Page 122 of Not In The Contract

“Fuck that,” Taylor chided without missing a beat. “She’s given you an invitation, Alex. She wants to see if you’re going to let her walk out on this or not.”

“She seemed adamant about not wanting to be a part of my life, because of-”

“At the risk of repeating myself, fuck that,” Taylor said. “Jamie’s your sister, and you guys have your shit to deal with, sure. But how about you do what makes you happy for once? Devon makes you happy, and don’t even try to argue that.”

“You know what happens every time I try to do what makes me happy?” I put her words in air quotes, just in case she missed my dripping disdain for the phrase and all it stood for.

“I wouldn’t know, Alex. I’ve never seen it happen.”

“You wouldn’t have, because I stopped a long time ago,” I replied with a sigh. “Because every time I tried it in the past, I’d get knocked back, or beaten the fuck down. Like life or the universe, or whatever, felt the need to take me down a few notches for having the gall. It’s exhausting, Taylor. To want something so badly, and then to find myself worse off than when I started. Without the thing I wanted.” I slouched back in my seat, defeated.

“I didn’t expect this of you, Alex,” Taylor said. “Of all people…”

“What’s that supposed to mean? What didn’t you expect?” I knew she was aiming to get me riled up, but to what end I wasn’t sure.

Our drinks were on their way over. Two more shots of espresso wrapped in cinnamon-y goodness. Not much of a consolation considering the topic at our table, but I was looking forward to the buzz that was about to kick in.

“Could I please see your breakfast menu again?” Taylor asked the waitress as she was about to leave.

My good friend made a point of giving me a look that said this was my fault. Our meeting was supposed to be coffee and preliminary Singapore discussions. Now she was being forced to think of her next meal, and we hadn’t even touched on her resort yet.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” I said, deciding to put us out of our misery and steer away from all things Devon. “I’ve been married to my work my whole life. This is how you know me. And speaking of work…”

Taylor snapped her laptop shut as I tried pulling it back to the middle of the table.

“That’s what I was talking about before. What I meant, Alex… Since you need me to spell it out for you.” She sighed heavily and scanned the coffee shop as though she’d find the right words painted on the faces around us.

“Are you going to start spelling, or?”

“Deflecting the seriousness of the situation with stupid jokes is only going to get you so far, Alex.” She shook her head slowly, her eyes pouring into mine. There was nothing but love and concern there, which made me feel worse.

“I don’t know what you want from me, Taylor.” I relaxed into my seat. Well, relaxed is probably not the best descriptor, since every part of me was tensed up.

“I want you to be honest with yourself, especially now,” she replied earnestly. “This whole ‘Happiness is for other people’ schtick is getting old fast, and it sucks to keep watching you kid yourself out of the kind of life you deserve.”

A bitter laugh rose out of me. “I’m successful, doing what I love, have more money than I know what to do with sometimes, and-”

“A kid sister who won’t respect boundaries, and an empty bed.” Taylor fixed me with a knowing look. “An empty bed, kept that way by your relentless hold on past disappointments and abject refusal to be vulnerable.”

“Abject? Jesus, okay. No more espresso for you.”

That was the best response I could muster in the moment. She’d gone straight for the jugular and left me reeling. What was I supposed to say to that? How could I make her understand my side? The reason I got to where I was in my life was exactly because I kept the past fresh in my mind. To scare me. To remind me that I could end up back there if I didn’t watch my step.

And vulnerability? That was the fastest track to Been There, Done That. I didn’t need another commemorative t-shirt, thanks.

41. Avoidance 101

Devon

Thedaysblurredintoa week, and the gulf between Alex and me only seemed to widen. Like some cruel twist of fate, Jamie’s demands on her time had escalated and I found myself spending more time alone.

“Again?” Tam wasn’t in frame but I could feel the extent of her eyeroll.

“These things don’t write themselves,” I snarked without a break in my typing.

She’d wanted a call and I had her propped on my bedside table while I worked on my thesis.

My thesis was all I’d been doing lately, what with all the time I suddenly had on my hands. Working on my thesis while my heart ached for Alex.