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SEVENTEEN

DANNI

I spend most of the evening staring at photos of Rose and Alfie.

She does really look in love. I’m so happy for her. I’m so fucking happy for her that I have to bite down hard on my fist to stop the tears of happiness from spilling over.

Once I’m sure I’ve read every article covering Rose and Alfie’s kiss that was posted today—which is super fun for me, especially when it comes to the articles that include toddler photos of the two of them, pointing out that they’re basically soulmates the whole country has expected would end up together—I try to comfort myself with the new episode of my current med drama fixation. When even that doesn’t work—which is kind of crazy, because the last episode ended with my favorite character getting in a car crash—I decide that it’s time for some piano practice. So, I get my stuff, stalk over to the ballroom, lift the piano lid, and slam my hands on the keys, filling the room with a burst of clashing notes.

I’m so. Goddamn. Thrilled.

Part of me half expects Caroline to burst through the ballroom doors to lecture me for abusing the piano. But no one comes. I’m totally alone. So, totally fucking alone, I play the first thing that comes to mind. It’s a comfort song, one I learned when I was fifteen, after my first—and only—big breakup with my boyfriend of three months, Matt. He dumped me, if it matters. He said he’d gotten close to some girl he met on the bus, but he definitely didn’t cheat on me, so I didn’t have to worry. Cheating, no cheating, whatever—it was still heartbreak, and it still made me feel ugly, uninteresting, and desperate.

Anyway, I learned this song by heart that day. It’s not the saddest song I know, or the slowest, but it has beautiful lyrics. It compares the death of love to lying in the middle of a rose garden until the vines overwhelm you and—anyway. It always makes me feel better to play this.

Today, playing it doesn’t seem to be doing a whole lot for me. So I start it from the top, and wait for this feeling to fade.

You can’t miss it when someone comes in the ballroom. The door is massive and heavy, and when it falls shut the room shakes, like it’s doing right now. I stop mid-chord and turn around to see Molly crossing the room.

“Have you been crying?” she asks, her eyes on mine.

I give her a manic smile. “Nah, hay fever.”

“Oh, right.” She pulls up by the piano and looks down at me. “Are you coming to dinner?”

How is it dinnertime already? Have I been playing the same song on repeat for half an hour already? That’s a weird thing to do. “Um, I’m not super hungry.”

She doesn’t move just yet. It’s a Sunday, and meals are more casual on the weekends. No dressing up in black robes, and lining up at the door, and prayers in Latin. Just an hour where you can stroll in whenever you feel like it and grab food.

“It’s a nice song,” Molly says, patting the piano like it did something right.

“Thanks. I like it a lot.”

“I can tell,” she says with a laugh. I remember the ballroom isn’t exactly soundproof, which means anyone in the courtyard probably overheard my thirty-minute rendition of “Roses and Him.” This day just gets better and better.

“Did you see the news?” I ask, super casual.

“I did. Personally, I don’t think we need another stadium, but I heard they’re hoping to host the Olympics one day soonish, so.”

I give her a blank look. She stares at me, then pretends to realize what I was talking about. “Oh, you mean about Rose and Alfie.”

Somehow, I manage to stop myself from rolling my eyes. Just because I’m in a shitty mood doesn’t mean I have to take it out on Molly. “Yes, Molly, I meant that.”

“Yeah, I saw it.”

“Are you surprised? I mean, I didn’t know that was even a thing. There’s so much I’m out of the loop with, though, so I guess I missed it? Maybe?”

She leans her elbow on the piano and tips her head back. “Eh, I guess I figured it’d happen eventually. Alfie’s been into her for years.”

“Yeah, totally,” I say, like this isn’t news to me at all. “But, I don’t know, Rose never really mentioned him like that. Not to me, anyway.”

Molly takes a deep, slow breath, and I’m reminded of Mom when I’m in a whole heap of trouble and she’s trying to calm herself down before she tears my head off. “Look,” she says. “Please don’t be offended. I promise I’m not annoyed with you. But I really, really don’t care about Rose’s love life, and I don’t want to talk about it, if that’s okay.”

“Oh my god, totally fine. I get it.”

“Actually…” She catches herself, like she’s thought better of what she was going to say. Then she gets a determined look. “I’ve been thinking, and I could really use some space from Rose. I didn’t know how to tell you in a way that doesn’t make it sound like I want you to choose between us, because I really don’t. I just think I’d like to spend less time with her if I can.”

I guess I’m not surprised to hear it. If anything, I’ve been figuring something had to give between the two of them eventually, one way or another. How long can you give someone the silent treatment if you’re eating every meal with them, and hanging out in the same group with them after class? But I’ve never really seen Molly hang with anyone outside of our group. Being internet famous apparently doesn’t translate to having endless real-life friends. And if she’s not expecting us to cut Rose off or choose sides, what does that look like for her, exactly? Her sitting by herself, livestreaming her lunch?

