Page 65 of Mask and the Magnolia

Drunk Evie is adorable.

She’s so much more relaxed, more carefree. Evie’s funnier, she throws caution to the wind, but she’s also a huge pain in my ass because at some point tonight, she’ll either crawl into bed with me and try to cuddle herself sober, or she’ll wake me up in an hour ready to keep the party going.

Sometimes it makes me sad to see her like this, though.

It’s not like Eve has a problem, she rarely goes out to be honest, but aside from when it’s just us and she knows we aren’t going to get interrupted by one of our realities, it’s the only time she’s comfortable letting loose.

“A blowjob!” Evie claps her hands then lifts her arms so I can tug her shirt off. “No, wait. Sex on the beach? Hold on, it was a slippery nipple.”

“What was a slippery nipple?”

“No, Magdalena, that wasn’t it.”

When Eve is drunk, she brings out what she refers to as my secret identity but really it’s the name she thinks I should have because she hates my mother so much she doesn’t think the bitch should have been allowed to name me. She doesn’t have a problem with my name, just that my mom was the one who gave it to me, so Eve changes it to Magdalena.

My best friend holds both of her legs out to me as she fights with the fly on her jeans and I swear, if anyone saw this they’d think we were about to go have some crazy drunk sex or something. While I love Eve, I’ve never been attracted to her and I know she can say the same about me. This is all just because drunk Evie has no idea how to undress herself and will get stuck in an article of clothing if she tries.

This is the safest way and it’s taken us years of perfecting it to get it to this point.

I yank her jeans down to her ankles, the skinny denim giving me a harder time than I thought, and as soon as I have one of her feet free, Eve kicks her pants across the room and yells, “Lick my pussy!”

“Excuse me?” I choke out as I jump, her words throwing me off but I swear I heard something come from down the hall at the same time.

A thumping sound.

I turn a little, waiting to hear anything else, but after a few seconds pass, I shake it off and figure it was the sound of my little gray cells exploding over what my bestie just shouted at me.

“Lick my pussy,” she repeats. “That was the shot I did for you!”

“Ah,” I say slowly, waiting for the explanation I know will follow.

Eve pulls her cami up, the silk immediately snagging on her hoop earrings and ponytail. “You know, because you really need someone to lick your pussy.”

“Evie.” I sigh as I untangle her. “I appreciate it but you really don’t have to be so concerned about my pussy.”

“If I’m not, who will be?” She slumps against the couch, her eyes already closing. “You don’t seem to care if anyone’s putting their mouth on your hooha.”

I shake my head and reach for the throw blanket. “No, not really.”

“I don’t know why,” Evie says with a yawn. “I’ve seen it. It’s a nice hooha. If I thought you were hot in a not plutonium way, I’d put my mouth on it.”

“Platonic.” I cover her up then turn her on her side before adding an extra pillow under her head. “And thank you.”

She nods against the pillows, grabbing the blanket and pulling it up to her chin while I spread a second one out over her. “Anytime… I’ll tell everyone about your hooha… and how great it is. We can make… flyers…”

Evie starts snoring before she finishes her thought, and I’m not mad about it. The last thing I need is drunk Evie deciding we really should make flyers for my vag. She’d whip my pants off and try to get a picture then go grab her glitter and puffy paint. All in the name of helping me out. With her new hobby, I don’t know if I could fight her off, so I’m going to be thankful she had some sort of dark colored liquor tonight since she’s already sawing logs.

I bet Eve’s going to have some fucked up dreams tonight.

Giggling my way to the kitchen, I grab a bottle of water and two ibuprofen, the loaf of bread and a bag of spicy pretzels before I set them all up on the coffee table by my best friend.

She’s going to need all of that when she gets up, and I’ll even do her the courtesy of sticking her migraine cap in the freezer next to mine.

With a yawn, I head down the hall, turning off lights I don’t remember leaving on, then pause just before my bedroom.

Did I lock the door?

I turn and look, the deadbolt and chain in place right along with the knob. Still, something feels a little off and I better be sure to get the slider. It doesn’t just keep people from getting in, it also keeps drunk Evie from getting out.