Page 16 of Miss Hawthorne’s Unlikely Husband (The Troublemakers Trilogy #3)

E lodia stared at Richard, a thousand responses rising up in her throat.

The wording was diabolical. Provided she believed it was best?

What on earth was she meant to say? How could she reject him without leaving herself open to a thousand humiliating questions?

If she accepted, then he would blame her for subjecting them both to the ensuing debacle, or worse, he would think she was taking advantage of Ada’s ignorance when she knew he didn’t really want to dance with her.

She glanced to her left and noticed the glances in their direction.

If she turned him down, there would be gossip and he would have difficulty explaining or recovering.

Unless, of course, she simply didn’t dance at all that evening.

It would be excruciating, but it was probably the last time she would get to dance with him in this lifetime.

Five minutes, ten at most and it would be done.

The opening music began. She met his eyes and gave the closest approximation of a smile she could manage. “Then I accept.”

He blinked, as if in surprise, then nodded and offered his arm to her.

She took it and allowed him to lead her out to the dance floor.

She smiled at the guests who stared, to all appearances, proud and delighted of her partner and her circumstances.

Not at all nervous or heartbroken about dancing with a man who had left her in no doubt of his feelings for her. Or the lack thereof.

They took their places for the country dance and Elodia focused her gaze on the space between his eyes.

It was just high enough to give the impression that she was staring into his eyes without actually having to do it.

It was a slow dance, of course it would be.

As if there were no other dances available.

At least a quicker tempo would offer more moments of respite.

The dance began with him across from her, and then, all too soon her hand was perched lightly in his, his hand rested on her waist as they walked forward.

It felt like it had been an age since they last danced, and yet she knew a lifetime wouldn’t be long enough to numb her into insensibility.

Not when every one of her senses was greedy for him; from the touch of his hand to the hard muscle of his arm and that hypnotic scent.

“How are you?” he asked softly. At the sound of his voice, she instinctively met his eyes. The concern she saw there left hers stinging. Bad idea.

“I am well enough, as I said earlier.” She dropped her gaze down to his chin. Much safer territory. “I apologize for this. I didn’t know how to avoid it without prompting more questions from Ada.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I know you would rather be doing anything else.”

Finally, they were separated for a moment, she smiled at her second partner, trying to maintain the social mask.

She’d never truly needed it before with Richard.

Now it took far too much effort to maintain it in such close quarters.

Too soon she was back at his side, and his hand was at her waist again.

It took everything in her not to lean back into his body.

His breath wafted over her bare shoulder as he led her in a turn to face him before moving them both in a slow circle, his arm half around her waist. “Thank you for returning my father’s watch to me.”

So he had received it. She shook her head. “It is no matter. I meant to do so earlier but the glass on the face was shattered, and I wanted to replace it. After that, it took some time to find an opportunity that wouldn’t draw notice.”

“Understood.”

“I… I wasn’t keeping it to be cruel.” She had to say it. He hadn’t accused her of anything, but she wouldn’t take anything for granted again. Not with him.

He turned her away from him and moved them forward, his arm behind her back. “I wouldn’t think that of you, Ellie.”

The shock of hearing his voice say that name had her meeting his eyes over her shoulder for a moment.

Only his face was much closer than she’d anticipated.

The cold censure from a week ago was gone, but whatever emotion had escaped his mask was indecipherable to her.

It hadn’t been like this before, or if it had been, she’d remained blissfully aware.

Her heart racing, she turned her head to face forward.

“Mr. Thornfield, I do not believe we are on such terms by your own declaration.”

“I apologize.”

“It is no matter.” Did he sound disappointed? Let him be disappointed; he couldn’t be more so than she was.

“No, I,” he paused and then took a breath, but by that time she was back with her second partner, smiling like a doll with burning eyes.

How much longer was this cursed dance supposed to last?

She’d been ready to enjoy it in silence after a few pleasantries, but Richard clearly had other ideas.

The moment she was beside Richard again, he began to speak.

“I have been meaning to apologize to you for what I said.”

Apologize? More kindness to make her feel comfortable. Kindness he didn’t owe her. “I do not accept your apology,” she replied lightly, “The sentiments you related were natural and just.”

“They were also cruel.”

Hard. Uncompromising, but she couldn’t quite call them cruel. “No, only disappointing. I am allowed my disappointment just as you are allowed your honesty.”

“I don’t want to be on bad terms, El—” he cut himself off. “Miss Hawthorne.”

She wouldn’t look at him, she couldn’t, not with her name half spoken between them.

She believed his apology and that he felt the necessity for it, but she didn’t want to go back to what they had been before.

It would be torture and she couldn’t trust herself to respect his boundaries.

This way, she could protect them both. It was painful, but at least the pain was something she could bear.

Mercifully, the dance came to an end at last. She drew away from him and clasped her hands at her waist, nearly breaking her fingers with her grip as she met his eyes for what she told herself would be the last time. “We are not on bad terms. They are merely different.”

Was that sadness on his face? Disappointment? Guilt? She couldn’t tell anymore.

He nodded finally and gave her a small smile. “I wish you every happiness.”

She nodded. “Thank you. I wish the same for you. If I may infringe upon you once more, would you return me to Miss Walsh? She is acting as a sort of chaperone for me in place of my father this evening.”

He nodded and led her through the crowd to Isolde who was watching her with a serious expression. She would finish as she began. She kept her back straight and managed a small smile.