The thought makes my stomach twist. After everything Molly did for me when I started here? I mean, she’s the reason I never spent a second sitting by myself at meals, or in class. I can’t stand the thought of it happening to her.

I think back to Rose. The rugby game. At the palace. Our text exchanges, and how they went from weekly to daily.

But I haven’t heard from her since this morning. She left me on read. To go and kiss Alfie.

As much as I don’t want to lose Rose or Eleanor as friends, I can’t help feeling like a bit of space from Rose might not be the worst thing in the world for me, too. Maybe if I take some time to hang with just Molly for a few weeks, it’ll give Molly a chance to cool down, and I’ll be able to kick this stupid little crush. I know from past experience it’s not easy to shut feelings down if you’re spending time with the person every day. And the last thing I need is to be pining after a taken girl for the next year.

Nip it in the bud, right?

“If you want to hang out one-on-one for a while, I’m fine with that,” I say.

Molly looks like she could kiss me. Not her, too. I really am seeing it everywhere. “Really?”

“Sure. You said you don’t want me to pick sides, right? Like, this isn’t going to be a declaration of war or anything?”

“No,” Molly says firmly. “Definitely not. You’re free to do anything you want. If you want to talk to Rose, or hang out with her, go for it. But I won’t be joining for a while. And I’d… honestly, I’d love to still be able to spend time with just you, if you’re up for it.”

The more I think about this, the more it sounds like the best idea I’ve heard in a while. “Totally,” I say. “Let’s do it. I’m down.”

Molly actually claps her hands together. This must have really been eating her up. I think she must have been expecting me to say I’d miss her, and good luck. And, I guess, I can see why. If she’d asked me this two days ago, I don’t know if I’d have been able to offer to ditch the group with her quite as fast.

But that was two days ago, and this is now.

“Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?” she asks. I’m glad she asked again, because my stomach’s started rumbling over the last couple of minutes. Maybe a distraction from this morning’s news story is all I really needed.

“Fine, I’ll come,” I say, closing the lid of the piano. We walk across the ballroom together, and then out into the freezing night. “What about Eleanor?” I ask as we go.

“What about her?”

“Do you need space from her? Or can she join us?”

Molly laughs, but it’s a sort of bitter one. “She can join us. She won’t, though.”

“No?”

“She’ll stick with Rose, no matter what.”

“Really?” I ask. “I kind of thought she was friends with both of you.”

“She is. But it’s different with her and Rose.”

“How so?” I ask as we enter the courtyard and pass the fountain. Icy water sprays us as we pass, and I wipe it off my cheek.

Molly slows down before we enter the dining hall. Clearly, she doesn’t want to say whatever she’s about to say while we’re surrounded by dozens of students. “Rose and Eleanor were friends in preschool, but Rose and I went to a different primary school to her. She came to Bramppath with us, but we didn’t really have anything to do with her. Then in third year, her mom cheated on her dad with Millicent Roper’s dad, and everyone found out about it and the whole grade iced Eleanor out. Anyway, Rose told them all to piss off, and I think people were too scared of getting on Rose’s bad side to keep being shitheads to Eleanor, so everything went back to normal. And that’s how we got to know Eleanor.”

I think of Rose, and how she told me she’s not a good person. I’m no psychologist, but she seems like a pretty good person to me. Sounds to me like she’s Eleanor’s Rachel, and Rachel is one of the very best people.

Alfie’s really lucky.

I feel weirdly conspicuous as we go into the dining room. Like all eyes are on us, even though I know that, in reality, literally no one’s noticed Molly and me come in. Rose is back from making out with Alfie, and she’s sitting with Eleanor, Florence, and Harriet at our table. None of them notice Molly and me at first.

Not until we grab our food and sit together at the empty end of a table on the other end of the hall, that is. Molly sits across from me with her back to them all, which means I can’t help noticing when Rose sees us. Can’t help seeing the hurt flash across her face, and the questioning look in her eyes as she locks onto me. Can’t help watching as she tells her table about us, and they all crane around in their chairs to see for themselves.

Rose’s expression stabs right through my chest, and guilt spills like ink all the way down to my stomach. As much as today has sucked for me, I didn’t want to hurt her back. Especially when she didn’t mean to hurt me. Probably has no idea she even has.

I’ll explain it to her as soon as dinner’s over, just so she doesn’t think I’m angry at her or anything.

And hey, if she’s still upset, I’m sure Alfie will be right there to comfort her.