Page 6

Chapter Six

Hannah

How’d I get so lucky?

In the three weeks since I’d hired Aswan, my family had thrived .

Joshua was still his sweet self, only now he was making strides in maturity. I don’t know if it was because he was my third and I was just used to doing everything for him, or if the last years have been so overwhelming that I didn’t know how to find time to teach him to do things himself, or what…

But in three short weeks, my baby was doing so much better at cleaning up after himself, simply because Aswan was so dang patient with him.

“Uh-uh, buddy, come back here and help me pick up these blocks before you get out the cars. ”

“No! Caws now, ‘Swan!”

“Cars right after you help me clean up the blocks,” Aswan would say sternly and then—this is the wild part—he’d actually stick to his guns . Instead of giving in and realizing it was going to be less of a pain to quit arguing and just clean up everything himself, he would sit there with his arms folded, refusing to allow the cars to come out until Joshy helped clean up the blocks.

Remarkable .

You want to know what else was remarkable? He was starting the potty training .

Holy crap, let me repeat that: Aswan had started potty training my toddler.

The first time I came home and learned that Joshy had gone all afternoon—after his nap—in big-boy underwear, I’d almost broken down into tears. I remembered how young Ben had been when I’d potty trained him, how eager he’d been to learn. Had I been doing Joshy a disservice all this time?

“Hannah?” Aswan had asked softly, concern in his tone. I’d brushed off the question and hurried to my room—to the room I shared with my youngest—to change.

Because if he did one more thing to prove himself kind and insightful and sweet, I would break down and cry in front of him. Or all over him .

It was bad enough when he helped Tova and Emmy plan a tea party. The little girls had created a truly outrageous menu, and he’d gone along with it as well as possible, although he’d demanded their help .

And on one Sunday afternoon, Nikki arrived, her homemade invitation in hand, and she and I sat down with our daughters while Aswan—wearing a top hat the girls had made for him and carrying a silverish tray—served us tea and cakes and cucumber sandwiches.

Nikki and I had kept our faces straight, even while the girls had giggled.

But after Aswan had bowed his way out of the room—losing his hat and his “butler” status in the process—she’d leaned over to me and whispered, “ Dios mio , woman, how have you managed to keep your hands off him?”

I’d smiled weakly, and taken a hurried sip of tea to cover the fact that I didn’t know .

I wanted to touch Aswan. I wanted to do more than touch Aswan. I wanted to lick him, to kiss him, to feel his body pressed against mine. That first morning, when I’d been so desperate for help, and he’d appeared as if by magic? That first morning, I’d been attracted to him. He was the most gorgeous male I’d ever seen, from that birthmark to his smile to his muscles.

But now that I knew him…

There was more to Aswan than just his hotness. If anything, I liked his strength, his quiet kindness, his acceptance and his patience even more than just his appearance .

So while I knew it had been a really long time since I’d had any action in bed, I also knew that wasn’t why I was jonesing so hard for my nanny.

This wasn’t just basic biology; this was Aswan .

And although I did my best not to let Nikki know I agreed with her that afternoon, I was having trouble keeping my hands off him. I lost count of how many times I’d broken off awkwardly in the middle of an interesting conversation or a casual touch, not wanting to seem like I was hitting on him.

Because as much as I liked being around him—hearing his opinions, listening to his stories of growing up in the wilderness, imagining the way his strength would play out in bed—I liked the way he interacted with my kids even more.

All three of them were blooming under Aswan’s care, and I frequently thanked God for sending him to us just when we needed him.

And if that meant that I frequently woke up moaning from erotic dreams brought on by my stupid, unfulfilled libido, it was worth it. Because I could not afford to screw up this dynamic.

Aswan was my nanny, and a darned good nanny. If I didn’t want to risk losing him as a nanny, I couldn’t dream of anything more.

Well, I mean, apparently I could dream of more.

It was getting a little embarrassing.

One, because I shared a room with my kid, who was thankfully a sound sleeper.

