Page 40 of Maybe, Probably (Love Me, Maybe #1)

Chapter Twenty Fiv e

Xavier

I admit it.

I’ve been an asshole.

After the moment we shared in the sauna, I completely shut down. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like steel was banded around my lungs. My fight or flight kicked in, and at that moment, I needed to get out of there, as fast as possible.

I’ve been avoiding Harper as much as possible.

I’m getting up before she wakes, and staying in the gym until I know she’s cleared out of the bedroom.

I quickly run into the bathroom and shower when she leaves before gearing up to spend the afternoon on the slopes.

I haven’t skied in years, it took me a long time to be at peace with skiing again and get back on the hill.

But the familiarity of the motions keep the demons at bay.

Of course, when we have to all be together as a group, I play the part.

I play the boyfriend. I remind myself that we’re fake dating.

That this is for show. I indulge in the feel of her by my side, the way it feels holding her.

Placing kisses on the top of her head, here in front of everyone it’s safe. It’s all I can allow myself.

If I start to think of anything more happening, then she comes back, reminding me why I’ve closed myself off all these years. She was the one who broke me, and I don’t want to be in that position again.

I cannot truly care for Harper, because that only leads to one thing.

Heartbreak .

I won’t be able to survive another one.

My workout this morning is focused, the music in my ears matching the vibes.

Ten minutes later, with sweat dripping down my back, I hop off the treadmill, and make my way over to the weights.

I’m grabbing two dumbbells for a seated shoulder press.

I sit down and when I look at my reflection in the mirror, I make eye contact with Deke.

His posture is awkward, as if he isn’t sure how to move around the gym with me here.

Removing one headphone from my ear, I ask, “Can I help you?”

Derry stands up straighter “Uh, no. I was just hoping to get a little workout in, but I can go.” He throws his thumb over his shoulder pointing in the direction of the exit.

“I don’t need the whole gym to myself. You’re free to use it as well.” I lean forward and begin my first set.

We workout together in silence in our respective areas. I focus on my workout, reveling in the burn that comes with every set. It’s only when I finish my last set that Dane speaks again.

“You know Harps– ahem, Harper.”

“I don’t think you really have the right to speak about Harper anymore,” I grunt, adjusting my grip on the weights, before redirecting my eyes to him. “Wouldn’t you agree?”

A sigh escapes him, placing the weights back down on the wrack before turning.

He looks like shit. It’s more than the exhaustion that comes with dealing with my sister’s antics.

My dad has worn that look before. No, this is different.

He looks bone deep tired; the bags under his eyes are prominent. “You look like shit.”

He laughs. “Yeah, I guess I deserve that.” He shuffles in place for a minute.

“I know you won’t believe this, but I truly didn’t mean to hurt Harper.

I’ve got a lot of pressure at work and with my family.

I let it control me, and I let my parents talk me into things I normally would never agree to.

” He sits down on one of the workout benches, resting his elbows on his knees as he looks down shamefully.

“I fucked up. I’ll own up to that. I just want a minute to talk to her.

I don’t know exactly what I’m expecting from it, but she was my best friend.

I would talk to her about everything. I just miss her. ”

I mean, I feel for him. I can understand the pressures of work and parents.

I’ve never met his parents, but I have a somewhat idea based on the little that Harper has told me.

I’m not a stranger to fucking up either.

It’s what I’m currently doing, and I’m trying to figure out how exactly to fix this too.

Perhaps this is something we could help each other out with. An olive branch, if you will.

I sigh heavily. “I’ll talk to her.”

Dylan’s head shoots up, and he looks at me in awe. “You–you will?”

I shrug. “Yeah, but I could actually use your help too. I have this idea for Harper’s Christmas gift, but I need to talk it out.”

“Absolutely, anything! What do you have in mind?”

“Okay, so here’s my idea.”

Dwight–I mean–Dalton and I spend the rest of the afternoon putting everything into place so that my surprise arrives just on time. I was trying to aim for it to happen on Christmas morning, but when we were able to figure it out for tonight, I jumped on the idea.

I’m nervous. What if she hates it? What if this is something she doesn’t want?

My palms begin to sweat, and I wipe them on my pants.

I’m in uncharted territory right now. I’ve told myself that I was going to stay away, but here I am, doing this big grand gesture.

Why? Because I hate the fact that I’ve been so cold to her.

I decide to push down my emotions like I always do, and focus on what I need to do right now: getting ready for dinner tonight. I shower quickly, pulling the outfit I’ve chosen from the closet. I’m keeping it simple with a pair of beige slacks and a black dress shirt.

My parents' Christmas Eve parties are pretty low key. It usually consists of my parents, some of their close friends, and colleagues. I invited Josie and Monty to come out with the kids, and suggested they bring their parents so they have someone to watch the kids. I’ve spent the last couple years with them for the holidays.

I’ve been to every Christmas since Shiloh was born, and I don’t plan to miss a single one.

