‘Who cared about the day’s specials? Couldn’t he see we were busy?’
Sorry, Nina. I always use humour in awkward situations.
He took my hand in his. ‘I’m not sure how to feel about all this,’ he admitted. ‘This is not what I expected. I don’t know what to do, to be honest.’
‘It’s okay,’ I said lightly. ‘I get it. You’re not ready. It was just a moment and that’s all right. I’m not asking for anything more.’
‘Nina meant the world to me,’ he said. ‘You know that.’
‘Of course I do.’ I stared over at the photograph, and he followed my gaze.
‘Yes,’ he said, in answer to my unspoken question. ‘That’s her.’
‘She looks lovely,’ I said truthfully. ‘Kind.’
‘She was. I was truly lucky to have such a wonderful wife.’
‘Mm.’ What was I supposed to say to that?
‘But we’re not here to talk about Nina, are we?
’ he asked suddenly. He turned to face me, and I saw his eyes were shining with tears.
‘I’m very confused, Shona,’ he confessed.
‘My feelings for you have come out of nowhere. I didn’t ask for this, and I didn’t want it. But I can’t stop thinking about you.’
‘Well, you’re not the only one who’s confused,’ I told him. ‘After what Luke did, I swore I’d never get involved with any man ever again. Yet I can’t stop thinking about you either.’
He smiled. ‘Really?’
‘I don’t almost-kiss just any bloke, you know.’
‘And I certainly don’t almost-kiss just any woman.’
‘Well then. It must mean something, mustn’t it?’
‘It must. But what?’
‘What would you like it to mean?’ I asked.
I held my breath as he thought about it.
‘There is a part of me that feels nothing but guilt,’ he admitted. ‘But there is another part of me that feels hope, for the first time in so many years.’
‘I get that,’ I said. ‘It’s so hard to get over the loss of someone you loved, whether that person died or walked away from you.
I’m not saying my grief was as great as yours, nor that it’s Luke I was grieving for, but I think I was grieving for what I’d imagined my future would be.
I thought Luke and I would grow old together, you know?
I thought we’d watch our children grow up, and that, one day, we’d be doting grandparents.
I imagined holidays and Christmases, one big happy family.
And he shattered that dream. He walked away and left it in ruins.
Left me in ruins. And it’s taken so, so long to get back to feeling normal again, and not like there was a part of me missing. ’
‘Yes,’ Max said eagerly. ‘That’s it! As if there is a part of me missing.
I come home from work, and I want to tell Nina about my day, the way we used to tell each other.
I want to moan to her about the paperwork and the red tape, and the terrible behaviour of some of the children, and how rude some of the parents can be, and how tiring it is trying to teach German to kids who would rather be playing games on their mobile phones.
’ He sighed. ‘But there is no one there to tell. Just an empty kitchen.’
I nodded, understanding.
‘Christmas morning is pointless,’ he said heavily. ‘Even with Rissa here, it feels wrong. I wait for Nina to sit beside me by the Christmas tree, because how can I open my presents without her? Every birthday, I am aware that I am growing older, and she will be forever in her forties.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said. ‘It must be really hard for you.’
‘It’s been more painful than I could ever have imagined,’ he admitted.
‘I never thought there would be light in the darkness again, but you, Shona, you have made me see the possibilities again. You have made me look to the future and, for the first time, not face it with total dread. As I said, I have hope. Hope that life is worth living again, and maybe I can find happiness with someone new.’
He raised my hand to his lips and kissed it gently.
‘Do you think,’ he said slowly, ‘that you could be patient with me? I know it’s a lot to ask of you, and maybe I have no right to do so.
But this feels so strange to me, you know?
I have been feeling numb for such a long time and these new emotions are difficult for me.
But,’ he added, ‘I am glad of them. I am glad not to be numb any longer. I just have to allow myself to love again, I know that. Can you, Shona? Can you give me some time?’
I leaned forward and softly kissed his lips. ‘As much time as you need,’ I told him.
His eyes searched mine, as if he was checking that I really meant what I’d said.
Then he cupped my face in his hands and returned the kiss.
It was hesitant and shy at first, but then it seemed that frozen heart of his thawed just a little bit more as he allowed himself to experience the flow of emotion and excitement between us.
The kiss grew stronger, and as we finally pulled apart, he gave a little gasp, as if he couldn’t quite believe what had just happened.
But he was smiling, and there was a look in his eyes that made me go all warm and tingly, and convinced me – if I needed any convincing – that I’d wait for him for as long as he needed.
Against all the odds, Max and I had found each other. It was worth waiting for.
Table of Contents
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- Page 40 (Reading here)
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