Page 10 of Mayfair Madame (Mayfair Heights #1)

Chapter Ten

Ellie

I pondered my reflection in the mirror, my face sticky with Naomi’s juices. Did I feel bad about running out on her?

Of course, but I was afraid she’d want something more, and I wasn’t ready to offer her that. Just because I’d undressed didn’t mean I was ready for her to see all of me. The parts of me that made me hate myself.

At least when I’d been on my knees, she couldn’t see the rolls, the nauseating flesh I so loathed and detested. How my stomach hung over the top of my underwear.

It was so fucking stupid, but I couldn’t stand it if she’d stared, or worse still, laughed. It had happened before. But if I’d refused, I would have sabotaged the best thing that had happened to me in a long, long time.

I found an expensive hand soap and washed all traces of her from my face. She’d probably hate me for leaving, but I’d have to accept that.

I walked back into the kitchen. Naomi had put on a silky robe, her elegant feet still bare. She added a little milk to a cup and handed me the other.

“Let’s go sit where it’s more comfortable,” she said, her tone frosty.

You wouldn’t have thought that just five minutes ago, I’d brought her to an orgasm so strong her legs had given way.

I settled into a comfy chair while she took the sofa. She tucked her legs beneath her and clutched her mug of steaming coffee.

“If you were anyone else, I’d have kicked you out of here, but I like you, Ellie Sharpe, and I think I deserve an explanation why you want to run away.”

I gazed into the mug she’d given me, looking for an answer but knowing I wouldn’t find it there.

“I’m sorry. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.” Such a fucking cliché, but it was true. How much to tell her, though? Did I want to bring down the mood of the evening?

It’d been a great one so far. If nothing else, I’d stepped out of my comfort zone and left my flat.

“Talk to me. I’m listening.” She eyed me, a determined look on her face, her lips set in a straight line.

Why was this so hard? I barely knew the woman, but maybe that made it easier.

“I hate my body. I have done since I was a child. The thought of you seeing me naked flooded me with anxiety, shame, and self-loathing. I can’t tell you the number of times I wanted to escape tonight.

I was about to leave, and if it hadn’t been for Oscar standing in the way, I’d have disappeared.

I don’t fit in with you and your friends. ”

Her face softened a little but still held traces of a hardness I hated seeing, especially as it was my fault.

“Of course you do, and I knew you were leaving. I agree, you don’t know us, so I can understand how it might make you feel, but we’re good people. We’d never judge anyone based on looks alone. That’s not how we do things around here.”

“I know, but it’s hard when it’s happened before. When I was young, I was your atypical fat kid. I was taunted, bullied, and teased. Kids can be cruel, and they made my life a fucking misery every single day.”

Bile rose in my throat, and my stomach ached at the memory, but I continued.

“Long story short, I ended up in therapy. I learnt to deal with it, but I’m incredibly self-conscious of my body and hate anyone seeing it.”

“How did you get on with Kate?”

I blew out a breath. “Kate became part of the problem. I tell myself she left because of the work hours, but I think it had more to do with how I looked.”

“That’s messed up, and she didn’t deserve you, then. Were you bulimic? Anorexic?”

“No, nothing like that. I loved food too much to stop eating, and then that became part of the problem. I ate to forget. When I was stressed, I ate until it was a habit I couldn’t break. And now look at me.”

“I have looked at you, and I like what I see. Asking you out was the hardest thing I’ve done in a long time, and I’m upset that you don’t trust me.

I know we’ve not known each other long, but I hoped that from the interaction we’d had, you’d see I’m an honest person.

You have more to offer than looks, Ellie.

So that’s why we’re sitting here talking instead of you walking out the door. ”

“I know you’re honest, and I do trust you, but as I said before, it’s me, not you.

You are gorgeous and so fucking sexy. I can’t help wondering what you see in me.

When Kate left, I spiralled. I binged on all the wrong things and put far too much weight on.

I seem to be in a constant cycle of diets, fasting and trying to shed pounds. ”

“It can be difficult, and I can understand why you feel the way you do. Did I force you into something you weren’t comfortable with? I never meant to do that to you.”

“You didn’t. I really wanted tonight to work. It’s my hang up, not yours. I can only apologise.”

