Page 35 of October (New Orleans #10)

M olly sat on the end of her bed without moving for well over an hour.

She just stared at her hands, and when she finally realized that she really had to pee, she stood up, went to the bathroom, and decided to get dressed for breakfast. She was meeting Juliet at nine-thirty, at a diner they both loved just outside of the Quarter, and she had tons of time, but she couldn’t stop herself from getting ready anyway.

Then, she sat on the sofa and thought about going through all the new puppy supplies before she remembered that they had driven Finley’s car to buy them, and they’d been in such a hurry to tear each other’s clothes off that they hadn’t brought them upstairs. They were still in Finley’s trunk.

“Because, of course, they were,” she said to herself.

She checked the time on her phone and decided to get to the diner early. She needed at least three cups of coffee to get through the day anyway.

◆◆◆

“Hey,” Juliet said. “How long have you been here?” She eyed the open and empty individual creamers on the table. “That’s at least three cups for you.”

“Yes, I’ve already had three cups and peed twice while waiting for you,” she replied.

“I’m on time,” Juliet noted as she sat in the chair across from her. “We said nine-thirty, right?”

“Yes, we did,” she said. “I had a night.” She sighed.

“A good one, I hope. You left with Finley, and it was pretty clear what you two were going to do. You are a really bad actress; you know that, right?” Juliet teased, but Molly sobered. “Molls, what?”

“I definitely know I’m not a great actress because I’m pretty sure Finley knows that, too.”

“Huh?”

“Hi there. What can I get you?” a woman asked when she approached their table, smacking gum between her teeth and holding an order pad.

“Can I get coffee and pancakes?” Juliet asked. “Three stack.”

“Sure.”

“I’ll just have the same. But can I have bacon on the side and extra syrup?” Molly asked.

“No problem. And be right back with your coffee,” the woman added to Juliet before walking away.

“Molly, what are you talking about? Did you two not–”

“We did,” Molly interjected. “And I fucked it up.”

“What do you mean, you fucked it up?”

“I mean that I don’t think I was ready.”

“To be with her?”

Molly nodded and said, “I got a little carried away at the bar last night. She was touching me, and I was on fire. I’d just talked to Ava and told her that we weren’t going anywhere.

She was cool with that, but I think Finley got jealous, and that turned me on more.

Then, suddenly, she’s in my apartment, and I’m pressed to the door, and things are just happening. ”

“Did you tell her?”

“No, because I thought I was ready. How could I not be? I’ve wanted her forever, Jules. She’s perfect.”

“She’s not perfect. She’s a human being, just like you and me, Molls.”

“But she’s Finley. I’ve had so many fantasies about being with this woman; I’ve lost count.

In every single one, I made her come, and she was so impressed that she wanted another one immediately, and she made me see actual stars.

Seriously, Jules, I’ve dreamed about her actually getting me to see stars. ”

“Was it not good?” Juliet asked, squinting.

The waitress then dropped off Juliet’s coffee and walked away again.

“I think it could have been. I was just all in my head, so I couldn’t stop the thoughts from seeping into all the moments that should’ve been so amazing but weren’t.”

“What thoughts?” Juliet asked as she doctored her coffee.

“All the thoughts. Didn’t you have them when you and Gwen got together for the first time?”

“I think I mainly remember thinking that my girlfriend was really hot naked and that I wanted more.” Juliet tilted her head.

“You’re thinking about that now, aren’t you?”

“Always, really,” Juliet said with a laugh. “But we had sex this morning, so I’m good. Well, I’m good for now.”

“Jules, focus.”

“Sorry,” Juliet replied. “But if I’m being serious, I was nervous, sure. Who isn’t their first time with someone who might be the one?”

“Gwen is the one?”

“I don’t know. I have moments where I look at her and think that this is it; she’s it for me.

Then, I try to remember that we’ve only been together for about a month, so it’s too soon to think that, but I feel it.

I feel it when we’re together. I felt it this morning, too, and I don’t mean that in a sex way.

Before and after, when we just lay there, holding on to one another, I felt it. ”

“I feel that when she holds me,” Molly shared.

“Yeah? That’s great, Molls.”

“She holds me from behind sometimes, and I feel like I’m the safest I’ve ever been.”

