Page 34 of Olivia’s Only Pretending (Sweet River #3)

Twenty-Four

M y phone rang in the night, after an already fitful couple of hours of sleep, startling me awake in my fluffy bed. I patted around on my nightstand, with my eyes still closed, until I found my phone and pulled it under the duvet to my cheek.

“Hello?” I mumbled, my mouth dry from sleep.

“Gracie,” I said, sitting up, suddenly alert. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” she said quickly. “Mostly. Austin and I had a long, tearful talk, and I’m so confused.”

I rubbed my eyes. “Tell me about the talk. What happened?”

“Austin and I have been talking again, as you know. We’ve also hung out here and there.

We were sort of acting like we’re old friends who wanted to catch up.

I guess we were trying our best to avoid having the talk we had tonight.

” I could imagine her pinching the bridge of her nose, eyes closed in frustration.

“Maybe I was fooling myself that I wasn’t hoping we’d find our way back.

” She took in a deep sigh. I waited for her to continue.

“Last night, we were with a bunch of friends watching movies and eating fast food. After everyone left, he stayed behind. We started talking about our lives, and it progressed into talking about us. We admitted that there was still something between us.”

It seemed as though two Rhodes sisters were having tearful conversations tonight.

“You talked about your feelings, but did you also talk about your history?”

“Of course.” Her voice broke. “That’s when the tears happened. He says he wasn’t ready then, but he’s ready now.”

“Hasn’t he said that before, though?” I was pretty sure I’d asked this question about Austin so many times before.

“Yeah,” she groaned. “I just wish he meant it.”

It was quiet for a minute. I switched on the lamp. “Why did you call me?”

“You’re my big sister,” she said. “I need sage advice. Wisdom from my elders.”

“Maybe you also knew what I would say. Maybe part of you wants me to remind you that he’s said all this before. You two have sat on that very couch and talked about your feelings, over and over again. And it always ends the same.”

“Do you think …” Her voice trailed off. She already knew what I thought.

“Did he even say he wanted to make it official and give a real relationship a try?”

She cleared her throat. “Sort of.” Which, from conversations past, meant he’d admitted to feelings and wanting all the relationship benefits sans any of the relationship commitments. “We kind of got stuck talking about our problems from the past.”

“Should we call Lucy and add her to our conversation?” I offered, knowing full well that Lucy was even more intense than I was at giving it to Gracie straight.

“No, no. It’s late, and she has to deal with rowdy five-year-olds tomorrow,” she said.

I winced. Lucy would be handling a room full of kindergartners in five hours.

I pulled the duvet up under my chin. “Gracie, you know Austin. You know what a relationship with him looks like. You don’t need me to tell you any of this.”

“Actually, I do need you to tell me this. It’s easy to get lost in the fog of my feelings and the sweet— like, you have no idea how sweet— things he says.

I question if I’m being dramatic about our history.

If I’m not giving him enough credit for how he’s grown.

I start to doubt my own instincts,” she said.

“That’s why I call you up, even if it’s two a.m. I need my sounding board. ”

I thought of my own emotional, tearful talk with Victor only hours ago. How easy it was for me to get lost in the fog of my own feelings—feelings of fear and doubt—and lose sight of what’s right in front of me, forgetting my own instincts.

Yet, I didn’t call anyone up.

I always sat in it alone, turning off the light and wiping my tears as I fell asleep, never calling up my sisters to have a sounding board to talk me through it.

I always answered their middle-of-the-night phone calls, but I never made those calls myself.

What would Gracie say if I told her about my kiss with Victor ? I opened my mouth to share, but the words stayed heavy on my tongue. Instead, my lips formed a firm line.

Gracie started talking again, sniffling on her end of the line.

It was so late. And Gracie had her own problems. And I could handle my problems myself. It was the way I knew best, anyway. Why heap onto Gracie’s bad night? It was better to just listen to her and deal with my stuff another time.

For the night, I had a good excuse to push my feelings off to the side.

T he October morning air was cool as I walked onto campus.

I tugged my gray cardigan closer. Signs for the upcoming Fall Seminar Panel were plastered everywhere—my name billed as a lecturer alongside Ryan’s.

I’d completely forgotten this event was so close, a week away.

And now, with mine and Victor’s pause, he wouldn’t be there in the audience.

I chewed on my lip. Part of me was tempted to send him a message telling him to un-pause solely for this last fall event.