And two , because I then had to look Aswan in the eye when he made me breakfast each morning, remembering what those lips and tusks and hands had done to me in my dreams last night .

But on the other hand: fresh waffles. Sliced melon. Bacon and egg muffins. Chocolate chip protein pancakes. And he’d apparently declared Mondays as Fancy Oatmeal mornings, and my kids weren’t the only ones amazed that he could make oats taste like chocolate chip cookie dough.

I was eating better than I ever had, and my house was spotless, and my children were little angels.

Surely that was worth a little pent-up sexual frustration?

Okay, a lot .

“ Uno !” Benny called, triumphantly slapping a card down onto the pile on the coffee table, dragging my attention back to the game.

“Quick, Tova” growled Aswan. “Change the color to red.”

She seemed frantic. “I can’t. I can’t! I have this blue seven, though?”

“Crud,” the orc muttered, putting down a blue reverse card. “Does this help?”

Tova glanced at her smirking brother and sighed as she reached for the draw pile. “You have a blue, don’t you?”

In triumph, Benny tossed down his last card—a blue two. “I win!”

Aswan glared at his cards in mock-irritation. “I need to learn how to cheat at this game,” he announced, and Tova fell into him, giggling.

“Okay, time for bed, missy,” I announced, standing up and holding out my hand to Tova. “You’re already up past your bedtime. ”

Instead of whining, the girl glanced at Aswan, who nodded solemnly, and she slipped her hand into mine.

“’Night, Benny. ‘Night, Aswan.”

Her brother grunted, his focus on sorting the cards into a neat pile, but Aswan smiled, his tusks gleaming. “Goodnight, d’pin . Pleasant dreams.”

Tova practically skipped up the stairs, half-dragging me. I brushed my teeth at the same time as her—we now shared a bathroom, after all. It was only later, when I was tucking her in, that I asked what was on my mind.

“Do you and Aswan have a secret code? He called you d’pin .”

Her smile was sleepy. “It means sweetie in his language. Or—” A yawn interrupted her. “Something like that.”

Forcing a smile, I bent over to kiss her forehead. “Then goodnight, d’pin . I’ll see you in the morning.”

I was in a thoughtful frame of mind as I came back downstairs to see Benny and Aswan standing in the middle of the living room. Well, not so much standing as?—

“Benny!” I cried instinctively, hurtling toward the couch.

I was too late. My son’s punch landed squarely on Aswan’s stomach, his expression curiously intent rather than angry. “Wha—” I began, but Aswan’s command stopped me.

“Good, again.”

Benny punched again, then again, and finally the male let out a grunt, his expression softening into a smile. “I told you. Your shoulder controls the potential energy far more than your wrist. ”

“Are you teaching him to fight ?” I blurted.

Both males turned to me, Benny looking guilty, and Aswan looking shocked. “We were discussing how to use a hammer. Ben and his friends are improving the bridge over the creek and he needed to understand transfer of force.”

“Physics?” I mumbled, shocked. My knees gave out, and I sank down into the World’s Most Comfortable Couch. “This was a phsyics lesson?”

“In retrospect, I can see the confusion,” Aswan offered. “I’m sorry.” He turned to Benny. “I shouldn’t have used a punch as an example. I really hope you’ve been learning from taekwondo how not to fight.”

My son huffed a put-upon sigh. “You sound like Master Sunny. Yeah, I’m not going to go out and pick fights, the whole point is not having to fight.”

“Right.” When Aswan smiled, my stomach—already knotted from that burst of fear—flipped over. “Sounds like you’ve been paying attention.”

Ben was a boy on the cusp of puberty, struggling with his own identity. I’d been meaning—for like six months now—to sit down with him and discuss the changes happening to his body and mind. The days never seemed long enough, and now…

Well, now…it was common for him to say something dismissive or mean, then stomp off. Or at least roll his eyes so far back he was staring at the back of his own head.

And frankly, I assumed that’s how he would react to Aswan’s compliment. But instead, my son flushed slightly, his hands shoved in his pockets, and stared down at Aswan’s stomach as he shrugged. “It’s a good class.”