“Thank you, Mr. Thornfield,”

He shook his head. “Not at all. It was my honor.”

They lingered there for a moment, staring at each other, unsure or unwilling to end the moment, knowing it was an end to more than a dance.

She took the moment to take him in this last time, his broad shoulders, his dark eyes, his softly curving mouth.

This would be the last time she allowed herself to take him in.

After this moment, in her mind, he would be someone else’s.

He bowed and Elodia sank into a deep curtsey, keeping her burning eyes on the marble floor until he walked away.

It was all over. They’d said everything that they needed to and they could both move on without bitterness.

It should have been a relief. She wanted to disappear into a dark room and sob until there wasn’t an ounce of water left inside her.

“Elodia,” She heard Isolde’s voice. “Ellie, are you well?”

“I need a moment outside.” Her voice sounded like a broken whimper. A hand gripped her arm firmly and she felt herself being pulled from the room.

“Breathe, Ellie,” she murmured, running her hand up and down Elodia’s back as she led her out a door to a balcony. It must have been a balcony. She could feel the night air on her skin. It took a few minutes for Elodia to catch her breath.

“I’m alright.” But she would be damned if she met anyone’s eyes.

“You are second away from bursting into tears.”

Elodia felt her mouth tremble almost on cue. Blast “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, my dear, just breathe.”

“Is it obvious?”

“Your discomfiture is obvious, but the cause is less so,” she replied.

Ellie pressed her palm to her forehead and paced back and forth as she struggled to maintain her grip on the worst of her emotions. She couldn’t lose herself now, not now with so many people close by.

“If you felt this strongly then why on earth did you dance with him?”

“Because Ada insisted it would encourage more suitors to see me dancing with an eligible gentleman.”

Isolde stood against the railing, watching her stride back and forth. “And you couldn’t find a way out.”

“Not a clean one. He was so worried about me, worried about my feelings and my state of mind.”

“You said he hadn’t been cruel.”

Elodia stopped short in her pacing and looked at her.

“He wasn’t. Or at least not as cruel as he could have been.

More than anything, he was firm. His face was so cold.

It was like talking to a stranger.” A stranger who had found an acquaintance invading his privacy.

In a way, it was what she had asked for, but only if he didn’t care for her at all outside of Ada.

“How terrifying.”

“I would hold it against him, but you know how I am. I’m stubborn. Papa always calls me a bully.”

“Oh,” Isolde’s voice broke off and Elodia looked up to see the older woman’s lips twitching against a smile. “Well, not in a bad sort of way.”

Elodia leaned against the stone banister beside Isolde and took a deep breath. “Yes, but I don’t take ‘no’ as a response easily.”

“Yes, let’s call it that.” She slipped an arm around Elodia’s shoulders and gave her a brisk hug.

“I thought it was this grand romance,” she said with a rueful smirk. “I had it all planned out. How arrogant.”

“No.”

“I was. I was too certain and now I have nowhere to hide from him. He’s everywhere and he knows the truth. Every time he sees me looking at him, he’ll know what I’m thinking. It was easier when he had no idea.”

“You owed it to yourself to check, to know for certain how you both felt.”

“You think so?” Elodia asked, looking at her.

“Absolutely.” Isolde ran her hand over Elodia’s back in a smooth, comforting stroke. “What if he did feel the same way and neither of you ever spoke? Wouldn’t that be a waste?”

“I suppose.” It didn’t feel very brave at the moment. It felt like she had disrespected him and paid the price.

“Chin up, my dear. You were brave, but bravery comes with a price. What now?”

“I will have to get through this season. When Papa marries, I will move to stay with Aunt Theo, and then I will set up my own establishment somewhere. In time, I will marry someone sensible and kind.”

“Is that all?”

“What do you mean?”

“What about the rest of the season? Will you hide yourself away?”

“I don’t know. Do you think I should try to marry someone else this year?”

“Whyever not? There could be someone right under your nose who has been waiting for your notice just as you waited for Mr. Thornfield’s.”

It was possible. Perhaps all she needed to do was give it an honest shot.

Richard had said any man would be lucky to be chosen by her.

It wouldn’t be a fairytale, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t be good, or even wonderful.

“I do not believe that I will love anyone else as much as I love Richard, but that doesn’t mean I need to stop trying.

You are right, I’ll keep looking this year.

Why should I be the only one unmarried?”

“Very good. You know, your Aunt Theo had a similar story. She says happiness isn’t about getting what you want but learning to appreciate what you have. It is a life skill.”

“Yes. I will master it in time. But for now, I’d like to stay out here where it’s quiet.”

Elodia knew time and distance would take the worst of the sting of his rejection away.

But she didn’t know how to fix the humiliation she felt due to spending nearly a decade pining for him.

Maybe it would have been easier if Richard didn’t know that particular detail, but in her desperation she had told it all.

Maybe she’d hoped that he would take pity on her and give her a chance, but she knew that would have been worse.

Now there was no way to return to any kind of normality with that hanging between them.

Every conversation, glance or touch would be weighed down with the knowledge that she had wanted and always would want more from him than he could give.

That every interaction between them would leave her sick with a longing that she could never fulfill.

If only there was a way to close the chapter for both of them, a way to even the playing field for them, to move forward at last. It wouldn’t fix everything but at least it would be more bearable.

Was there a way for her to regain her dignity?

She couldn’t think of anything at the moment outside of marriage.

But she didn’t want to marry to prove to Richard she was safe to be around.

Perhaps time would provide that answer as well.