Page 15 of Marked By Shadows
Even this, such a small thing as a ghost cat or whatever. It scared him. Not seeing a cat, or even a shop girl long murdered, but the fact that he saw things other people didn’t. Seeing things others couldn’t made him vibrate with unease. He didn’t like being different, and months of being told it was all in his head, that he was crazy, made him question his sanity. Was he crazy? He asked me that sometimes in a small childlike voice, worrying over the answer. He walked that line between believing he really did see stuff, and thinking we were all humoring him.
“Did you feel anything?” he asked. “Like skin prickles or anything?”
“No,” I said because I hadn’t. And didn’t always, even when he saw stuff as plain as day.
He frowned at me, worry tightening his lips to almost a grimace.
“Hey,” I said, pulling him into my arms, and wrapping him in a hug. He looked down to meet my eyes and accept a kiss. “It’s okay.”
“You really didn’t feel anything?” he asked again.
No prickles on my skin, or anxiety filling my gut. Did those things come from darker presences? I had no idea. “No. But a ghost cat isn’t all that scary, right? Did it do anything scary? Morph or glow with darkness or anything?”
He shrugged. “Seemed like a normal cat to me. I felt her…”
“How about you feel me right now?” I prompted him, dragging him toward the loft. It was almost nine, early for bed, but not too early to wrap myself up in Alex’s affection.
Of course the suggestion made Alex gasp, his body going hard against mine. It took so little to turn him on, at least when it came to me. When we’d met, he admitted he’d been having trouble getting an erection. Something about me awakened that damaged part of his brain, turned him on like no one else ever had. That little fact made me feel powerful and careful all at once. I did not ever want to hurt him.
“Okay,” he admitted quietly, his focus on me. He paused, but I could feel his heart pounding in his chest, anxiety not at all quieted. Distraction and sex did not mesh all that well with Alex. “Maybe I could hold you for a while?” He sucked in air like he couldn’t get enough. He leaned forward, giving me most of his weight, and resting his forehead on my shoulder. He hated admitting he was tired, but I could tell in the way every bone in his body relaxed against me, that he needed sleep.
I pulled the curtains closed and stripped him down to just his boxers and a T-shirt. He shivered despite the room being comfortable. The idea of seeing things we couldn’t was more unsettling than being in an unfamiliar place.
“You like Jet,” I said.
“He’s not here,” Alex replied fast, like it was only common sense that he adore my very alive and moody cat rather than the ghost cat he’d seen wandering the hotel. “I thought maybe the scary stuff would stay at home.”
Only that wasn’t how it worked. Not even for him. He’d seen something in the desert across the world, and it had taken him right from my front yard. I’d been hearing noises in the night for years no matter where I moved, and so I understood. It was a childish hope that the things under our beds weren’t real. Denial was a big part of being human. So was fear.
Having spent a lot of the last two years trying to figure out how to move forward myself, I knew acceptance was the key. Not only of what had happened, but of myself, and how big everything was, unchangeable, even as things shifted all around us.
I opened the comforter I’d brought, the one I made for Alex, a mix of green and brown, not all that unlike camo from a distance. The design was leaves and a few little dragons mixed with some grunge print. We’d been using it nonstop since his return, the only comforter large enough to cover us both. I flung it around my shoulders, and then wrapped myself and it around Alex, curling us up in the bed.
“How about we focus on us?” I prodded him gently, carefully brushing his hair back from his face. It was escaping the ponytail holder, so I tugged it free and set the band aside.
“What if you find me too weird and don’t want to be with me anymore?”
“Because you see ghost cats?”
“And black-eyed children, and djinn, and who knows what.”
Black-eyed children? I would need to prod him about that during daylight hours. My memory pinged back to something I’d seen in a video, but instead of lingering on it, I kissed the tip of his nose. His overthinking mirrored mine a lot of ways. “How about you think of things you’d like to find at the quilt shops tomorrow. I can make you another quilt. We could use another big one. I’ll have to send it off to be long armed again, but we can aim for a king size blanket.”
“I’d like to learn how,” Alex said after a minute. “Seems to calm you.”
“Keeping my hands busy calms me.”
“Sometimes,” Alex said, squinting. He knew it didn’t always help. I quilted when I needed to think, and made costumes when my brain was too loud and needed to be shut up.
“Did the crochet roses help you?”
“A little.” He had grown frustrated with something on the dragon I had yet to figure out, and couldn’t go any further. Right this minute he looked too tired to do much of anything, his breath deepening as sleep tugged him down.
I wondered if I should have made him stay home. Left him with Jet to cat-sit and rest. Was it selfish of me to want him with? To enjoy seeing him find delight in things I normally did? To show him things that brought me happiness and find out he felt the same way? It was an odd emotion, the need to share my enthusiasm with him. I’d never had that before. Tim had no interest in my crafting, neither had either of my parents. The cosplay group was probably the closest thing, only all of our tastes were very different. Most of the group, other than Freya, did not quilt or crochet, they made costumes or apparel. A limited scope to my broad one, which had made me lonely.
“I’m glad you came,” I told Alex quietly.
“Me too.” Alex’s eyes opened and closed a few times, exhaustion forcing his body to relax. “Sorry,” he grumbled. “I don’t know why I’m so tired. If I were more awake, I’d be all over you.”