Page 94 of My Girl

It’s—

God, I can’t even bring myself to say it.

“Why didn’t you tell me years ago?” I cry.

“Do you think you would’ve been able to handle knowing that your father killed his wife and himself?” she snaps. “He was a bad person, Rae. He cheated on his wife, probably more than once, and he raped me. Hehurtme. My guess is that he beat his wife too. But I didn’t let the pregnancy get in the way of giving you a good life.” Her voice cracks; I’ve hit a nerve. “He’s dead. You’re a good person. You’ve got so much potential. You’ve got your whole life in front of you. You don’t have to let your past control you like this.”

A good person.

Potential.

A life.

Have I somehow always let Crave control me like this?

Someone mumbles in the background, and my mother responds to them in a hushed voice.

“I’ve got to go,” she says to me. “But come home, okay? We need you here. I talked to the general manager, and she says you can come back; you’ve just got to stay out of the rooms. You’re on admin work only. Nothing with the suites or the penthouses.”

I blink the tears away. There’s nothing I can do or say. My mother only knows what Crave told her. He must have lied to her and pretended to be Michael Hall.

If we test our DNA again, it’ll have the same result. Deep in the crevices of my soul, I know that.

“I worry about you,” my mother says. “Come home.”

“Okay,” I say.

I hang up, then book a bus ticket from Pahrump to Vegas for the morning. I’ll ask Ned to tow my car to a mechanic in Vegas. It’ll be a pain in the ass, but I need to get out of this place as soon as I can.

I try to sleep. I can’t.

I stare at the ceiling.

Crave is my father. Officer Craven Gaines. The sad little mall cop. A man who has been tricking me. Watching me. Hunting me.

And I walked right into his arms.

The logical part of me wants to be shocked. Disgusted. Ashamed. Mad at myself for falling for a man like him.

Another part of me is relieved. Comforted. A twisted sense of strength curls inside of me, knowing that Crave could have killed me long ago, but he didn’t. I have some sort of hold on him too, just like he has a hold on me.

The lack of remorse makes sense now. The only guilt I’ve had was when I was caught. And that’s why I never turned Crave in. I didn’t care about the people he killed. I only cared about what he could do for me.

He must’ve known for awhile that he was my father. That’s the only way I’ve lived for this long. Otherwise, he would’ve killed me sooner.

I look out my bedroom window, expecting to see him on the sidewalk.

The apartment parking lot is empty.

I search the cupboards until I find cold medicine. It’s not a sleeping pill, but it’ll make me drowsy enough to stop these thoughts. I need silence. I need to sleep.

In the morning, I’ll go to Vegas. It’ll clear my head.

I’ll pretend like Michael Hall really is my father.

I’ll pretend like Crave doesn’t exist.

Everything will make sense again.