Page 18 of My Vampire Plus-One

She was right about that. I floundered for a response. “He’s reading a magazine with dragons on it,” I said, lamely.

“So?” Sophie said. “Nerds are cool again. Nerds arehot.”

I doubted whether either of those statements were actually true, but let it slide. I looked back over at his table again and saw he was now holding the magazine upside down and peering at it with intense focus.

I saw this for the lifeline it was.

“He’s reading his magazine upside down,” I said.

“That’s even better.”

I stared at Sophie. “How is that even better?”

“It shows he has a sense of humor.”

“I think it just means he’s weird.”

“Well, okay, fair,” Sophie conceded. “But that makes him a strong candidate for this, because honestly?” Sophie tapped the table with an index finger. “Showing up with someone a bit off-kilter could be the perfect way to show your family you aren’tnecessarily better off with a man.” She paused, then added, “And besides, only someone who’s at least alittleweird would be willing to go along with this in the first place.”

She had a point. “You don’t think this is a terrible idea that I absolutely should not be considering? Because I think it might be.”

“No. It’s one of your better ideas.” Sophie leveled me with the samestop bullshitting mestare she’d been using on me since middle school. “You thought it was a great idea yourself when you called me at eleven last night.”

I took a long sip from my Americano, just so I could hide my sheepish expression from my best friend.

“I had a momentary lapse of judgment,” I muttered. Which was true. I’d consumed nearly an entire bottle of wine over the course of the evening and had been listening to Taylor Swift’sMidnightson repeat when I’d called her. My critical thinking skills hadn’t been their sharpest. Though even in the cold light of day, the impetus for my coming up with the plan in the first place still rankled. “I just don’t understand why anyone in my family cares that I’m single.”

“It’s obnoxious,” Sophie agreed. “Which is why I think your idea is brilliant.”

I hesitated. “You really think it’s brilliant?”

“I do,” Sophie said. “You deserve to be left alone, and you are too nonconfrontational to be able to handle the tell-off certain of your family members deserve.”

I sighed. My therapist would probably encourage me to either tell my family to stop it, or to just accept that this was how they were and learn to tune it out. I’d been too busy with work to see my therapist in months, though. “This fake date plan does seem like the simplest solution,” I conceded.

“Yes,” Sophie agreed. “This plan is a win-win. Especially for me. The idea of good, angelic, perfect-grades, always-does-everything-right Amelia showing up at a family gathering with a handsome rando she picked up from Tinder or the El or a coffee shop is going to power me on amusement value alone through the middle of next year.”

I smiled in spite of myself. “I’m glad my mistakes are amusing to you.”

“Oh, they are.” Sophie grinned.

“Also, I don’talwaysdo everything right.”

She snorted. “Right. When’s the last time you got a parking ticket?”

My cheeks heated. “I’ve never gotten a parking ticket.”

“What’s the lowest grade you got in college?”

Now she was just trolling me. Sophie knew full well I’d been valedictorian in high school and in college. I decided not to dignify her question with a response.

But Sophie pressed on, relentless as a Peloton instructor. “And when’s the last time you told off your parents?”

I swallowed. “I’ve never done that, either.”

“Wait, really?”

“Really.” I shook my head. “I never did the teenage rebellion thing. I just did as I was told. What was expected of me.”