Page 30 of Mail-Order Brides Wishes (Montana Mail-Order Brides #7)

Chapter Seventeen

B ryn couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t swallow. Could not speak. Had she really said Rowena’s name? She knew she had if only because of Flint’s demand to know her last name.

“Bryn?” The harshness of his voice echoed in her head. “What was her last name?”

“Sanderson.” Would he even hear her tortured whisper?

Boots thudded on the floor as he took a step back. He blinked twice then squinted as if he couldn’t focus. Couldn’t believe what he’d heard. “Rowena Sanderson?”

Misery claimed every bit of her body as she nodded.

He stepped back again. “She was your sister?”

What could she do but nod and pray he’d understand?

“You must have known I’d met her when she was out west. And ya didn’t think ta tell me?”

She managed to rock her head back and forth.

“Why? Why did ya think it should be a secret?”

“I was afraid you’d dismiss me if you knew. I wouldn’t measure up. I couldn’t hope to replace her.”

His expression didn’t change. Hard. Cold. Disappointed.

“I know how much you must have loved her. She said you begged her to stay. I thought you’d find me a poor substitute.” Her voice cracked but she forced herself to continue.

She glanced around. Susie was in her room humming as she played with her cat.

“I was also afraid you’d not want Susie when you learned she was Rowena’s.” Or worse, he’d want the child of the woman he loved and endure Bryn solely as a caregiver. But he’d not been like that. She saw it now. It was something she should have acknowledged before.

“I wasn’t looking for a substitute. What I wanted was a woman I could trust.” He stepped past her, grabbed his hat, and opened the door. “The rain has stopped. I’ll ride out to check on the herd.” His last words before the door closed behind him were, “What else are ya not tellin’ me?”

“Flint.” The whispered word would not carry to him. Nor would he see her outstretched hand, begging for understanding.

She collapsed to the nearest chair. She’d made a terrible mistake that could not be corrected by sitting there feeling sorry and regretful.

The kitchen needed to be tidied. And supper planned.

Not until she stood with her hands in dishwater, did she realize that if he’d gone out to the cows he wouldn’t return tonight.

Tears joined the hot water. She’d brought this on herself by not telling him from the start.

But how was it going to end? Would he forgive her? Accept her?

A sob caught in her throat. Her own father had rejected her.

Perhaps that had influenced her decision.

The truth was she feared every man would reject her whether because she didn’t put aside her own dreams for them or simply because she was a woman.

A plain one at that. One who longed for things that had proven over and over to be beyond her grasp.

“I’s hungry.”

Bryn was startled at her niece’s voice. Had she forgotten the child would need to eat?

“Honey, I’ll have our supper ready in a few minutes.” She prepared sandwiches for them both.

“Where’s Unca Flint?”

“Gone to check on the cows.” The words were heavy on her tongue.

“He comin’ back soon?”

Indeed. She wanted an answer to that question as well.

“I suppose it depends on whether or not he has to chase a bunch of cows.” Or if he wants anything more to do with Bryn.

Satisfied with Bryn’s answer, Susie finished her meal and returned to playing with Kitty. She’d learned to drag a length of yarn across the floor. Kitty chased after it, jumping and flopping down when she caught the end. It kept them both amused.

Moving woodenly, her hands and feet functioning on their own, Bryn cleaned the kitchen, played with Susie and Kitty, put Susie to bed, and then returned to the living area where she dropped to the sofa and buried her head in her hands.

Oh, God. I’m so worried. What if Flint decides he doesn’t want me anymore?

What if he sees I don’t measure up to Rowena?

I should have been honest from the start but even though I promised You I’d tell him, I kept putting it off.

I was wrong. So wrong. Forgive me. And Lord, please make it possible for him to forgive me.

She rocked back and forth, shedding tears of sorrow, regret, and a large dose of fear.

In desperation for help, she got Flint’s Bible from the shelf where they kept it.

She stroked her fingers over the cover recalling how they’d spent time together with her reading the scriptures aloud and him listening.

She’d even begun instructing him in reading.

After all, she was a teacher, and he was an eager student.

As a teacher, she’d never before experienced the joy she found in helping him.

A teary smile curved her lips as she acknowledged a large part of the enjoyment came from the way he pulled her close, kept an arm around her shoulders, and kissed her.

Surely, his affection was enough for him to forgive her.

The pages of the Bible opened at Psalm 90.

Flint had been learning to read the first two verses and they worked to commit them to memory.

She read the entire chapter, her heart condemned by the eighth verse just as it had been the very first Sunday.

Her secret sins could not be hidden. Skipping over that verse, she read onward, hungry for encouragement.

She read the second verse of the next chapter and stopped.

“‘I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust.’” The words came in a whisper. “Yes, Lord, I will trust You no matter what happens.”

Her heart was lighter, her resolve strengthened, and she read several more Psalms but returned to the Ninety-first before she went to bed.

And although she lay alone in bed and missed Flint’s presence at her side, and although she might have shed a few tears, she slept much better than she expected to.

Flint pulled off his boots and crawled into his bedroll. He’d helped Jeff pull a calf out of a muddy area. He’d chased the cow and calf toward the herd. When they finished for the day, the herd settled nearby, Joe had served up beans and hard biscuits for supper.

At least the beans were warm. A step up from where he and Jayce had been a few months ago, eating cold beans from a can. But he’d gotten used to meals prepared by Bryn. She was a good cook. He enjoyed her food. And her company.

He’d trusted her. Thought they had something good going on.

It was beyond belief that she was Rowena’s sister.

Susie was Rowena’s daughter. He’d put that part of his life behind him.

Mrs. Murphy had assured him that he got a fresh start in life because of God’s forgiveness.

But how could he forget his past with a constant reminder?

Susie and Bryn. Susie with her sweet acceptance of him. Bryn with her gentle, kind spirit.

His neck cracked with tension, and he shifted in his bedroll looking for a more comfortable position. A moan climbed his throat, and he pressed his fist to his mouth to hold it back. No point in disturbing Joe and Jeff.

Why had Bryn come? Did she think she could take Rowena’s place? What had Rowena told Bryn about him?

He stared at the glowing embers of the fire.

Would morning never come? Would his thoughts ever settle?

He spent the next day riding up and down the hills. Looking for cows. Looking for anything that posed a danger. But he couldn’t outride his thoughts.

That night he returned to the campsite. He was gonna make something besides beans for supper and dug a can of corned beef from the supplies. Added it to a couple of cans of beans and shared it with Joe and Jeff.

Neither of them thanked him. He admitted it wasn’t a whole lot better’n plain beans.

All he had to do to get a decent meal was swallow his pride and ride back home.

That night he decided he would do that in the morning. They were married and they needed to make the best of it.

Having made up his mind, he left at sunup. Took his time considering how he would handle things. Would he expect and accept an apology? Would they continue as before, or would there be a strangeness between them? And why? Why had she done it?

Course he hadn’t told her much about Rowena. It was the past. Almost four years ago now. She’d refused to marry him even when he begged. “It’s the right thing to do,” he’d insisted.

“Flint,” she’d answered, her chin jutted out.

He grinned, thinking Susie had the same way of showing her stubbornness.

Rowena had continued. “You don’t have a home. And even if you did, I’m not interested in living in the west. It’s a nice place to visit but…” Her words had trailed off. Her way of saying he'd need to fill in the details.

Almost four years ago. It was the past. And now the past had come to steal joy from the present.

She’d certainly not wasted any time marrying and having a little one.

Regrets, wishes, and despair jolted ran through his body and he kicked his horse into a gallop. He had to get home and settle things with Bryn.