Page 2 of My Pucking Mates (Pucking Werewolves #4)

Present

E ven if I’d been able to lately, there would be no sleeping in today. The townhouse is thrumming with energy from the traveling party, as well as those of us being left behind.

I’m trying really fucking hard not to be bitter about it and let my attitude get me into any more shit with Roman, but I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place here. The only one that understands is Dolos, and even he doesn’t fully understand…no one does.

Staring at my ceiling from where I lay on my fully made bed, I consider whether or not to get up and spend time with my pack before some of them leave for a week.

I know they’ll be safe, but as Roman pointed out, this will be the first time he’s gone on a mission of any kind without me and my brother...because of me.

I know that he’s upset with me, but my Alpha and Luna are still two of the most important people in my existence—along with Benny, I suppose…and Andrei too.

Fuck! Why does it have to be like this? Dolos and I were doing just fine without a mate. What’s considered a blessing to so many is something that causes a state of constant panic and near-terror within me.

He must have felt my uncertainty because he’s got his joker face on as he barrels into my bedroom without a care in the world.

My twin and I have a much closer bond than that of regular siblings, families, or pack members.

I can’t compare it to a mate bond, having never experienced that kind of connection, which leaves me to assume it’s similar.

He is sometimes even able to realize something is wrong with me before I can realize it myself.

“Come on, grumpapotamus! Time to go play nice with the others before they leave,” Dolos sing-songs dramatically with his arms spread wide, filling the space with his lighter energy.

Now that the world has seen my true disposition, it’s been so much harder to tuck it back into the crevices of my being. For so much of my existence, I’ve spent all my time around others, matching Dolos’ energy.

While there’s no way he fully understands, it’s almost as though he’s somehow always known. He’s not having trouble acclimating to my change in demeanor. If anything, he’s rolled into his goofiness even harder, like he’s compensating for the lack of mine.

“I haven’t decided if I’m coming out yet.”

He scoffs and smiles, moving around my bed and plopping onto the mattress beside me. He wiggles for a minute, getting comfortable, before he stills, his hands resting behind his head to match mine.

“What do you need?” he asks quietly, more seriously.

Without a clear answer to his question, I heave a heavy sigh that does nothing to release the pressure of the boulder pressing down on my chest.

“There has to be something I can do to help,” he begs me to give him something, but there’s truly nothing he can do. I don’t know how to consider the possibility of the future they both deserve.

Deciding that being uncomfortable in front of everyone would be better than staying here while my twin flays me open with his concern, I push myself off the bed, stretching slowly as I rise. He leaps off the bed, his smile firmly back in place, rubbing his hands together in excitement.

“Don’t push it. Let me work through this as best I can.” It was supposed to be a request, but it came out as more of a bark.

Of course, he doesn’t take it seriously. He’s laughing and opening the door, waiting for me to walk into the hallway ahead of him.

As per the new usual, when we enter the space, all conversation and movement stop. All eyes on us. Including hers. The greenest fucking eyes I’ve ever seen. If we hadn’t already found the lost princess, I would have suggested it could be her.

When our eyes lock, my entire body turns to stone, and I can’t move. I’ve been more careful to not have these moments. They’re debilitating. The pull of our bond becomes stronger and more painful every moment I keep myself from her.

It makes me feel like such a fucking ass to be putting her and my brother through the same experience.

It doesn’t help to know that if I weren’t part of the equation, they would have already completed their mate bond—and be happy—like they both deserve.

Dolos would have dove in headfirst, as he so often does with all things in his life.

Hanging my head, I move around the space to the corner of the room.

From here, I’m out of everyone’s way, but I can still keep my eyes on my family.

FUCK. Why can’t I just get the fuck over all of the shit that plagues me from the past?

How does Leera roll with the punches like she does?

With everything that’s been thrown at her, she still beams. Sunshine and happiness surround her, and I envy her ability to pack the shit away and focus on the good things in life.

The result of my wandering thoughts has now caused me to be off my guard and unprepared for her approach. Why do her eyes have to be so green and…fucking perfect? I sigh to myself, but she notices and wrinkles her forehead like she’s trying to understand me.