She patted the seat next to her. “There’s no need to apologise. Come sit by me, please.”

Why was she being so nice? I placed the coffee on the table and sat next to her. She unfurled her feet and lay down, her head in my lap.

“Tell me more.”

“I don’t know what else to say. Right now, I’m existing on a diet of terrible coffee, sugar-free gum, and hope.”

I stroked down her arm and rested my hand on her waist.

“It’s a wonder you don’t pass out. There are ways of getting the nutrition you need without piling on the pounds. If you’d like, I could help you with that.”

“You don’t have to do that for me.”

“No, I don’t, but I want to. Would you believe I have a similar story?”

“What? I don’t believe you. Look at you.” Although it wasn’t outside of the realm of possibility. People lost weight all the time. Just because I couldn’t do it didn’t mean others had the same problem.

“My problem was a little different from yours. I was a skinny kid. I struggled to keep weight on. Even now, I have to really try to keep this weight. I’m not trying to rub it in, Ellie.”

“I know. Was there a reason?”

“Urgh, another long story. Too long for tonight. This is nice, though.” She snuggled a little deeper into my lap. I enjoyed sitting with her like this.

I looked around the room. What would it be like to live somewhere like this? Josh and I had only been here briefly, sat on this exact sofa. A bank of windows covered one wall, giving a view of London. The skyline full of twinkling lights.

It reminded me a little of Emmeline’s place, but the decor here was far more modern. Huge cream fabric sofas, a gorgeous wooden coffee table, cream carpets, and a patterned rug.

Nothing at all like the dreary flat I lived in. One dingy living room with a beige sofa and TV. A kitchen that had seen much better days. No oven, but at least I had a microwave, and if I wanted to warm anything else up, I had a hot plate.

My view definitely wasn’t as good as this one.

“What are you thinking about? You’ve gone all quiet.”

“I was just admiring the view.” I looked down at her lying in my lap, at the curve of her body. The robe had slipped to one side, revealing her long, shapely legs.

Naomi shivered as I stroked my hand along her thigh.

“Don’t start something you can’t finish, Ellie,” she said, her voice low.

I chuckled. “I think I finished you off pretty good earlier.”

“You definitely did. I’m still feeling it now. We could always go again. I know you didn’t get a chance.”

“Oh, I did. You just didn’t notice, but it wasn’t about me. I wanted to please you.”

“I can’t help but feel this night has taken a weird turn. Do you think that too?”

“I certainly didn’t expect to bare my soul like that, but now you know my deepest, darkest secret and why I’m not happy about showing my body.”

“If this is all you can give me right now, I’m happy, Ellie, but I’d like to do it again.”

“I’d like that as well.” I glanced at my watch. It was after midnight, and I still needed to get home. “I should go.”

“Really? Do you have to? You could stay if you wanted to. I have plenty of space, or you could share with me?”

As much as I’d like to, home was where I ought to be to think about all that had happened tonight. My mind was full, the past I’d tried so hard to forget dredged up again, and all because of Naomi.

Not that I blamed her. God, no. It all would have come out eventually, but tonight had moved so swiftly from inviting me up for coffee to pleasuring her and making her come.

“I would love to stay, but I need to get home.”

She sat up, and her robe fell open, exposing her perfect tits. Everything about her was enticing, and it was on the tip of my tongue to say yes and drag her to her bedroom.

“I know you like what you see, Ellie.” She pulled it open a little wider, revealing more tantalising skin, her large brown nipples erect.

Temptation got the better of me, and I bent my head, flicking my tongue over each one before sucking them into my mouth.

She leant back on her hands and arched her back, forcing them deeper.

“Please stay,” she said, her breath coming in pants.

Her legs fell open, the black thong barely covering her.

I dropped my chin to my chest and closed my eyes. I warred with the temptation inside of me. “I can’t, Naomi. Not tonight. I need some space to think. Not about you. It’s all been a bit too much for my brain to handle.”

She didn’t beg, and at least now she didn’t seem as annoyed as she had earlier. She placed a kiss on my lips and stood.

“I understand, and I really enjoyed tonight. If you want to, I would love to meet up with you again. Text me. Maybe we could go for coffee.”