“So, what happened last night, then?”

“I couldn’t stop thinking about how I might disappoint her; how India was probably a great lover and knew all about Finley’s body, which made me want to throw up a little. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to make her feel good, and when we were…”

“You can say the words, Moll. We’ve both had sex before.” Juliet smiled at her.

“Fine.” Molly leaned in and then spoke softly, “She was doing that thing where certain things touch, and well, she was on top. We were pressed together, and she was clearly going to come, but I wasn’t doing anything.

She was doing all the work. I just lay there like an idiot who couldn’t even focus on the fact that the hottest woman I’d never thought I’d have was touching me and coming, and I couldn’t come myself, so I… ”

“Oh, no.” Juliet leaned back in her chair. “You didn’t.”

“I did. But she was busy on top of me, so I didn’t think she’d noticed. She might not have. I’m not sure.”

“You faked it, Molls?”

“She was coming, and it was like, she wanted me to do so, too, and I didn’t want to let her down, but the thoughts wouldn’t stop.”

“Did you tell her what was going on?”

“No, because then, she was touching me again, and it was just about me this time, and I still couldn’t come. I swear, I wanted to, Jules. I really, really wanted to. But I couldn’t get out of my damn head, and it had been a while, so I–”

“Molly!”

“I know…” she said, covering her face with her hands. “I can’t believe I did that to her.”

“Twice!”

“She might only know about the one.”

“Still,” Juliet said.

“I know. Trust me, I know. I feel awful.”

“What happened when you touched her?”

“Nothing because I didn’t. She didn’t want me to, and I think it’s because she knew I’d just faked it. I hardly slept, and I think she might have been up all night. I don’t know. At, like, five, though, she was up, and I was up, and we took a shower together.”

“You better not have faked it a third time.”

“I didn’t. And we didn’t do anything. I mean, we took a shower, but that was it.

Then, she left. She said she was wired and needed to deal with the energy, but she could’ve stayed.

There are other ways to deal with excess energy that she didn’t want anything to do with because I am such a fucking spaz all of a sudden.

What happened to me, Jules? I’ve had sex before, and it was fine.

I didn’t freak out like this. I didn’t lie to someone I care about. ”

“You really do love her, don’t you?”

“Duh. Where have you been?”

“No, I mean, I thought it was just an infatuation thing at first. You loved who you thought Finley was, but you didn’t really know her. You do know her now, though, and you love her.”

“When she holds me, Jules, it’s the only place I want to be ever again: in her arms. Last night, when she was on top of me, it was everything I’ve ever wanted, and I messed it up. I am so tired of messing things up with her. How many more chances is she going to give me before she leaves?”

“Molly,” Juliet began as she leaned back in. “You need to talk to her. You need to tell her what happened.”

“And see a shrink, apparently. A therapy app just isn’t enough for someone like me with my issues.”

“Anxiety?”

“Like my dad,” she said with a shrug. “I think it’s just hitting me more now because of Fin. It’s never been like this before. You know me.”

“I do. But so does Finley. And I don’t think she’s going to give up on you when you tell her what happened. I’d be flattered. Does that make me sound bad?”

“You’d be flattered if I faked an orgasm with you?”

Juliet laughed and said, “No, but I’d be flattered that I mattered so much to you, that you got that nervous. I’d want to try again and help you through it.”

“You’re taken, Jules. Don’t let Gwen hear you talk like that.”

“I love Gwen. Had this happened our first time, I’d want her to tell me so that we can work through it.”

“It’s sex. It’s our first time. We shouldn’t be working through it.”

“Okay. I know you’ve had bad first times before.

You know that’s what happens, like, ninety percent of the time.

It’s like, ‘No, not there. Over there. No, too hard. Not hard enough. Higher. Lower now. Let’s try again.

Sometimes, it just takes me a while,’ and all that.

We’ve all had that kind of sex before, especially the first time you’re with someone. ”

“Was it like that with Gwen?”

“No, but she’s just… I don’t know. I was nervous, but I wasn’t anxious. I haven’t been in love with Gwen for years, though. I haven’t been in meetings with Gwen’s girlfriend or watched her kiss that girlfriend in the parking garage. I imagine, that’s part of what you’re dealing with here.”

