Page 4 of Nine Inch Nasty (Hemlock Academy #9)

Rush

Funny how at one point in my existence I was actively trying to flee anyone that so much as mentioned ‘cupcakes’ and now I’m actively helping my mate find decent vegan recipes for them online. It feels like an oversight that we can use the internet on our phones here.

There’s a whole lot of substitutions happening because this realm really doesn’t have many ingredients to work with, but maybe they’ll turn out okay?

Better idea. “What if I just popped down to Hell, demanded a minion gather the actual ingredients for normal, real cupcakes, and then just jettisoned back here? I’d be back so fast, and then we might actually have a chance of testing this theory about the terrible food being the reason this realm is depressed. ”

“Wait, you can leave here? You don’t need the portal?” Wil screeches.

“Honey, if I could get out of being a cursed tree, I can get out of some other realm. Son of Lucifer, remember? I can get home no matter where I am. There’s literally nothing that could overwrite that ability.”

Wil looks to Delaney’s other menagerie of men before gaping at me once more. “B-but…we’re trapped!”

“I don’t follow your rules, though,” I remind the shy cutie.

“Better get the vegan stuff, too, because I have a feeling there are some unicorns that might not be so keen on eating butter and eggs,” Delaney says, completely unphased by my ability to leave.

I kiss her on the cheek and pinch her ass, silently promising to do dirty things to it later, before blinking myself back home.

I take a deep inhale of hot garbage before going about my mission, feeling far less itchy in my skin with the screams and wailings echoing around me.

Not a damn rainbow in sight.

Unless you consider the hilarious statue my father commissioned made of cursed demon heads in a rainbow of colors— they’re not in pain, don’t worry, they’re just very, very uncomfortable because their bodies are somewhere being tortured with tickles. It’s so fucking evil, I love it.

Time to find myself a minion.

“Hey! You! Come here. The son of Lucifer needs you to do his bidding!”

???

When I pop back into the room with my lovely mate, I make the mistake of angling my body to look out the window, freaking out when I catch sight of the terrifyingly bright sight that greets me.

Once I catch my breath, I pass over the bags for Delaney to look through, ensuring I got everything we need before we can start our plan.

“You sure you’re okay with me coming over to your apartment?” Delaney asks Saladriel, who rolls his eyes.

“I’ve literally lived with you for weeks. Coming to my place is hardly an issue. It’s just not that big because we prefer things to be slightly uncomfortable.”

Might as well seize the opportunity. “Big enough for me, too? Dad asked me to take some measurements for…something. I would also feel better being around to protect Delaney in case some unknown threat became present.”

Saladriel waves me off. “That’s fine. Just…don’t make eye contact with any neighbors, okay? Trust me.”

And so, I find myself traipsing across the sickly bright kingdom once more, keeping Delaney close to me in case I need to take down any enemies. Don’t know who they are here, so we can’t be too careful.

I see Delaney and Saladriel up to his tiny apartment and then canvas the outside of it for threats before going to take care of Dad’s mission.

I saw something nightmare inducing that I mentioned to him when I stopped by his place, and he begged for the dimensions so he could recreate it.

So here I am, sketching out a rendition of the Glittertopia Happymaker?.

I know what you’re thinking; why doesn’t Fairygoddess simply place her unicorns into the Happymaker? to fix her realm?

The thing is, the goddess clearly doesn’t understand the emotion properly, because all the machine does is hold your body completely still while you this is a trade secret and has been redacted from this document to ensure trademark compliance.

Any attempt to de-classify these words will result in many unpleasant occurrences that I am not legally able to discuss at this moment in time.

So you see? It really is perfect for Hell.

I figure I’ve been gone long enough at this point, and my Delaney stores are running quite low, so I make my way back up to Saladriel’s place, being sure to look like a total jackass as I avert my eyes from every single one of his neighbors that I come across. I can totally follow directions.

The thing is…well, I’ll just describe the scene I walk in on, shall I? I’ve even included a dialogue.

Scene: Saladriel’s tiny ass kitchen

Characters: Saladriel, a.k.a. Salad, and Delaney, a.k.a. my thicc goddess

Flour coats every single surface that I can see, but this isn't what catches me most off guard.

That award goes to the distinct scent of unicorn splooge.

Delaney seems to be role-playing with a long rainbow wig and mittens that look like hooves and even has a rainbow horse tail tied around her waist that flows between her luscious cheeks.

Saladriel is in his human form, sitting on one end of the couch reading a newspaper, but Delaney is in mid-prance when I open the door, and he immediately starts tearing off pieces of the newspaper and stuffing them into his mouth.

