Page 32 of Marked By Shadows

Now I clung to Alex, like he was the last thing that could keep me from shattering completely. He held me, rocked me, kissed my face and hair, not caring at all what anyone else thought. It was one of the things I liked best about him.

“The middle cabin is open for you two,” Freya said from somewhere to my left. “I finished the piece I was working on. And the cabin is all set up. Keys are on the table inside. Just lock up when you’re done.”

I heard her walk away and felt a thousand things all cluttered in my head. Cosplay was the last thing on the list. Even the elation of having Freya make me something was absent in the wake of all the internal noise.

“Well that’s exciting,” Alex said. “What does a cosplay cabin look like?” Alex pulled me toward the middle cabin instead of ours. I should have resisted, insisted we curl up together for the evening, hide from everything, but that wouldn’t end the noise. And I knew that despite being exhausted, I’d be unable to sleep. Too much noise in the middle of all the silence.

Alex opened the door to the middle cabin and pulled me inside, locking the door behind us. The lights were on, illuminating the space. I took deep gulping breaths of Alex’s scent and tried to focus on my senses.

“Down another rabbit hole,” Alex said.

The space did sort of look like entering another world. While the photo cabin was the same size as the one we were renting, it was an open space filled with specific lights, screens, props, and racks full of cosplay designs made real. The space had no kitchen, though I knew there was a large bathroom in the back, instead it was broken up into a table area made for laying out and filming tutorials, and a big loft area with a bed made for photoshoots rather than sleeping. Expensive cameras were mounted in places designed to easily swivel or be set on timers to create pictures beyond what our phones could do even in the digital age.

A box sat on the table with a card next to it, which had my name written in Freya’s delicate script. I took a deep breath, unwilling to let go of Alex to open the box. The trembling began to ease. Having walls around us helped, and watching Alex’s awed expression did too.

“Wonder what she made you,” Alex said guiding us to the table.

“It will be something sexy. It’s what she does best.”

“You don’t need help being sexy,” Alex said completely without thought. He wasn’t trying to stroke my ego, that much I knew. He just found me sexy, and I liked that.

Alex reached out to open the box. Inside was an elegant, semi-sheer, baby doll dress in Gothic Lolita style. I’d never done Lolita as it meant a lot of lace and trim ribbons that didn’t seem to fit me. And since leaving the sex trade I hadn’t modeled anything other than sexy superhero wear for the most part. School outfits and bright colored wigs had been left in the past. The hiding of who I was became unnecessary. I’d become infamous rather than famous, and so the costumes had followed suit.

Standing there, staring at the dress, which would barely reach mid-thigh on me, I wondered if it had been anger or bitterness that kept me from the more feminine look I’d mastered prior to meeting Tim. Hot pants and skintight leggings could be sexy, in a different way. They were all I’d worn in years. Wigs and even the heavy eye makeup had gone the wayside. I’d let my hair grow out despite hating the color and the gentle wave that made it hard to work with. Another attempt to hide who I was, or become something I wasn’t? I didn’t know.

“This is gorgeous,” Alex said. “And so soft. Material like this is usually scratchy, right?” He rubbed the edges of the skirt between his fingers. “Is this more polyester magic?”

I examined the edges. The entire design, which appeared made more out of the sort of fabric used for wedding dresses than normal cosplay. I’d have to chat with Freya about the cost. Would hate to have her spending a fortune on one little outfit for me. “Yes, mostly,” I agreed. “Synthetics at least.”

Alex held it up. “Do you want to try it on?”

No.

Something inside me screamed no like an echo of the broken past I’d been drowning in finally reaching the surface. I didn’t want to be on that stage anymore, used like a doll for the pleasure of others. Was that what Alex wanted too? I knew I turned him on. The wigs, the eyeliner, the skirts, Alex admitted he’d enjoyed them. He had gotten off on the videos, been a fan, he told me more than once. But that life was in the past for both of us. Or at least that was what I thought.

In the end Tim only really got off when we were recording. He’d grown bored with me. No matter what dress, flirty makeup, or new toy I tried. It didn’t excite him as much as camera angles and lighting. The production of voyeurism rather than the act of sex.

I could have left a hundred times. Had dozens of opportunities. Never said no because it was easier to stay. Until something ripped me out of his life and changed the world around me. Hardcore wakeup call, vanishing for a few months and then thrown back into a world that lost value with you so quickly. Tim tried to get back together, only I had felt like a broken doll, no longer pretty and able to hold my arms up in a way to make him happy.

Was that what Alex wanted too? A doll? A toy?

I reached for the dress, expecting to play my part, be the pretty femboy I had once been, all while feeling like a puppet, but Alex folded the dress back up into the box.

“Another time, maybe?” he said, smile warm rather than annoyed. Sometimes he was so confusing. I understood men in general. They were simple creatures. Me included. Easy to read, manipulate, please. Only, not Alex. He was easy in a lot of ways. His personality laid back. But to read, not so much. Just when I thought I understood him, he flipped the tables on me.

“You don’t want to see me in the dress?” I asked, my throat feeling tight.

“Sure. But doesn’t have to be now. It’s pretty. Nice of Freya to make it. Didn’t you bring stuff? I know you had a garment bag. What’s in that?”

“Disney designs,” I answered absently, thinking hard about what his motives might be. Did he have them? Or was that simply my brain in overdrive again?

“Like Sky’s ice queen dress?” Alex stepped away to throw out his arms wide. “Let it go!” He sang, flinging his hands like he was casting spells of ice and building a palace. “Let it snow!” He didn’t seem to know more than a few words of the song. “Finally watched the movie. The night you texted me but wouldn’t let me come over. I watched it on Lukas’s Apple TV. Talk about a gay anthem, right?”

My racing heart began to ease as he pranced around the room, singing horribly, the same words over and over since he obviously didn’t know the song. He pretended to throw magic around like he was coating the walls in ice.

“Sky’s dress didn’t have the long cape thing. That was the best part. An ice cape. You have capes in the shop now, but no ice capes. I could totally be an ice king.”

In truth I had been working on something very similar for him. A gender bender sort of thing. Since he’d loved Sky’s outfit. I’d actually made him a few sets of things. None of which I thought would fit at all, as I had very little of his measurements before he’d been taken.