Page 61 of Marked By Shadows
Alex blinked at me, processing my words. “Okay. I don’t think I see everything about you, but I’m not going anywhere.”
“Mhmm,” I said, uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. I’d have rather talked about death in that moment, than my own past and shortcomings.
“I’m not.”
“You don’t know everything about me,” I said.
“No,” he agreed. “But that’s why we are still in the teaching phase, right? Learning about each other, seeing where we fit? Because we’re more than just a spark.” Our eyes met and held for a minute, and I could almost feel the way he saw me. It wasn’t a look of adoration and sublime devotion, but it was filled with kindness and hope. He wasn’t throwing me on some pedestal for worship, or even down on a bed to ravish. Alex was looking for a partner, good or bad. I knew that before we’d ever gotten involved. He needed someone to focus on. I thought I’d be okay with me being that focus, except he saw so much. Would he hate what he learned? Would I annoy him with my overthinking like I did everyone else?
I sighed. “You should know some stuff about me.”
“Like?” Alex asked.
“I have a lot of self-esteem issues.”
“Funny, for a guy who used to have sex on camera, but okay, and that’s not really news.”
I threw him a glare. He just smiled back that silly boyish upturn of his lips that made me want to kiss him. “Stop being so cute.”
“Can’t help it, I am what I am!”
“Jerk.”
“A cute jerk and your jerk.”
“Asshole,” I added, without any heat.
Alex nodded. “Okay. I can be. My brother calls me an asshole often. And since we’re twins, I think that means he’s one too. What else?”
“I don’t do relationships well.”
“I think we’re doing okay.”
“We haven’t been together that long.”
“No, but that’s okay too. Again, not going anywhere. I’m into you. Do I need to spell that out in a different way?” Alex stared at me. What did he know that he was trying to make me say? I had been at the hospital. They’d had access to some of my records, that was obvious since they’d looked for a tetanus shot, though my last one had been overseas. Maybe it hadn’t been my medical records at all, since Freya knew my dirty little secret. I didn’t think anyone else in the group did.
“I’ve struggled with an eating disorder in the past,” I said, coming out with the one thing I really never talked about. Tim hadn’t known. I’d lived with him during the worst of it and he hadn’t had a clue.
Alex did not seem surprised. “In the past?”
I sighed. “I have not relapsed.” I was not purposefully throwing up or avoiding meals. It wasn’t as much of a struggle to actually sit down and eat as it once was. I didn’t calculate calories in my head as I used to. “I’ve just been distracted.”
“You get distracted at home a lot,” Alex pointed out. I did have the bad habit of forgetting to eat while I worked on projects. Having him around made me more aware of time and when I needed to feed him, which meant I was eating more regularly.
“I’m okay,” I promise. “I’ll even bring it up with my therapist again. It’s part of our routine anyway.”
Alex sighed and leaned forward to kiss me on the lips. He took the coffee cup out of my hands, setting it aside and carefully climbing onto my lap. The small seat didn’t make it all that comfortable for either of us, but I liked having him in my space. The intensity of his focus was the hard part.
“I like you the way you are. Don’t change anything about yourself just because you think it will make me like you more. Okay? Losing weight, cutting your hair, wearing a certain style of clothes, I don’tneedany of that. You, as you, turn me on. You know that.” He held my face in his hands. “And I’m crazy about your brain. The insane mess of thoughts racing around your head, and the deep focus in your eyes. So if you’re going to change anything, do it for you, okay? Because it’s something you want, not because you think it will make me stay.”
“Okay,” I agreed. “I can promise to try. Can’t promise I won’t think about stuff. My brain wanders a lot.” Negative thinking, my therapist pointed out, was all pathways we created for ourselves. Recreating more positive routes was work most people weren’t willing to do, but I’d been trying. “This seeing things mess has got me in a spin,” I admitted. Thinking scary things that Alex had probably experienced himself over the years.
“We aren’t crazy,” Alex said. “Isn’t that what you tell me?”
Did I still believe that? We’d seen Death. How many people would it take to lock us up if we spoke those words to anyone other than one another? I had a lot of unvoiced thoughts about this whole thing. Would saying them ease the burden or make me feel crazier? “Do you think there are more bodies out there? By the car I mean.”
Alex pressed his forehead to mine and closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. “Yeah.”