The reason for this has not been discovered yet.

Delaney: You’re, uh, back early... [Nervous laughter]

Saladriel: It's not my jizz, I promise!

Me: That's honestly more alarming.

Delaney [creeping closer to Saladriel as if approaching a startled animal]: Saladriel, it's okay. He's not going to judge you [Flashes me a dirty look that promises awful things if I do].

Me: I'm not even capable of judgment, dude. To me, everything's just a lark.

Saladriel: I don't think you used that word correctly.

Delaney stares at him, waiting. Eventually I've actually forgotten what we're waiting for, but then he breaks. He spits out the wet paper in his mouth and wraps it up in the paper in his hand, throws it over his shoulder and miraculously makes it into a wastepaper bin. Neat.

Saladriel: I'm going to be shunned by my community for this, you know that, right?

Delaney [sinking onto the couch next to him]: Nothing's ever going to change in Glittertopia if somebody doesn't take that first step.

It's okay to like different things, Saladriel.

It's okay not to, either. But sometimes... sometimes we find things that we enjoy that we’re taught to think are weird or shameful even, but in reality, they end up being great sources of joy.

Just think of all the possibilities if you let this go free!

Saladriel: But what are the other unicorns going to think of me when they hear about what I did with my mouth? It's not meant for these purposes. I was created to be wholesome!

Me [probably jumping in too early, but I'm pretty bad at being patient]: Did you trip and accidentally suck someone’s dick? That happens more often than you'd think. And mistake or not, enjoying having a cock in your mouth is nothing to be ashamed of. It's completely natural, actually.

Saladriel [looking up at me horrified]: No! How would that even happen? Do you see any other males around?

Me [gesturing towards Delaney]: Hey, you're role-playing other things, strap-ons are hot. Real flesh or not, you could still like having one in your mouth.

Saladriel [curling up into a ball]: This is the single worst day of my life. I'll never get the stain out of these pants, either. These are my favorite ones! [Begins to sob hysterically]

Delaney [patting Saladriel on the back]: Now that's just not true. I have three different types of stain removers in my apartment alone that will remove cum. If none of those work, there's more at my mom's house. I guarantee you there's no cum stain we can't get out between the two of us.

Saladriel [looking hopeful finally]: You mean that?

Delaney: I don’t know why you don’t just shift and manifest new ones, but yes; we still need to talk about this though. It sounded stupid earlier, but I really think this could be... part of the problem here. You guys really don't know how to find joy in anything, do you?

Saladriel [sits up to wipe his eyes]: Hold my hand while I tell him? This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

Me [very stupidly]: Lucky for all of us, it's not the hardest thing I've done. That honor goes to Leo.

Delaney laughs but covers it up with a cough, tries to scowl at me, and then finally fixes her face and turns back to her distraught pseudo-mate.

Saladriel: I... ate a spoonful of buttercream; [pauses to let the horror sink in] and I enjoyed it!

Delaney: There, there. I'm proud of you! Who’s a big, brave unicorn?

Me [very stupidly]: Um, Delaney? Do you have a unicorn name, and are we into the mane pulling? Serious inquirers want to know.

Saladriel [outraged]: Her mane isn't even real! That was a stupid question! [Takes a deep breath to compose himself]

Me [completely missing the social cues]: Okay... and at what point during that exchange did you come in your pants?

Saladriel [bursts out crying again]: I told you he was going to judge me!

Delaney [looking dangerous like she has a point to prove]: He's not judging you, he genuinely wants to know.[Turns to me] It was the frosting. It hit his tongue, and he swallowed, he looked at me, and that's all it took.

Me: You sure it wasn't this horsey get up you were wearing when it happened that caused it?

Delaney [waving me off]: Positive. I was completely naked when he ate it.

Saladriel [crying big, fat, ugly, tears that probably taste as much like sprinkles as they look]: My whole life, I thought I was demisexual. Turns out I'm buttercream sexual! I'll never be able to look at my mother again.

Me: You're right, this plan is ironclad. He looks... happy as can be. This is definitely going to save the realm.

Delaney [sighing in exhaustion]: It's a stupid plan, isn't it? Thinking I could just give the unicorns something that actually tastes good and everything will go right to how it should have always been? I have no idea what I'm doing.

Me: It's at least worth a try. You might want to slap a warning label on anything you feed those unicorns out there, though. Don't think I like the idea of making that many people come at once. Surprisingly.

[Saladriel sobs again]