I held my breath, trying to decide if I should speak up, but I didn’t need to. Aswan laid his hand on Benny’s shoulder, bent slightly so he could catch the boy’s eye, and said gently, “I’m proud of you, Ben.”

My son launched himself forward, wrapping his arms around Aswan’s middle for just the briefest of moments. He mumbled something against the male’s chest, then pushed away and ran for the stairs.

“Love you, Mom!” he called in a strangely choked voice, and I couldn’t even respond.

My fingertips were on my lips, as if I could hold in the sounds—the sobs —I wanted to make. Needed to make.

I’m proud of you .

Aswan had said that to Benny, and it had been just what he’d needed to hear. Just what we’d all needed to hear.

Fighting tears, I swung my gaze back toward Aswan…to find him studying me. Unable to remain still, I shot to my feet, half wondering if I should go after Benny.

But the worry in his tone stopped me. “Hannah? I’m sorry if I?—”

“No,” I choked. “No.” It was a choke, my throat thick with unshed tears. “It was…thank you.”

He took a step toward me, hesitated, then took another one. “Hannah, if I’ve offended?—”

It was as if his words released a floodgate, and I wailed, “How could you?” When he reared back, fear in his eyes, I buried my face in my hands and sobbed, “You couldn’t possibly offend—Oh, Aswan, he needed…”

“Hannah, what is it?” I could hear— feel him so close to me. “Tell me what I’ve done, how I can make it better. I’m sorry!”

Instead of answering, I threw myself forward, the same way Ben had, and felt Aswan’s strong arms wrap around me. My sobs were ridiculous, uncontrollable, and nothing at all like what I’d dreamed of doing when I finally landed in his arms.

And yet…

It felt good. It felt good to let it all out, to release the stress of these last weeks—these last years . And through it all, Aswan held me, murmuring words and apologies, sometimes not even in English, as he stroked my back.

“I’m sorry,” I managed to finally hiccup. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, Aswan.”

He was bent forward, curled over my head, his mouth pressed against my hair. “No, I’m sorry, Hannah. I shouldn’t have overstepped?—”

“ No !” I pushed away far enough to tip my head back and meet his eyes. “That’s what I’m trying— Aswan ! Seeing the way you gave Benny approval—he needed—darn!” Still hiccupping, I dropped my head forward to press against his chest.

His hand, almost as wide as my back, stilled, and I could sense his confusion. This might be easier without looking at him .

“My ex wasn’t a…good father. You’ve probably figured that out. Benny…” I swallowed. “Ben has been conflicted for the last few years. I can tell he doesn’t know how to act.”

“He’s trying to be the man of the house,” came Aswan’s rumble. “He doesn’t know what that means, but it’s also causing him a lot of guilt when he does act like a kid. Goes out to play or has a meltdown or something.”

With a little groan, I knocked my head against Aswan’s chest, my own guilt threatening to swallow me whole. “If you can see it, it must be bad.”

“I’ve been spending a lot of time with him. Trying to teach him about what he’s interested in and guide him toward the right path.”

Oh God in Heaven . I squeezed my eyes shut. As if I couldn’t love this male any more, he goes and says something like?—

I gasped as I realized what I’d just thought.

Love ?

I was in love with my nanny ?

Well yeah. I mean, how could I not be?

“Hannah?”

“Thank you,” I choked, pushing myself away. “Thank you for being the male influence Benny— Ben needs.” Had my son’s name change been a result of Aswan’s gentle teaching? I looked away, ashamed. “I should have been?—”

“Enough?” he growled, grabbing my hand, refusing to let me leave the conversation. “Hannah, you work long hours at a demanding job. It’s no wonder you can’t be everything for everyone . Look at me. ”

Trying to wipe off the evidence of my tears, I did as he commanded, and was caught by his dark gaze.

No, not completely dark. In the center of his eyes, there was a spark of green.

