he’d flipped a switch deep inside her, she couldn’t have enough of him, only wrenched away to breathe. “I can already tell you are going to be as tempting as any addiction.”

“Is that a good thing?” He held himself far too tautly as if he didn’t wish to show her the extent of his base instincts.

“You tell me.”

After shoving herself down his body, she kissed her way over his chest. As she came back up, licking and nibbling as she went and feeling quite uninhibited, Theresa threaded her arms around him. When she encountered the raised or pitted skin of scarring, she traced them with her fingertips. So many scars. Would he eventually tell her the stories behind them?

“Keep going,” he begged in a choked whisper. “You were cheated of this during your first time out.”

“Or are you too much a coward to admit that you’re enjoying this?” Where had that teasing tone come from, and who was this woman who liked courting carnal scandal again to different results this time?

“The line is blurred.”

“Coward.” But she said it in friendship. His chest was far too interesting, so she smoothed her hands over that expanse of skin, furrowed her fingers through the mat of hair, for the heat of him continued to call out to her. “Gorgeous,” she whispered, and ducked her head before she could see the expression on his face.

Eight years ago, she was used as an object, treated little better than a whore for some spoiled braggart of a viscount’s son to dip his wick on a dare. But now? An earl had handed her carte blanche and was encouraging her to take what she would from him. When she flicked the hardened nubs on his pink nipples, he sucked in a breath, but the second she leaned into him and licked first one tip then the other, he hissed out a warning.

“Theresa…”

She chose to ignore him for the moment. “Let me tease you now, hmm?”

Keeping eye contact with the earl, Theresa kneeled between his splayed legs. Quickly, she fumbled at his front falls, but a few of the buttons refused to come out of their holes. Nothing a tug or two couldn’t help. Once his impressive, long thick length sprang away from the fabric of his breeches, she smiled even though her hand shook. Never in her life had she acted in such a forward manner, and she’d certainly never handled a man’s equipage before, but there was something about the earl that compelled her to keep going, a quiet vulnerability he exuded that she wanted to coddle and caress away.

At the last second, she lost her nerve when she would have taken his length into her mouth, so to cover her confusion, Theresa wrapped the fingers of one hand around that shaft.

“Damn!” He nearly sprang off the bed with a cry. “Gently else I’ll shoot off too early.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Immediately, she released him. “Teach me?”

“Yes, of course, but let us rearrange ourselves.” He encouraged her onto her back, and once she wriggled into a comfortable position, Harry came down over her, holding the bulk of his weight on his elbows. “Give me your hand.” When she did, he held her against that part of him that was both soft and strong. “Use gentle strokes and glide your hand up and down. Too much pressure and too much friction will end in disaster.”

“All right.” Though heated embarrassment gathered in her chest, from the noises he made, he enjoyed her handling of his member. How interesting it was to hold such power over a man. Were they all such pleasure-minded creatures? Or were they all driven to bed a woman and then leave her in scandal?

It was too difficult to know.

“Argh!” His cry accompanied removing her hand from his person. “Dear God, leave off the sweet torment.” With a knee between her legs, he encouraged her thighs to spread. “You can explore my body as much as you want next time, but please tell me you’re ready this time.”

Next time?

As his body pressed against hers and the hardness of his engorged shaft twitched at her belly, a thin vein of fear twisted down her spine. What if he treated her like the other man?

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he whispered, and followed the reassurance with a soft kiss to her mouth then his eyes found hers. “If you don’t wish to go further, we will stop.”

How much did she appreciate him?

Theresa nodded. “I want to do this, need to feel you inside me.” It sounded so crass admitting to that out loud, but it was the truth. “Please, Hedgecomb, claim me. Show me why I was cheated during my first time.”

“Ah, Theresa, do you even know how refreshing you are?” The shadowed emotions in his eyes were unreadable, but the graveled way he said that sent a shiver down her spine. Seconds later, he aligned the wide head of his shaft to her opening, and with a kiss to her lips and a powerful flex of his hips, the earl speared into her, and he didn’t stop until he was fully seated. Their moans blended together. “Still with me?”

It was so different than the last time that tears sprang to her eyes. Gripping his shoulders, she nodded. “Yes.”

“Good.” The earl held her gaze as he withdrew from her body and then just as slowly pushed back inside. “If it’s too much…”

“No, this is… glorious.” Though fear still held her in its grip, those talons were relaxing with every second in this man’s company. “Send me flying, Harry. Show me something I’ve never experienced before.” And she held him all the tighter as she brought her legs up to lock her ankles at the small of his back.

“Whatever my lady desires.” He gave her that crooked grin he had that sent flutters through her belly, and once he began to move, all thoughts and fears fell right out of her head, for it was much like an artist working his canvas and leaving all the colors of the rainbow behind to make a beautiful landscape. That was how it felt while coupling with him; he brought out the beauty in her, allowed her to see the same in him and the world around her where before there had only been darkness and despair.

Every push, every stroke, every thrust was an avenue for a different part of her to awaken. Not knowing what to do, Theresa struggled to move her hips enough to receive him, but the earl didn’t seem to mind her inexperience. Faster and faster, he moved, pinning her to the mattress tick, and the friction created by the root of his shaft rubbing against her swollen nubbin stole her breath. She clung to his shoulders in an effort to stay as close to him as she could. All too soon, pressure stacked and built in her belly, but before she could wonder what would happen next, something inside her snapped.

“Oh… Oh!” The same hot pleasure she’d been given when Harry had worked over her button flooded through her body. “Harry!” Her whole body stiffened as the rush took over. Contractions fluttered deep in her core, strong enough to steal her breath. Tears stung her eyes. They overflowed onto her cheeks as she dug her fingernails into his shoulders.

As the earl fell into his own release, he pulled out of her body. With a groan that resonated with pure satisfaction, he edged off her just enough that his ejaculation went into the fabric of the mattress tick instead of in her.

Exhausted, she collapsed into the pillows while he slung an arm about her hips. “Dear heavens.”

“Enjoy that, did you?” he asked with a fair amount of amusement in his tone.

“Yes, but it was more than that.” She didn’t bother to scrub away the moisture on her cheeks, for the tears continued to fall.

A few seconds later, he maneuvered onto his side and came up the bed to lay next to her with an elbow planted on the bed and his head on his palm. “Why the tears? Did I hurt you?” The concern on his face was adorable, and once more flutters went through her belly.

“No, no, of course not.” Quickly, Theresa laid a hand on his arm. “It is merely me coming back to feeling again. I expect it will take some time for new memories to banish the old, less savory ones.”

He cupped her cheek with his free hand and caught a few drops with the pad of his thumb. “I understand that, but truth to tell, I’m glad we’ve bonded in this way, for I’ve found that I trust you implicitly.” When his gaze bore into hers, the look in his blue eyes stole her breath. “I might still feel broken, but now I know I’ll never be alone with that again.”

She couldn’t help it, so she smiled. “It is rather comforting, isn’t it?” As he nodded, she sighed and tucked herself into his side. “Thank you for this afternoon. You have no idea how much it has changed my outlook as well as my thinking.”

What was she to do with her fiancé now? For away from this little love nest, nothing in reality had changed.

Not really. Had it?