Page 146 of Manhattan State of Mind

Her blue eyes blaze with resentment.

Panic surges through me as I struggle to maintain my composure. “Stop. Don’t do this on the street. Lucy, I… I love you.” The words tumble out, raw and ragged and desperately sincere.

She throws her arms out wide. “Love me? You’re incapable of loving anyone other than yourself.”

“You’re wrong,” I respond, my breaths coming in harsh bursts. “The only thing I love about myself is my love for you.”

She blinks, taken aback, as I stumble over my words. “I… I mean it. I’ve despised myself for so long. You were the only part of me that felt good.”

“I’m done hearing your lies. How could you trick me? How could you win me back, seduce me, earn my trust when this whole time I already left you once?” she snaps back, her voice choked with anger and pain. Her accusations hammer down on me, relentless.

I lift my hands defensively, shaking my head in desperation. “That wasn’t my intention. The doctors said I should wait. I just wanted you to see who I am now, before all that old stuff came up again.”

Her chest heaves with emotion, her voice rising in anger. “Why the hell would I want to do that? I told myself I wouldn’t go back, and you manipulated me into doing just that. Who does that? How dare you?”

“I’m not the same man, Lucy. I’ve changed. I gave up everything for you—the drugs, the lifestyle. I’m giving up the casinos. I’m ready to start fresh, in New York. All for you.”

It’s true—this isn’t just empty bullshit. For longer than I care to admit, I’ve been questioning the direction of my life. Staring down the barrel at 40, facing my own mortality, I realized I needed meaning in my insane, hedonistic life.

But it wasn’t until I started developing real feelings for Lucy that the stakes became clear. She represented something meaningful, something worth fighting for. But it wasn’t an overnight flip.

Her words, however, cut me off, cold and bitter. “I remember, JP. I remember the night at your stupid party when you treated me like shit and broke my heart, and I remember the night at the Plaza when I gave you my resignation.”

“I screwed up. No excuses. I messed up that night at my apartment. You broke it off with me, you kept going hot and cold. One minute you were in, the next you wanted nothing to do with me. I chose to forget the pain of our fight through pills and coke. But I regret it more than any decision in my life.”

“You didn’t look like you gave a shit. You walked straight past me like I was nobody.”

A bitter truth. “I was high, Lucy. A pitiful excuse, I know. I won’t ever forgive myself for it.”

“How many women did you fuck that night?”

“No,” I fire back, the sting of her accusation hitting hard. “I was in a bad place, yes, but I would never—do you hear me,neverbetray you like that. You have my word. That night, after our argument, it tore me up inside.”

“Words. Just empty words.” She turns away from me.

“They’re not empty, Lucy. I’m leaving Vegas, my past life, everything, for you. I’m working to build a new future with you. I went to rehab, got a sponsor. I’m doing everything I can to become the man you deserve.”

She whirls back around, her face a picture of disbelief. “Bullshit. This was all a lie. We were together, separated, and you kept it from me? I can’t even wrap my head around this.”

“Lucy, you had amnesia. The doctors suggested a slow reintroduction. I wanted you to know the person I’ve become, to understand my growth before confronting my past mistakes. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. I just… I was scared. Please, baby.”

With every word, I feel like I’m stripping my heart of its protective layers, laying it bare on the cold concrete. It’s hers to trample on, to accept, to dismiss.

“Don’tbabyme. You don’t fucking love me.”

“I do. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” My voice drops to a hoarse whisper. “And it wasn’t easy seeing the woman I love forget our past.”

Her lips press together tightly as if she’s afraid to speak.

“Lucy, you’re my catalyst for change. You’re the reason I’ve managed to turn my life around. I don’t give a fuck what any one of the twelve million people who watch that video think. All I care about is you. All I think about is you.”

She retaliates with a push to my chest. “Absolute bullshit. It was all a lie.”

“It was never a lie! My life in Vegas was the lie! The pills, the parties, the drugs, that was the lie! I’m willing to give up everything here. I’ll never enter a casino again in my life if that’s what you want. Just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it. No questions.”

Her hardened facade cracks for a moment. She’s on the verge of tears, her lower lip quivering.

“Do you want me to get on my knees?” I ask in a low voice, a voice I barely recognize as my own, stripped of its command. “Because I will.”