Page 23 of My Alien Bughead (Supernova Casanovas #4)

Chapter 23

D’Aakh

Dying hurts.

It kind of sucks. You’d think dying would be peaceful, like falling asleep, but no. It fucking hurts.

My entire body aches in a way I never thought possible. My muscles and joints scream whenever I even consider moving. My throat is dry like a desert, my eyes are glued shut. I can barely feel my ahni. My skin itches and crawls. Breathing hurts too. The all too familiar pain in my chest on every inhale letting me know that I have broken ribs. All in all, it’s not a pleasant experience.

Also, it doesn’t end. I’d like to just die and get it over with but no. I’m denied even that relief.

Should I be wishing for death, though? There was something important I was doing before I lost consciousness. Something I needed to finish. Someone I needed to save. To hold. To kiss.

“Lucía!”

I’d like to think I screamed out her name, but it sounded more like a barely audible rasp.

Someone heard it, though, because there’s noise around me now. “He’s awake. Z’Ree, can you help him with the pain? I can’t give him any more medication. His body is already over-saturated with all of the shit he’s been taking.”

Ah. They know about the stimsticks. They won’t be happy about that. But it doesn’t matter. Lucía is all that matters.

Soft humming permeates the room, the vibrations soothing me, tempting me to just slip into sleep’s warm embrace. I resist. Sleep would be nice but as the humans on board this ship like to say, there’s no rest for the wicked. And I’m the wickedest of them all. I don’t deserve rest, not until I make sure Lucía and her people are safe.

I try again. “Lucía?” This time, the word forms in my aching throat. A straw touches my lips and I suck at it, a groan leaving me as cold water pours into my mouth. “Where’s…Lucía?”

“She’s fine,” Nikolai replies. There’s some beeping and humming as he works a machine.

Z’Ree keeps up her “song”, a unique crystal resonance her people can produce to soothe people’s pain. Or to get them high. I never asked her about her abilities and she never offered. No surprises there. I’ve been a jerk to her. I’ve been a jerk to everyone.

“Sorry,” I manage, the word inadequate compared to all of the pain I’ve caused. I’ll do better. I’ll apologize to everyone, personally. I’ll beg for their forgiveness if I have to. But first, I need to make sure my Lucía is safe. “Where?”

“You’re in the infirmary on the Supernova,” Nikolai informs me, as if I haven’t been able to deduce that much already. “Lucía is back at the station. She was fine when we left.”

Opening my eyes a crack, I’m grateful for the dim lighting which makes it easier for my eyes to adjust. Still, it feels like a damned ore harvester is drilling holes into my brain. Also, I need a fix.

I reach into my pocket only to find it empty, then realize there are no more stimsticks. The ones I had on me were destroyed in the explosion and I have no doubt that Zarkan found the rest of my stash and moved them somewhere where I’ll never find them again. Dammit. I could really use that rush right about now. Or…not. I should probably start ignoring these intrusive thoughts.

“Wait,” I frown as my brain catches up with Nikolai’s words. “We left?”

“Yeah, well, the crowd ready to storm the ship made it clear we were no longer welcome on that station. Besides, after the locals attacked Nala and Ellen without provocation, no one was keen on staying, anyway. We were just waiting for you and the Serramorphs to get back. Once we had everyone on board, we hightailed it out of there.”

“But…” I attempt to sit up but a hand on my shoulder gently pushes me back down. “I have to—”

Nikolai glares at me. “What you have to do is stay in bed. You were practically dead when the Serramorphs dragged you in here! I had to restart your fucking heart. Twice! Even now, your blood pressure is all over the place and your vitals are unstable. You are not going anywhere.”

I struggle, determined not to give up so easily but my body is so drained it feels like I’m pushing against a bulkhead. Nikolai doesn’t move an inch, easily holding me down. After flailing my hand upwards in a ridiculous attempt at punching him, I find myself restrained.

Even with the thick straps tying my limbs and body to the bed, I still fight and grapple with the straps. The need to get to Lucía is too great, taking over every part of my mind, silencing the voice of reason telling me that talking to people would be far more useful than whatever the fuck I’m doing right now.

“D’Aakh, calm down!” Nikolai shouts. It does absolutely nothing to calm me down. “ Blin! (Dammit!) He’s going to hurt himself. Z’Ree, can you sing something stronger to knock him out?”

“No!” As much as I crave the sweet oblivion of the famous Silithrae crystal song, I can’t afford to be drugged right now. “Please, don’t,” I beg. Realizing I’m acting like an idiot, I finally stop struggling.

Z’Ree leans over me, the crystalline strands of her hair falling over her shoulder. “I won’t use my song on you against your will,” she says. “But you really need to stay in bed.” Instead of protesting, I groan at the sensation of a wet cloth being wiped over my forehead. Her huge purple eyes watch me with unnerving attention.

“I can’t stay in bed when Lucía is in danger,” I say, forcing myself to stay calm. As a former slave, Z’Ree won’t use her powers to drug me against my will. Not unless her mate deems me an immediate threat to myself or others. Then she’d knock me out without a second’s hesitation. I need to stop fighting and win them over with words instead. “That station is going to be attacked.”

“So we’ve heard,” Nikolai says. “But why is that such an issue? They’ll just surrender and get a new employer. No one will get hurt.”