I ignored the voice in my head telling me I was a fool, but leaving was the right thing to do. I needed time to gather my thoughts. The next time we met up, I’d be ready for her. I’d felt so out of my depth earlier, but now I’d know what to expect.

She walked me to the door; her robe now closed; the belt tied securely around her slim waist. Who’d have believed she’d suffered the same as I had?

“Thank you for inviting me. I had a good time.” I smiled wistfully. Hopefully, this wasn’t the last we saw of each other.

“Until next time.” She went to close the door.

One more taste. That was all I needed. I put my arm around her waist, tugged her closer, and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. I didn’t want her to think I had any hard feelings about this evening.

“Goodnight, Naomi.”

“Goodnight, Ellie.”

I walked away, and the door closed with a soft click. I leant against the wall and took a deep breath. What was I thinking? I should be spending the night with the sexiest woman alive. Instead, I was turning tail and running back to the hovel I called home.

Would she ever forgive me? I wasn’t sure, but at least we’d had tonight and I’d remember that until my dying day.

The lift arrived swiftly. Walter was still in the foyer.

“Would you like me to call you a taxi, Miss Sharpe?”

“Thank you, but no, Walter. I think I’ll walk.”

I left the building and turned left, past Sam’s bar and the Italian restaurant. Both were in darkness, as were the rest of the retail premises.

It was certainly a different setup, one I’d not seen before. An amalgamation of business and residential spaces, all contained in one building. Josh and I had only had a brief look, but maybe I’d come back again and try the bakery.

The night was still warm, the streets busy with late-night revellers. I wasn’t worried about being out this late at night. I knew how to defend myself, and as I got closer to home, the bright lights of the city faded. Dark side streets with dim lighting hid God knew what.

The scuffle of rats going about their business scared the life out of me, but didn’t they always say you were never more than ten feet away from a rat? I could well believe that.

It took longer than I expected to get home, and it was well after one a.m. when I put the key in the door. My feet ached, but hey, the exercise did me good.

I took off my boots and collapsed onto my sofa, the events of the evening still running through my head. I’d surely blown it with Naomi, even though she’d said we should go for coffee.

Or maybe she’d change her mind. Because who wanted to go out with the miserable arse that moaned about being fat all the time?

I was tired of being like this. Tired of wallowing in self-pity every fucking day of my life since Kate had left.

Naomi was the best thing that had happened to me in a long time, and now here I was, pushing her away like I usually did. Self-sabotage at its finest.

Would she give me another chance?

I hoped so, but that was a problem for tomorrow.

I pulled myself up from the sofa and made my way to the bedroom, my eyes drooping.

Goddamn it. Present Ellie was pissed at past Ellie.

The bed was strewn with clothes. Clothes I’d discarded in favour of the shirt and jeans that barely fit where they touched.

Every one of them tonight—Oscar, Marco, Melinda, Naomi—they’d all dressed impeccably. I reckoned not one of them shopped anywhere but at designer stores. But that would never be possible on my salary.

Was it time to make changes? I should lose weight for myself, but how many times was I going to let this keep me from going for what I wanted?

Naomi had made it clear that she wanted me, and I’d pushed her away. Instead of looking at a bed full of clothes, I could have been sharing abed with the most sensual woman I’d ever met.

God, I was such a fucking idiot.

I swept everything onto the floor, stripped off my clothes, and climbed into bed.

I stared at the ceiling for what felt like an eternity. I tossed and turned, punched my pillow, but still, sleep evaded me.

All I could think about was Naomi and how I’d let her down. She must fucking hate me.

I glanced at my phone, hoping to see a message or a missed call, but there was nothing.

Fuck this. I needed another drink. My mind was all over the place. No way I was getting to sleep tonight. I had some whisky somewhere tucked at the back of a cupboard.

I’d told Naomi I drank a little, certainly not spirits, but tonight called for it.

I poured two fingers, added some ice, and went back to bed, intent on drowning my sorrows.

I almost dropped my glass as Naomi’s name flicked across the screen.

Thanks for tonight. Speak soon, N x

I punched the air. Fuck, yes. Maybe I hadn’t screwed it up completely.

I threw back the whisky, almost choking in the process, and finally drifted off to sleep.