Page 16

Chapter 16

ZACK

I arrive at the rink in the morning feeling more cheerful than I have in years.

My walk home with Amber yesterday was surprisingly fun, and I loved getting to see her laugh. She’s still that bright, bubbly girl I remember, and I’m happy that she feels comfortable dropping the aloof, professional mask around me.

I do wish she wouldn’t be so worried about her life. There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing her career, she must know that.

I admit that sometimes I get a little jealous, too, when I see people our age living in what seems to be domestic bliss, with their two kids and a dog and the white picket fence.

But I never had that life, even when I was growing up. And living like that probably means having some kind of boring office job, and I wouldn’t want to trade hockey for that. Amber must feel the same way about sports psychology.

There’s an interesting dilemma that comes with being a pro athlete. You essentially have to put the entire rest of your life on hold to become an expert at something that will ultimately wreck your body.

I know I won’t be playing hockey into my seventies, but that’s when most people exit the workforce. If you want to play sports professionally, you have to be okay with the sport being your entire life while you’re a player. Because if you don’t stay in the game long enough, you won’t have enough money to retire, and you’ll end up washed-up and working at a car wash or something because you don’t have any other skills.

I admit, I’m a little worried about what my life will look like when I can’t play hockey anymore. But with any luck, that won’t be something I have to worry about for many more years.

And I love hockey, always have. It’s a worthy trade-off in my mind.

Amber didn’t understand that before, but I think she does now. Her involvement with the team means she understands the way us hockey players think better than ever before.

And the fact that she wants to pursue something with me, even after everything in our past… it has to mean that things are different now. Better.

I’m still riding high on the small kiss I gave her last night. I wanted to do so much more, but I held myself back. We’re taking it slow while we figure things out.

But walking so close to her and not doing anything makes me go a little crazy. I try to channel that energy into my skating, and I’m feeling good. Powerful and sure of myself.

Coach pulls me aside after practice, and I’m worried there’s going to be another lecture, even though I don’t think I did anything wrong.

“Looking good out there today, Colt,” Coach Green says. “Some real creativity in some of those plays.”

“Thanks, Coach.” I’m pleasantly surprised, but glad that Amber’s presence isn’t affecting my ice time anymore. If I can keep this up, we won’t have any problem navigating our relationship in, and out, of the facility.

I shower and change quickly, planning to head to Amber’s office and invite her on a walk with me during her lunch break. It’s nice out today, with a strong breeze to offset the heat. I might be looking for any excuse to spend more time with her, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

I get to her office and realize she’s in the middle of a session, so I hang back by the doorway. Amber’s sweet laugh bounces out into the hall, and I poke my head in to see who’s making her laugh like that.

Brody has pulled his chair right up to the edge of the desk, and he’s leaning forward with his arms resting on it, getting in Amber’s space. Her tablet is propped up between them, but it does little to get in their way. Amber’s leaning on one elbow, giggling at whatever Brody just said. Their faces are mere inches apart.

Before I can stop myself, I burst through the door, jealousy, an ugly monster, roaring in my chest. They both jump and turn to look at me. “You’re done here.” I jerk my thumb at the door, gesturing for Brody to leave.

Amber recovers quickly, her tone all professionalism. “Coach Green must be looking for you,” she says, tossing me a lifeline I don’t deserve.

I jump on the reasoning, trying to rein in my irrational anger. “Yeah, he told me to come get you.”

Brody squints suspiciously at me, but gets up anyway. “See you later, Dr. Morrison.” Amber gives him a small wave, and he brushes past me without a word.

When the door is shut behind him, Amber rounds on me. “What was that about?” She spreads her hands wide, her eyebrows raised.

The anger slowly drains from my body, leaving only the sting of embarrassment. What was I thinking…

“I don’t know,” I reply honestly. “I just saw him getting so close to you, and I couldn’t help myself.”

“Zack…” Amber sighs. “You can’t do things like that. Not while we’re both at work.”

She gives me another significant look.

“If we were out at a sports bar together and you saw a guy getting in my space like that, then sure, you’d have every right to intervene. But I’m just doing my job, and that requires getting close to the people I work with. You know that.”

“But you’re not… I mean, there’s nothing going on…” I trail off, embarrassed that I even feel the need to ask.

Amber throws up her hands. “Of course not! I’m already trying to figure out my feelings for one member of the Jefferson Blades. And that’s you , in case you forgot,” she adds, a small smile creeping across her face.

I smile back sheepishly. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Just don’t do it again.” Amber sits back, folding her arms. “Now is there a reason you came to see me, or did you just want to break my door off its hinges?”

“I wanted to ask you to come on a walk with me on your break,” I say, remembering the real reason I was at her office in the first place. “There are some things I wanted to talk to you about.”

Amber stands, grabbing her phone. “Well, my last session happened to end a little early, so I’ve got some time now. Shall we?”

We head out of the facility and I lead her to Miller Memorial Park. It’s just around the corner from the facility, and it’s my favorite place to go when I need some peace and quiet. The sun’s out, the air is crisp, and the birds are singing.

Amber and I stroll down the path that winds through the trees just starting to show their fall foliage.

“The red oaks are beautiful in the fall.” I point to the trees surrounding us. “All the leaves turning red and orange and it almost looks like the trees are on fire.”

“I wonder if that’s how Red Oak got its name?” Amber asks, staring up at the trees in wonder.

“Must be.” I shove my hands back into my pockets and we continue on in silence.

A moment passes before Amber starts eyeing me. “You said there was something you wanted to talk to me about…?” she reminds me.

“Right.” I sigh, not sure I’m ready for this. But I know my secrets are standing between us being able to form a real relationship. I have to tell her the truth.

I lead Amber over to a bench and we sit down together, our knees touching. Somehow that little bit of contact, the warmth that spreads between the two of us, is enough to push me into my confession.

“I know you’re always wondering why I cared about hockey so much. And you’ve never been able to fully understand how, or why I’m able to put it above everything else, all the time. Well… it was really all I had.”

“My mom raised me alone. No child support. No help. Just a parade of boyfriends. You’d think they would have helped make things better, but they only made things worse. They… weren’t very nice to me.”

I let Amber fill in the blanks for herself. No use dwelling on the nastier parts of my past.

“That’s why I was at your house so often. I was trying to avoid the latest jerk. Plus, I needed the normalcy of your family. Your parents treated me like parents I never had. It felt so safe there.”

Amber’s hand finds mine, and that gives me the courage to go on.

“As soon as I was old enough, I started working twenty to thirty hours a week, just to keep a roof over our heads and pay for my hockey expenses. My grades started slipping, and Mike noticed.

He didn’t ask questions, just helped me out by tutoring me. He’d even help pay for hockey costs when I couldn’t cover it. Mike is probably the only reason I graduated high school, let alone continued playing hockey.”

“That’s…” Amber just shakes her head slowly. “I am so sorry, Zack. I can’t say that enough.”

“I’m not telling you this so you can pity me.” I hate seeing that look on her face. I feel bad enough for myself already.

“I just want you to know the truth. Hockey was the only way out for me. It was my chance to get away from my crappy situation, and to, hopefully, give my mom a nice life, so she didn’t have to rely on anyone else.

And you…” I close my eyes. “I tried to tell you back then. I wasn’t good enough for you. Plus, I couldn’t give you the time and attention you deserved. But I was too embarrassed to tell you why. And as you know, I have never been good at expressing myself.”

“So yeah. If anyone owes an apology, it’s me. I’m sorry, Amber—for the past, for not explaining, for not being the guy you needed. But now you know everything.”

I just hope it’s not too late.