Plus, I want to see the look on Monty and Josie’s face when they see I got Shiloh an inflatable bounce house…

and added a jumbo bag of plastic balls to go with it.

A smirk forms my lips as I think of tomorrow morning watching him open it up.

A knock interrupts me, and Monty walks in.

His strawberry blonde hair is slicked at the sides, his curls controlled on top.

He’s wearing his tortoiseshell square glasses, and light stubble frames his face.

He’s never been one to have a full beard, but he often sports a bit of scruff.

He’s wearing a light grey dress shirt, and dark grey slacks with a matching jacket, his collar open revealing his collar bone.

My eyes drift behind him to see if Josie is tagging along, and sure enough, a couple seconds later she comes into the room, huffing and puffing.

“I swear to God, if this baby doesn’t come out soon, I’m going to lose my mind.

” She finds the closest chair, lowering herself while shooting daggers at her husband.

As she looks over at me her eyes soften and she opens her arms. “Now, come over and hug me, because, well, I’m stuck here until further notice. ”

A chuckle leaves me as I stride over to her.

I embrace her in a hug, kissing her cheek.

“You look stunning,” I tell her as I look over at her.

She’s wearing a maroon, wrap up dress. Her chocolate hair loosely curled with it pinned up to the side.

Light makeup dons her face, with a deep nude on her lips.

Being so close to her due date, I’m amazed with how well she’s doing.

A woman’s body is amazing, and I am in awe at how it can change into a house for life .

“Oh please. I’m as big as a house, and I’m ready to pull this kid out myself if they don’t come out soon.

” There is nothing but warmth on her face as she gently rubs her hand in circles around her belly.

She blows at a piece of hair that’s fallen over her face, trying to maneuver it out of the way.

“How are you doing, big guy?” Seriousness falls across her face as she looks me up and down.

I give her a small smile and look over at Monty, who’s looking at his wife like she is the very breath in his lungs.

When I think of that kind of love, my mind instantly goes to Harper.

My heart rate jumps, and a pressure begins to form in my chest. A wave of guilt and grief flow through me at the thought of having these feelings for anyone other than her .

I feel a hand gripping my shoulder. When I look up, Monty has a concerned look on his face.

“Hey.” He starts, as he lightly taps the side of my face, to make sure I’m listening to him.

“It’s okay, you know? To move on.” My brows furrow as I listen to him, and I feel the pricking of heat at the back of my eyes.

“Have you told Harper about her?” That’s a loaded question.

If I would have let her in, I wouldn’t have put this huge barrier between us the last couple days.

It also means that I would have to admit to myself that I’m starting to love someone else.

I sniff, running my hand down my face. “No– I can’t. Telling Harper about her means admitting I have feelings. Admitting I have feelings means…” My voice fades as the tightness in my chest squeezes so tight, I forget how to breathe.

I feel something in my hand, and when I look down, Josie is holding my hand.

Tears are welled up in her eyes as she looks up at me.

“It means letting a part of her go.” Josie finishes for me.

“Just because you’re moving on doesn’t mean that she’s gone forever, Xavier.

You honor her. Telling Harper about her will allow you to keep her memory alive.

” I give her a curt nod. I try to suck in a deep breath of air, but it’s hard.

We stand like that for a couple minutes. The comfort that I receive from them is palpable. I need help to get through the emotions that are crashing through me in waves. Just as my heart rate has settled down, the bedroom door bursts open .

“Uncle Xavy!” Shiloh comes barrelling through the doors toward me. A smile spreads over my face, and I quickly wipe my eyes before bending over to catch him as he collides into me. “Hey, there's my best buddy!”

“Hey!” I hear Monty grumble in the background.

I chuckle. “Who’s excited to come to a fancy party tonight?” I lean closer to his ear, dropping my voice to a whisper. “I hear there's chocolate cake too.”

“CHOCOLATE CAKE!” Shiloh exclaims, throwing his hands in the air and wiggling around in my arms. I let him down as he grabs his moms hand.

“Come on Mumma, let’s go get some cake!” After a few attempts, she gets up from her seat and follows along after their son, but not without throwing daggers at me as they leave.

“You’re going to pay for that, you know.” Monty chuckles, as he watches them leave the room.

“Yeah, but it’ll be worth it.” There’s a pause as we stand in my room. I fix the cufflinks of my sleeves. “Is everything in order for tonight?” I finally ask.

“Yes. Yes, the package safely arrived, and Dalton said he put it in Harper’s office.” Nerves begin to flutter in my stomach at the realization that my plan was executed perfectly. I wouldn’t have been able to accomplish this without Dalton’s help…and the help of my best friends.

“Perfect. Thank you Monty.”

“Anything for you. Now, let’s head on downstairs and socialize a bit, eh?” He smacks my back before heading out the door. I reach for my phone and send Harper a text, before putting it back in my pocket and following Monty downstairs.