“Hannah, you are enough .” He squeezed my hand, gently tugging me toward him. “Just you. You’re enough. But I’m here to help you too.”

“Thank you,” I sniffed, and as one of his arms tucked me against his chest, I whispered it again. “Thank you.”

“You’re a good mother, and it’s not your fault that your Mate isn’t around.”

“I mean, it kinda is,” I offered weakly. “Although I don’t like to think of him as my Mate.”

Aswan had stiffened slightly at my confession, and now slowly relaxed. “Good. I don’t like to think of him that way either. Why is his failure your fault?”

“Oh, he failed all on his own.” I took a long, shuddering breath, and figured it was time to share my embarrassing past. It was easier if I stared at the dark television, though, instead of at Aswan.

“I met Travis in college and got pregnant in my senior year. He was a year behind me, and when I graduated, he sort of just…stopped attending. At the time, I told myself it was because he needed to get a job and support me and Benny. Our parents pressured us into marrying, saying it would be for the best.”

“Was it?” Aswan rumbled, his hand on my lower back.

“I thought so at the time. But by the time Tova was born, I realized I was the one busting my butt to support him . He couldn’t seem to hold down a job, so I moved us here to be closer to my family. I thought maybe Dad’s connections could get Travis work.”

With a hum, Aswan shifted so both his arms were around me, his hands were cradling my back, and his chin was resting on my head. “Did it work?”

“No. But by then, my parents were helping with childcare and juggling responsibilities, and it didn’t matter so much that Travis was useless. As the kids grew, I was able to take on more responsibility at work, and I was good at it .” That fierce sense of pride hadn’t left me. “I realized I thought of Travis as just one more responsibility… And then the cops showed up.”

He stiffened around me and growled, “Because of him?”

I didn’t nod, because of how tightly he was holding me, and dang but I liked it. I liked how protected he could make me feel.

“Travis had been using drugs for a while, but by then he’d started dealing them too. He was arrested, and I was mortified. It wasn’t until after he’d been in jail a few months that I started to feel guilty about being more embarrassed than empathetic.”

“Pathetic ,” Aswan rumbled, repeating the last few syllables of the word I’d said. “You had no reason to be embarrassed or feel bad for him because he was pathetic. What kind of male puts his Mate and kitlings in danger like that, for his own selfishness? He’d abandoned you long before.”

Slowly, I straightened, the words echoing in my head. He’d abandoned you long before . “You’re right,” I breathed. “He had . I can’t even tell you that I hated him by then; I was indifferent. It was difficult for the kids to understand what was happening, of course, but I guess we felt relief to have him gone.”

Aswan was quiet for a long moment, and I could hear him doing the calculations. “Joshua?”

I sighed. “When Travis was released, he seemed like a changed man. He came back to Eastshore and got a job and swore he was going to hold it down. He was kind to Tova and seemed to really be trying with Benny. Poor Benny got his hopes up so far…and I guess I did too.”

He made a little noise of understanding, and I squeezed my eyes shut, glad I didn’t have to explain the details; about how Travis had sworn up and down he was going to be here for all of us, and how he was going to be loving and attentive.

He’d never been particularly good in bed, and right after I got pregnant for a third time, I realized the truth… “He might not have been dealing the drugs anymore, but he was still using them. I had Joshy, and our life got even more complicated.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” I snorted. “I told Travis I was done when Joshua was eleven months old. He convinced me—whining and begging—that he didn’t have anyplace left to go. Since he wouldn’t move out, I did. We still lived in the same house, but…separate lives.”

“You moved in with Joshua,” Aswan murmured. “Two years ago?”

“It took a year for me to finalize the divorce, and get full custody, before I could finally have him removed. It’s been almost a year since we’ve heard from him, thank God. The last I knew, he was in prison in another state.”

“But Hannah.” He shifted me so he could stare down at me. “He’s been gone a year. Why haven’t you moved back into your space? Taken it back?”

Shrugging, I stared at his chin, because it was somehow easier. “It didn’t feel like my space,” I whispered. “And besides, if I had, then there wouldn’t have been room for you .”

