Page 60 of Nacho Boyfriend

He shrugs noncommittally.

There’s a spread of appetizers on a table in the front room and a server is walking around with a tray. I feel for him on a nuclear level. Here’s hoping he doesn’t fall into a cake.

“A little pretentious to have a server, don’t you think?” Ignacio whispers in my ear.

I snort because he called it. Aaron is the most pretentious person I know. Hiring a server at a costume party in a house this size? He’s trying too hard.

“It’s kind of pathetic and I’m here for it,” I say.

The server approaches us with his tray. “Kosher stuffed mushrooms?”

I pluck one from the tray. “Don’t mind if I do.”

Aaron and Eyebrows slide up to us just as I stuff the mushroom in my mouth. He’s dressed as Loki but more slimy, and Eyebrows looks like a Galadriel Pinterest fail.

“Hey, you two. So glad you could make it,” says Aaron. “I see you’ve found the snacks, Olive.”

“Do you have any non-kosher mushrooms?” says Ignacio cheekily.

“Um, I don’t think so.”

I roll my eyes. It’s so Aaron to serve kosher food just for show. I know he enjoys a ham and cheese hoagie as much as the next guy.

Eyebrows clears her throat and nudges Aaron.

“Oh, um, Ignacio, this is Pamela,” Aaron says, recovering.

I press my lips together to keep me from gagging. Why did I think coming here tonight was a good idea?

“Aaron and I welcome you to our home,” Eyebrows says in her usual snake voice. “And I just want to say how happy I am to see things have worked out. I hope we can be ‘couple friends’ and put the past behind us.”

Couple friends? Pardon me while I barf. Also, she lives here now? I’ll bet she sleeps with my quilt.

“Anyway,” says Aaron. “Cash bar out back. We’re going to mingle, but have fun. We’ll circle back around a little later.”

“Cash bar. Looking forward to it,” says Ignacio with a wave as Aaron and Eyebrows slink off.

“Well, there goes our plan to drink all of Aaron’s free booze,” I say.

“At least there are mushrooms.”

“How are you going to eat anything with that enormous mustache?”

He shrugs and takes my hand. “Come on. Let’s see what else they’ve got.”

We weave through the crowd of cosplayers. There are two Captain Americas, a Joker, someone who painted themselves silver and is now regretting it, a disheveled Harry Potter with lipstick marks on his face, and a sexy Hermione.

Every time somebody recognizes me from the marketing firm, Ignacio puts his arm around me and says something like, “Yeah, we’re friends of Aaron. Olive tried to keep him off the sauce, but there’s only so much tough love you can give. Here’s hoping those indecent exposure charges don’t stick.”

Or...

“Poor Aaron. Can you believe Pamela gave him genital herpes?”

And my personal favorite is when he shakes someone’s hand, introducing himself as Aaron’s male nurse. “He’s a good patient. There’s no shame in adult diapers.”

We float around the party for a while, trying all the appetizers. Ignacio critiques them all, saying what he would do differently. The only sweet food is rugelach and even that is lackluster. Ignacio doesn’t bother to try it.

We wander outside to the back patio where the cash bar is. Ignacio points to a bottle of Absolut Vodka and quips, “Only a sith deals in absolutes.”