Page 64 of Off Plan

“Yiannis. And I’ll have you know, we conducted an extensive search for you, Mason. Up and down.Ngh. High and low. We went All. Night. Long. And wedid not rest.”

I shifted to sit against the bathtub with my knees up and found myself grinning. “Why do our conversations always become X-rated, Tobias?”

“It’s your punishment for running out on me and leaving me to suffer in the frozen tundras of New York on my own.” Toby sniffed.

“It’s May. Hardly frozen.”

“And thencompoundingyour sins by failing to answer a single call or text for a solidweek.”

“I’ve been busy—”

“Mason, sweetness, ‘busy’ is a sham,” he said darkly. “You weren’t too busy to eat, were you? Or shower? Or cavort on the beach and work on your tan? One would think I’d beat leastthat important, after decades of friendship.” He sighed again. “Gone a week, and I’m already forgotten.”

“Hardly,” I told him honestly. “You are utterly unforgettable.”

Tobyhmphed. “Make it up to me. Tell me every detailright nowand I might decide that our friendship can continue. Remember to describe thingsproperly.”

I laughed weakly. “Hard to know where to begin, really.” Which was why I hadn’t answered any of his calls or increasingly demanding texts for pictures and updates. I didn’t want to lie, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell the truth.

Toby was momentarily silent—a minor miracle—and when he spoke again, his voice was serious. “Alright, what’s up? The island not as amazing as you thought it would be?”

“No. Not exactly.” I sucked in a breath and felt tears prick behind my eyes. More like,nothinglike I thought it would be. AndIwas nothing like I thought I would be.

“Tell me!” he insisted.

Well, Toby, the plumbing is trying to kill me.

I’ve watched thirteen infomercials in a week, and I’m considering turning my motel room into an As Seen on TV showroom.

One of my patients ingests pheromones to increase his sexual potency, and has a possibly cancerous mole that he swears grows and shrinks according to the tide schedule on Whispering Key Beach.

My boss is a treasure-hunting con man.

Geckos are fucking terrifying Satan-spawn, and the way they dart around on their disgusting gecko-feet makes me want to burn the entire earth just to eradicate them.

I’m thirty minutes from a laundromat that doesn’t contain reptiles, and I’m sweating through my clothing at an alarming rate.

There’s a man on Whispering Key who looks like a GI Joe doll who rescues kittens and tells me my aura is pink.

There’s a lady here who makes the world’s tastiest pineapple bread as a weight-loss supplement and has very concerning petechiae on her feet, but refuses to stop wearing her too-tight shoes.

And there’s this guy… this one, amazing guy… and he kissed me… and then we… and then we…

“The job’s not what I expected,” I choked out. “I’m leaving as soon as I can find a new one.”

“Ah, shit. I’m sorry, boo.” But I noticed Toby didn’t sound all that upset. “I’m sure you’ll find something else soon. Maybe back here? Closer to the city? We could be roommates, just like the olden days.”

“Also, I… I have a patient,” I lied. “He’s, uh… he’s having a hard time. With his sexuality. Potentially coming out? It’s concerning.” I folded the edge of the shower curtain into a triangle and smoothed the line with my fingernail.

“Oh,” Toby said, all sympathy. “That’s rough. A kid?”

“No, he’s older, actually. Around our age. Which is part of the trouble.”

“Yeah, more complications that way sometimes,” Toby agreed. “He have children? A wife?”

“No, no. Nothing like that! Just, you know. It’s a little odd, right?” I forced a slight laugh as I folded my fabric triangle into ever-smaller triangles. “He’s that old, and he’s only justnowfiguring his shit out?”

Toby was silent for a long minute. “No, Mason. Not odd at all. Come on, baby, this is Gay 101. You know better. Sexuality evolves.”