When he exhaled, I felt his breath across my lips.

“Hannah…” he whispered, and I tipped my head back to finally meet his eyes.

The green spark had grown into a glow.

His hand rose to cup my head, his fingers reaching around to massage the base of my skull as the pad of his thumb brushed the tear streaks on my cheek.

“I am sorry you’ve lived such pain, dkaar. I am impressed with everything you’ve overcome. And although I don’t have any right to be, I am proud of your strength and resilience. ”

It was…

I whimpered, swaying in his arms.

It was what I needed to hear.

I’m proud of you .

It was something my mom had said to me right after the divorce, although I knew she didn’t understand why I hadn’t left Travis and moved in with her and Dad. But this was my life, and my house, which I’d paid for. I wasn’t going to disrupt the kids because their father was a shitty human, and Mom hadn’t understood that.

But to hear those words now? Now, after years of struggling to come to terms with my life and my kids’ emotions? After seeing what could be possible with an emotionally available male in the house who not only cared , but did everything he could to make our lives better?

It was just what I needed.

With another little whimper I surged upward, aiming for his mouth.

I didn’t miss.

Aswan froze for a heartbeat, his lips stiffening under mine, before he gave a low growl and tightened his hold on me. I melted against him as he took command of the kiss.

How could someone so large hold me so gently? And how could his lips fit so perfectly on mine? I thought his tusks would get in the way, but my mouth fit between them, and his tongue?—

Oh my gosh , his tongue was ridged!

How had I not realized that? In the three weeks I’d been around him, I hadn’t known his tongue was ridged. And thick and long and…I gave another whimper as he licked my upper lip, and my mouth opened to play with his.

My fingers curled around the cotton of his t-shirt, desperate to get closer. I could feel his heart pounding under my palms, and lower…lower, where my stomach pressed against his hips, I could feel something thick and hard and incredibly delicious feeling .

I wriggled slightly, cradling that hard length, and he growled again, the kiss deepening.

Unable to help myself, I closed my mouth around his tongue, my teeth scraping the top and bottom, as I wanted to feel the texture of those ridges. Aswan’s entire body gave a jerk, and as he abruptly straightened, my stomach flopped over.

I’d hurt him! Oh no, I’d hurt him, right in the middle of—“I’m sorry!” I blurted, blinking up at him, tugging on his shirt desperately. “I’m sorry, Aswan, I didn’t mean…”

I trailed off when I saw the way he was looking at me.

His eyes were glowing.

He looked shocked, and his eyes were glowing green.

And that hardness pressed against me? His thick cock? I could feel it throbbing.

When he finally spoke, his voice was all raspy. “What you just did, Hannah, is enough to drive an orc male crazed. I’m trying very hard right now to control my urges.”

Urges ? “What kind of urges?” I squeaked, wide-eyed.

His chin dipped until he was piercing me with that glowing gaze. “The Mating Heat. I want to throw you over my shoulder and drag you to my cave and claim you. But your kitlings are upstairs, and I am your employee, and this would not be appropriate. So for their sake, I suggest you leave right now.”

“Me?” I managed.

“Yes, because there’s no way my Kteer is going to let me walk away from you right now. ”

Oh my.

That was…remarkably flattering. Especially considering I’d just snotted all over his shirt and confessed my deep dark secrets and everything.

You were the one who kissed him. He’s just taking what you offered. Any male would, right? It would be meaningless sex .

But I mean…I could get behind some meaningless sex right now. And tomorrow. And all week. Because dangit I was a roiling ball of horniness right now.

And your kids are upstairs .

Aswan was right.

He was being far more mature and thoughtful right now, putting the kids’ welfare before our own needs.

See? This was what I meant. He’s an amazing nanny, and you can’t afford to screw that up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, with a deep breath, and very purposefully not making eye contact with Aswan, I slid from his arms and all but ran up the stairs.

To lock myself in a small bedroom with a tiny bed and try to ignore the way he made me feel in my dreams.