Page 31 of Montana Groom of Convenience (Montana Cowboys #5)

“I can’t even remember what your question was.” Partly true, as she didn’t know if he wanted to know why she was angry or why she’d been avoiding him.

He held her hands loosely. She could have pulled away without effort, but she didn’t even try, even knowing it would make it easier to keep her longings under control.

“Why have you avoided me all morning?” Did she imagine a hint of hurt in his tone?

“Very well. If you must know, I find it difficult to continually deceive my friends.”

“About what?”

She faced him full-on. “About our marriage. It isn’t romantic. It isn’t even real.” She had said too much and waited, unable to breathe, for him to respond.

He removed his hand from hers and stared across the creek. “If I remember correctly, it’s what you wanted.” He fell silent, but she refused to be the one to speak first. After a bit, he rumbled his lips. “Have you changed your mind?”

Yes. But she couldn’t confess it. Better what they had now than nothing, she reminded herself. “Of course not.”

“Then I don’t see a problem. Let others think what they will. You aren’t responsible for that.” He bit into his sandwich.

“I suppose not.” She bit her own sandwich, surprised at how dry and tasteless it was. Ethel was a fine cook. She looked at the bread and meat and saw no reason for her disappointment. She admitted it wasn’t the food but the situation that was at fault.

They allowed the animals to rest a bit. It would have been a perfect opportunity to share secrets and hopes.

Ethel would have considered it a romantic interlude.

But it wasn’t that for Sawyer and Carly.

Sawyer lay back, covered his face with his hat, and, for all she knew, had a nap while she stared at the water rippling past. The sound normally would have calmed her, but this time, it utterly failed to do so.

In fact, she couldn’t sit there any longer with Sawyer nearby,oblivious to her state of mind, and she bolted to her feet.

“What’s wrong?” Sawyer asked from beneath his hat.

“I’ll be right back.” Let him think she needed a moment of privacy. She ducked behind some bushes and stopped, pressing her fingers to her forehead.

How was she to live up to her end of their agreement?

That afternoon, Sawyer rode a little to the left and slightly behind Carly.

She didn’t put as much distance between them as she had in the morning, and yet it seemed there was a mile-wide canyon separating them.

What had happened to make her so aloof? He reviewed the events of last night and this morning before they left the Bar None and could think of nothing.

His worst fear was that she’d changed her mind about their marriage. He was not so naive that he didn’t know she could easily have it annulled. When he’d asked if she had, his brain had hammered from lack of oxygen as he waited for her to answer.

His relief when she said she hadn’t was intermingled with longing for what he witnessed between Mike and Ethel. Loving. Caring. Understanding.

He mused on the idea as they rode along. The bulls moved so easily that all that was required of Sawyer and Carly was to guide them in the right direction. It left plenty of time for thinking.

Loving, caring, understanding. The words rolled over and over in his mind until he came to a firm conclusion. He could give those under their agreement.

Sweetness filled his being as he realized it was the first time since Mama and Johnny died that he was willing to let such feelings live in his heart.

He settled back in his saddle. I think Mama would approve. In fact, he could almost feel her breath as she leaned over him to kiss him on the forehead. It was a sweet memory from many years ago. One that warmed him clear through.

No time like the present to offer those things.

He rode close to Carly. “How long have you known Mike and Ethel?”

She startled as if her thoughts had been a thousand miles away.

“Father met Mike years ago before he married Ethel. They’re both cattlemen, so it’s not surprising they ran into each other.

One winter, Mike went east. Told us he was going to find a wife.

” She stared off into the distance. “I suppose we all thought he’d advertise and come back with a sort of mail-order bride.

He’s never said how he met Ethel, although a few people have enquired.

But it’s obvious to anyone with eyes that theirs is a love match.

” She grinned at him. “They can hardly keep their eyes off each other.”

“It’s so romantic.” He pressed his hand to his chest and sighed, earning him a laugh from Carly. He felt his lungs swell to capacity at the way she grinned at him.

To his right, a flash of yellow color caught his eyes.

“I’ll be right back.” He rode toward the spot and dismounted.

Strange-looking flowers with yellow petals hanging downward and brown centers pointing toward the sun.

With his knife, he cut half a dozen of the flowers and rode back to Carly. “Flowers for you.”