“Yes,” she said.

“Finley deserves honesty, Molls. You know that.”

“I know,” she agreed. “And I’m going to tell her if she doesn’t already know.”

“You should. And you should be able to talk about all of this with her. The thoughts, the feelings, and the faking it.”

“Here are your pancakes,” the waitress stated, setting down their plates in front of them.

“Faking the test results,” Molly lied. “For the pregnancy test. No, that sounds awful, too. I didn’t mean that.” She looked up at the waitress.

“Your life, honey,” the woman replied before leaving them alone again.

“God, you are terrible at lying,” Juliet said, laughing.

“And sex , apparently.”

“Sorry, I forgot your bacon.”

The waitress had turned around when someone else had handed her the side plate with four strips of bacon on it.

“You heard that?” Molly asked her.

“I heard nothing.” The woman winked at her.

“She’s getting a huge tip,” Molly said when the woman left.

“Hey, there’s a barbecue at Elisa and Myra’s today. Gwen and I are going. Everyone’s going to be there, from what she told me. We’re bringing Carly so that she can play with Buster. You should come and bring Finley.”

“To a barbecue with, like, a bunch of people who will think we’re a couple?”

“Aren’t you?”

“We’re dating. I can’t imagine she’ll want to take that step with me anytime soon, after what I pulled last night.”

“Finley will understand. Just invite her. We’re heading over around two.”

“But do I have to? I was planning on sitting around my apartment, moping and eating a bunch of junk food.”

“Molly, you can do this. You can finally have the girl you’ve always wanted because she’s totally crazy about you.”

“How do you know that?”

“Please, we can all see it. We were talking about you after you left last night. I could tell from the Saints’ game.

Gwen said she could, too, but I think she’s just lying.

” She smiled. “Finley lit up around you that day. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen her like that, honestly, and I’ve spent more time with her than you have.

I can tell you for sure that I never saw her look at India how she looked at you when you were stabbing ketchup-covered garlic fries with a plastic fork.

Then, last night, she was all over you, and I’m sure some of that was jealousy because Ava was there, but she looked happy, Molls.

Like, really happy. And I’m sure right now, she’s probably just as worried as you are about what happened last night. ”

“You think she’s worried?”

“I would be. If I thought Gwen had faked it with me and possibly more than once, yeah, I’d be worried I wasn’t good enough and she had pitied me instead of just being honest. I’d worry she didn’t feel like she could trust that I wouldn’t make it about me or her.

It would be about us together. I’d worry that maybe she’d had second thoughts about us and–”

“I’m not having second thoughts. I want her. I love her, Jules. I love her in the way you love Gwen. She is building me a computer I don’t need, and she went shopping for my new puppy. She loves that I eat junk food like a kid, and she–”

“She what?”

“She’s beautiful when she comes, and I want to be the one to make her feel that good.”

“Molly, you were,” Juliet told her with a soft smile. “She was with you .”

“It’s not like I actually moved or anything.”

“That doesn’t matter. She was with you .

You did make her feel good. We’re eating breakfast, but I think you should call her after.

Invite her to the party. There will be a lot of people there, so you can just be with her around everyone else for a while, and it might help ease the pressure before you talk to her. ”

“Do you think it’ll be better the second time?”

“I think it can be, if you talk to her and tell her what you’re thinking or feeling.”

“Yeah,” she said and stared down at her bacon. “She’d love that I got extra syrup to dip my bacon in.”

“She’d probably think it was cute,” Juliet said.

“I’ll call her and invite her.”

“Good.”

“And I’m going to talk to someone else, too.”

“Someone else?”

“A therapist. For real, I mean. I think I need to find out why it’s suddenly hitting me when it never did like this before.”

“I’m not going to talk you out of that if you need it, but is it impacting you in any way outside of Finley?”

“Sometimes, but it’s usually pretty mild.”

“Well, do whatever you think you need to do, Molls, but my guess is that it’s extra heightened because you’re dating the woman you’ve been drooling over for years, and that’s scary.”

“Hey!” Molly laughed. “I didn’t drool.”

“You sure? I sat across from you for a while there, and I seem to remember drool.”

“Asshole,” Molly said through her laughter.