I couldn’t imagine looking out in the crowd and not seeing his supportive grin, the way his eyes crinkled when they looked at me, full of pride.

I’d worked my whole career without Victor around. Why was I suddenly acting like a kid without their security blanket? Except Victor was even better to be wrapped up in. I shivered at the thought, pulling open the heavy doors to my building.

The workday that followed was quiet. I wasn’t distracted by silly text messages from him and thinking up witty replies, or making plans for dinner, or renovation projects to take up my night.

I had to ignore my habit of noticing little moments throughout my day and bookmarking them to talk to Victor about later. Instead, my day was quiet.

My night was quiet, too.

Every day and night the rest of the week was quiet.

Victor had become the rising and falling playlist of my life. And now, the volume was turned down. The music that once flowed through my life, sweet and rhythmic, was on mute. On pause.

Quiet.

I can finally think clearly now , I lied to myself.

F riday night was the one ray of light on my calendar—margarita night with Lucy.

“Let’s go to Chauncey’s for our margaritas tonight,” she said, bellowing through my car speakers.

I hadn’t been to Chauncey’s in a while. It was one of the closest things we had in Sweet River to a bar. Dim lighting, pub-style food, and good drinks, sometimes live music. A favorite spot to host book clubs and birthday parties. It was always crowded, but in a warm, friendly way.

“I’m down,” I said, pulling into my driveway.

I threw on a mauve knit sweater dress and black ankle boots, yanking my copper hair into a snug ponytail before heading downtown to meet Lucy for dinner and margaritas.

Lucy had beaten me there and found us a booth. I stopped by the bar on my way in to pick up my icy margarita. When I found Lucy, I saw she’d also ordered us truffle fries.

“You’re the best,” I said, popping a cheesy, garlicky fry into my mouth as I slid into the booth.

“Well, it’s been a long day,” Lucy said, shaking her head. “Today was a field trip day.” She said the last sentence with an implied enough said in her voice. I imagined her leading an army of kindergartners around a museum.

I clinked her margarita with my own. “Well, it’s Friday, my dear.”

I took a salty, limey sip. Lucy eyed me across the table. “How was your week, Liv?”

“Same ole, same ole.” I shrugged. Which, workwise, was true.

“How’s the Victor charade going?” she asked, her voice clipped with suspicion.

“Oh.” I stuffed another fry into my mouth to buy time. I hadn’t planned to talk much about Victor. I’d intended to distract her with reality TV gossip, then bring up Mom’s dating life, avoiding my feelings altogether like I’d been doing all week. “It’s going fine. Just fine.”

“I know it’s been kind of confusing for you,” Lucy said, leaning in, elbows on the table, her curly red hair falling over her shoulders. “How are you feeling now?”

A loud, familiar laugh erupted from a table several feet away. I glanced over. Victor’s brother, Gabriel Hernandez, was sitting at a table with his fiancée, Emma Brown, and their sister, Katie, and her husband, Terrence. My heart sped up. Was Victor there? Would he show up later?

Lucy’s gaze followed my eyeline. “Oh, how fun. I bet they’re all in town for the upcoming wedding,” she said.

The wedding was in a little over a week.

“You’re going with Victor, right?” Lucy asked.

I swallowed. “I’m supposed to, yeah,” I said. That was something we’d un-pause for, right? Unless the pause leads to a full stop … I rubbed my forehead. I didn’t want to think about any of it right then.

“Are you okay?” Lucy pressed.

“I’m fine. Long day.” I took a drink of my margarita.

“You remember how I’d talk through my Adam drama with you this past summer?”

“Oh, how could I forget?” I chuckled. “I have vivid memories of you resting your face down on my kitchen island and clutching a pillow to your chest dramatically.”

“We’re long overdue some good girl talk,” she said, setting her hands on top of mine between us on the table. I knew what she was doing.

Lucy could sense something was off with Victor and me. She was gently checking on me. But I couldn’t open up about everything right now.

I was afraid if I started unpacking my feelings, I would start crying right here at the bar. Or worse, say something I couldn’t take back that encouraged Lucy to push me to go for it with Victor.

My heart tightened in my chest. Or I’d tell Lucy everything, and she’d shake her head at me, telling me I never should’ve pressed pause. That now I’d gone and ruined everything with him.

“Agreed.” I wiggled my eyebrows, ignoring the ache in my chest. “What’s the latest with Adam?”