She stared at him, her eyes wide, then looked at the flowers in her hands. “Thank you.” The words seemed strained.

He knew it was because he had surprised her.

“Why?” she asked.

He considered his answer carefully before he spoke.

“You said you hated deceiving your friends, so I thought I would do something romantic, so it isn’t a deception when people make comments like Ethel did.

” Pleased with himself for the reasonable answer, he grinned.

His pleasure went to the core of his heart when she ducked her head.

He knew his little gesture had pleased her. He began to plan other surprises.

They pushed on slowly. He opened his canteen and offered her a drink before he quenched his own thirst. She reached into her saddlebags and brought out a sack of cookies and passed half to him.

The bulls began to weary. “We need to stop soon.” They’d spend the night. Like Ethel had said, it was romantic to be alone under the stars. But how best to make the most of it?

“Let’s stop over there.” She pointed toward a nearby creek where trees would provide shelter. They turned aside. The animals drank eagerly while he and Carly made a temporary rope corral.

“I think they’ll be happy enough to rest that they won’t wander away,” she said. “All the same, we need to take turns watching them.”

He had to agree. His own plans would have to take second place to the necessity of making sure the bulls got home safely.

They ate a simple supper of beans and biscuits with more of Ethel’s baking for dessert. The sun dipped toward the mountains in the west. Carly yawned.

They were both weary. “I’ll take the first watch. You get some rest.” He moved closer to where the bulls were corralled and sat down, his back to a tree.

“Wake me in a few hours.” She removed her boots and crawled into her bedroll. Within minutes, she breathed deeply.

He would have no trouble staying awake as his thoughts churned in endless circles.

Despite his decision to show Carly he cared, a portion of him wondered at the wisdom of that decision.

Fear and uncertainty tangled within him.

He recalled the moment he’d learned not to let himself care.

He groaned. Didn’t realize how loud the sound was in the dark until Carly threw back the covers. “What’s wrong? ”

“Just thinking.”

She pulled on her boots and joined him by the corral. The tree was small, so her shoulder pressed against his as she sat beside him. “What kind of thinking makes a man groan as if he’d been punched?”

The moon shining on the water of the creek provided a silvery, wobbly light. A mesmerizing light that unlocked a door within him. “It was a sad memory.”

She squeezed his hand, her arm resting across his. “Would you tell me about it?”

“It was shortly after Mama and Johnny died. Can’t say for sure how long.

Time didn’t mean anything then. Pa couldn’t seem to settle down.

We’d go from place to place to place. He’d start a job and then leave.

Always on the move. I guess it was his way of fleeing the pain of what happened.

” He closed his eyes as the memory gained speed.

“Then, a couple of years down the road, he found a job on a ranch in the Dakotas. We had a little cabin to ourselves and ate in the cookhouse with the other men. The boss man was really nice to us, and his wife kind of took me under her wing.”

He told of getting special treats and being invited into the house to test fresh cookies. Sitting next to the boss lady on the sofa as she read to him and taught him school lessons. “She was a schoolteacher before she married the boss man.”

They had stayed throughout the summer. “The cabin was warm and comfortable. I spent time every day at the main house. The missus took care of me in many ways. I think she saw how hurt and lonely I was and went out of her way to help me. She doled out hugs freely.” He paused as his throat tightened.

“It was the longest we stayed in one place, and I let myself think Pa had decided to settle down.”

It took a moment before he could go on, and Carly waited, letting him take all the time he needed, drawing strength from her touch.

“Then, one morning, he said we were moving on. I’ll never forget the day.

There was a cold wind carrying pellets of snow.

They stung my skin. I turned my face into the wind, welcoming the discomfort.

‘I’m not going,’ I said. ‘I’ll stay here.

’ I ran up to the house and barged in. The missus looked up as I ran into the kitchen.

‘Pa’s leaving, and I don’t want to go,’ I blurted out.

‘Can I stay with you?’ She gave a sad look.

‘I wish you could, but you must go with your father.’ When she tried to hug me goodbye, I pushed her away. ”

He relived that moment. The bitter disappointment. “That’s when I promised myself I would never let myself care about anyone.” He’d kept that vow until now. Maybe he should continue to keep it.

But it was too late. He’d already begun to care.

Did he want to retract his earlier decision to show his feelings toward her? Could he if he tried?