“You can’t avoid me forever,” she whispers in a pained voice, for only me to hear. Without waiting for my response or reaction, she marches right past me, wiggling herself between Roman and Leera to wrap an arm around each of them and squeezing them tightly together.

I don’t know if it’s her words, her actions, or my need to physically touch her that is causing a fist to clench around my heart, making it hard to breathe beneath the pressure.

With his always optimal timing, Dolos settles beside me, bumping me with his shoulder as he does.

I’m rubbing the sore place in my chest, willing it all away.

He notices the gesture and grunts, “It’s not just you hurting, you know?

” His signature smile is gone again—because of me—and he also rubs at the same spot on his chest. “This affects all three of us. Please…tell me what you need,” he begs again, but I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t know if I’m capable of loving her the way she deserves.

Fuck, I don’t know if I’m capable of loving anything… ”

With the words locked inside of me, I nudge him back in what I hope comes across as playful and try to smile, but the once-constant expression now feels foreign on my face as I turn to rummage through the fridge.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for, but I quickly grab a bottle of electrolytes when the fridge beeps at me for having the door open too long, garnering a few glances from the group.

I loathe the way everyone looks at me right now, like a grenade that’s pin has been pulled and everyone’s just waiting for it to go off.

I could probably even get over the looks if I didn’t know what the looks mean.

But I do. I know it’s a mixture of pity and pissed off because I’m being an asshole to my mate and twin.

I’m losing the trust and confidence of the only people that have ever cared about us.

FUCK.

Roman and Leera make their way around the room—Leera hugging everyone while Roman continues watching her every move, following whatever she says with his usual grunt or nod.

I wasn’t expecting the slightly suffocating hug she granted me, holding on what seemed like longer than she hugged some of the others.

What I was expecting even less was for her to lock her icy-blue eyes on mine and use the pack link to tell me that she expects progress by the time they return.

It wasn’t a threat…exactly…but the look in her eyes and the shiver that rolled through me told me that’s exactly what it was.

She may be small, but the energy she exudes is not.

Paired with that of our Alpha, the worlds had better watch out.

I do the only thing I can do right now—I offer her a small nod to let her know that I’ll do my best.

While they’ll feel as though they’ve been gone for three weeks, it will only be a week here.

The thought that we could get that much—if anything—accomplished in a single week…

well, I have to try something, or I have a feeling I’ll be in the doghouse…

and I’m not certain it would be a metaphorical one.

The second the door closes behind the travel party, I allow my squared shoulders to drop. I turn on my heel, planning to make a beeline for the gym, but Khaos blocks my path with his arms crossed and left eyebrow raised.

Releasing a heavy sigh, I pick my shoulders back up, cross my arms, and set my feet shoulder-width apart. “You going to start in on me now, too? They just fucking left,” I snap at him.

The right side of his lips twitches as though he’s fighting a grin. “Not exactly,” he states firmly, but I can practically see the thoughts tumbling around in his head, looking for the right way to handle the situation. His shoulders drop a fraction. Why does he look defeated?

“Look…I know me being part of the group is new enough, and I’m not about to act like I know what you’re going through—”

“I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming,” I snap at him in the middle of his monologue.

The genuine smile that stretches across his face is a little unsettling as he continues, “There is. I just wanted to remind you that we’ve all been through some serious shit. There’s not one person here that’s had a merry-little-life full of sunshine and rainbows.”

I open my mouth to smart-off again, but he notices and raises his hand, his smiling eyes now glaring at me—effectively shutting me up.

“The point is that we all have baggage. Everyone fucking does. All species of creatures. It’s time for you to man up and talk shit out. She’s all I have left of my pack, and I won’t watch her in pain... unnecessary pain, for very much longer.”

He pauses, allowing me to speak, but I don’t. What could I even say? He’s not wrong. Knowing what each of my packmates has been through…It feels even more selfish to be feeling this way…But how do I move past this?

“Anyways…Slate and I will be going to the pack to make introductions and see if they need anything. Miss Tilly will be joining us.” He stares at me, waiting for me to acknowledge his implication.

“Talk to her. Or them. Whatever you need to do. You have to let the demons out…or let her move on. But you have a choice to make.”