I stare at him in disbelief. “Are you serious? Whoever is coming to take over Alevvo is breaking UGC laws in a major way. Why would they leave any witnesses alive? They’ll slaughter every living soul on that station, then claim life support malfunctioned and everyone was already dead when they arrived. It will be suspicious as fuck but without witnesses, there’s no proof of wrong doing. Dead people don’t talk.”

“But that’s…”

“Barbaric?” I offer, wincing as the too loud word causes my headache to spike. “Mining corporations will stop at nothing to get what they want, not when billions of galactic units are at stake. We have to go back. We have to help them.”

“Do we?” Zarkan’s deep voice rumbles from the door. “They didn’t seem that interested in our help. You were conveniently unconscious, so you missed the goons that assaulted Nala and Ellen in the marketplace and the armed crowd that gathered in the docks.”

I shake my head, immediately regretting it when vertigo hits me like a hammer. “Armed with what? They have no weapons. They’re all going to die and I don’t believe for a second that you just agreed to leave them to their fate, Captain. That’s not you.”

“People change. I didn’t think my brilliant technician would become a drug addict, either.”

He’s not angry with me. He’s disappointed, which is a hundred times worse. Zarkan’s approval is something everyone in Nova squad strives for and seeing the disappointment in his eyes tears at my insides.

“I’m sorry,” I choke out. “I fucked up. You’re mad at me, and that’s totally fair, but don’t take it out on those innocent people. Even if half of them were evil monsters, that still leaves more than a hundred and fifty innocent souls that are going to be killed. We can’t just sit back and let it happen.”

Zarkan leans back against the wall and crosses his arms in front of his chest. Silence stretches as he examines me, his eyes tearing through the walls I’ve built around myself. “You could have talked to me,” he says eventually. There’s no mistaking the strain in his voice.

Nikolai and Z’Ree busy themselves in another part of the infirmary but they don’t leave the room. Or Z’Ree doesn’t, at least, because I can still feel the gentle hum of her song soothing me.

I don’t know what to say, so I tell my truth. “I could have.” Zarkan offered me help so many times and yet, I pushed him away every time. “But also, I couldn’t. This is not your fault, Captain. I knew what I was doing.”

“Somehow, I doubt that,” Zarkan sighs.

He might have a point, but now is not the time for discussing my many faults. We need to go back. “What about the Alevvo station?” What about Lucía? “You weren’t serious about leaving them.” It’s not a question, I realize. I may be in agony but my synapses are firing just fine.

“Was I not?” Zarkan retorts. Not a hint of his intentions seeping into his tone.

“We’re not in hyperspace,” I point out. Even through the throbbing headache, my ahni can easily detect the difference between regular engine power and the hyperdrive. “My guess is you want to teach them a lesson, so you’ve moved the ship out of range of their sensors. When they’re freaking out and desperate, we will swoop in and rescue them?” I hedge, praying I’m correct because if Zarkan truly refuses to help the people on that station, then Lucía’s fate is sealed and I can’t even run off to help her because I’m tied to a fucking bed.

Zarkan cocks the scaly ridge above his eye. “Perhaps I’m wary of using the hyperdrive until someone makes sure it’s safe? Since it seems I can’t trust my technician’s judgment anymore.”

That hurts. What’s worse, he’s right. I would have said that no matter what happened, my work would always be impeccable, but that’s not true. My stupidity almost cost Lucía her life once already. Who’s to say what else I might have fucked up when I was drugged out of my mind?

“I’m sorry,” I repeat, not knowing what else to say. Hearing that my captain doesn’t trust me anymore is worse than all of the pain I’ve been through so far. There’s only one thing that will trump it now—losing Lucía. “Please help them,” I beg, tears running down my face. Even crying hurts.

Zarkan doesn’t answer me but I’ve known him for a long time. He’ll do the right thing, he has to. He stops in the doorway, casting one last glance back at me. “Get better. Once you are, we’ll talk about what happens next.” With that, he leaves.

That’s it. He’s going to kick me off the ship. And who would blame him? If we were still in the UGC forces, I would have been swiftly shipped off to some rehab center to treat my “problem” then discharged, never to return to active duty again. Not being an official squad makes it even easier. Zarkan can simply leave me at the nearest planet or station. Or eject me through an airlock. It’s not as though anyone would miss me.

“Shh,” Z’Ree soothes, wiping my tears away because I’m unable to even do that. “It’s alright. Are you in pain?”

I’m in all kinds of pain but I deserve all of them. “I’m sorry,” I tell her. It’s my new fucking mantra and I’ll be repeating it for the rest of my miserable life.

“You have nothing to apologize for. We all make mistakes. The Captain is just worried about you. He’ll forgive you and everything will be alright again.”

I snort. As if. “No, I mean… I was horrible to you, back when we found you hiding on the ship. I never really apologized for it, so… I’m sorry.”

Her smile is wide and genuine as she says, “Apology accepted. Now, sleep.” Seeing I’m about to protest, Z’Ree raises a finger, her iridescent skin glimmering as it reflects the room’s light. “You were correct that we are not far from the station. I believe Zarkan will be heading back there soon, so if you want the chance to convince him that you should go with them, you need to be rested.”

Galaxies, is everyone smarter than me these days? “You’re right. Thank you.”

“No problem. Now, sleep.”

Her humming grows stronger and for a moment, it feels like I’m weightless. My mind is free of the aching confines of my body as blissful silence and peace envelop me. This is what I thought dying would feel like, except I’m not actually dying. I hope. Damn, I really hope I’m not dying. I have way too much to make up for.