Page 63 of Love the Way You Lion (Rise of the Resistance #3)

The Storm Begins To Form

DELILAH

M y statement seems to make her uncomfortable, and she pulls away, rising to her feet and holding her hand out. “Do you want to walk the tides with me?”

I nod, letting her pull me to my feet. Holding her hand, I walk down the beach with the surf breaking over our feet.

The sound is soothing and the smells are fantastic, making my senses overload with a peace that doesn’t quite reach my troubled heart.

I don’t know what she’ll decide, and I don’t know what he’ll do when she does, but I’m preparing for a world of hurt for both of us.

I should never have allowed that night to happen; I knew they could not handle being a family in that way.

Their beliefs do not allow for that kind of structure.

It’s my fault for getting him and me into a situation that might break both of our hearts and affect the happiness we’ve had.

Again.

I stay quiet, unable to voice any of this to her for fear of making this whole thing worse .

She whispers, “If he gave up Taurus, I’d have to give you up. It’s the only way it would be fair. But I don’t want to do that.”

That’s what she’s concerned about? Giving up on me, not what it will do to him if he has to do that again?

“He would never ask you to do that. He might not even let you.” I shrug, feeling my inadequacy at explaining how Rafe and I work, what we do for those we love, and how we see the sacrifice. “He’d tell you it is his choice. He’s very stubborn.”

“I’d have to, damn it. I gave up Wilde for him, and I don’t want to give up on you, but I’d have to. My ethos wouldn’t allow that imbalance.”

It’s not fair of her to make me discuss this hypothetical when the possibilities are making my heart crack in half as we speak. It happens every time.

When will I learn?

I can’t let her see, though. I can’t let anyone see me break like that again. “I guess you’d both do what you felt was right.”

Her snort is bitter, and I’m surprised. “I think he’s in love with Taurus. I know he’s out of his mind for him.”

Sighing, I stop walking for a moment, looking out into the sea.

“We’ve not been fortunate in the past with this.

Perhaps I should not have let it get this far.

I don’t know what he’s feeling, but I could find out.

I’ve been trying not to be nosy. To be truthful, he was in love with someone else that he gave up. He’ll live.”

My flippant response doesn’t account for how broken we both are by now. It doesn’t address how hard it is to even let anyone in—much less multiple people—and now the person we did trust might destroy us.

Keeping my face calm and detached, I nod. “You may have a point, but again, it is outside of both of our control. I wasn’t being nasty; it’s the truth. He’s set in his ways, and I know how he is. I’m not being accusatory, only honest.”

“I have to live knowing that if he gives up Taurus, he’s giving up something else he loves. I can’t live like that.”

What in the hell does she want, then?

She’s the one putting us all in this place, and I don’t know what I am supposed to say right now. “I think he’d do it because he loves you. He’d do it because you mean that much. He’d do it because it’s in our nature to be who we are and to do what we do.”

It’s in my nature, too, and I’m feeling like I’m right on the edge of taking the leap.

I can put a stop to this now and walk away.

I can keep this from becoming so intrinsic to our lives that losing it will decimate our identity.

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it. He was, but I don’t know that I am.

She kicks sand across the beach and growls, “This is too damn hard! It’s not supposed to be like this.” Her brow furrows as she looks at me. “You feel distant. You’re upset or hurting or something. I don’t know why.”

It’s because I’m grieving for you already.

I’m grieving what I might not lose today, but I will lose, and it will have nothing to do with anything that I did.

It will have to do with your insecurity and my inability to shoot the hostage.

I give her a sad smile. “I don’t know what to say.

I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing or of hurting someone.

I’m afraid to speak for him, and I’m too scared to speak for myself.

I have to give myself some space to breathe. ”

“I don’t bring people here. I made an error in judgment and brought Wilde here once with the hellhounds. I’ve never even brought Taurus here.” She looks out into the sea as if contemplating that as the wind blows through the palms.

How is that supposed to make this better?

“That humbles me; it does. I don’t want to mess this up, but you have to realize this situation affects me, too.”

“That’s why I come here—not even Taurus can reach me here. There’s no mystical trail to follow like there is in other places. I don’t know why.” She turns back to look at me and sighs. “I didn’t ask you to come because I wanted advice or because I wanted you to fix things.”

“When I need to get lost, I hide in the closet. There are other places I could go, though. I can block everyone; I can cut ties. Maybe not to Taurus anymore, but if I felt motivated enough, it might work. If I wanted it enough, maybe I could.”

“I asked you here because I’m happier when I’m with you.”

But you’re so caught up in ‘does Rafe love one of us more’ that you’ll toss me aside without blinking? Yeah, okay.

I cough so I don’t say my angry thoughts out loud, and then walk over to squeeze her hand as I try not to cry. “Thank you for bringing me. I know you didn’t want me to fix things. You’ve gotta forgive me if it’s my first instinct to help. It’s just how I work.”

My heart aches in my chest as I fight back the emotions swamping me. Can I keep letting her in? Can I continue giving her access to the part of me she’s going to break when she cuts things off out of fairness?

What should I do?

“I think I should have brought someone who was a little easier to get into compromising positions. When I’m here, I don’t mull. Mulling is for that other place. This place is for setting it all aside and being.” She sweeps her arms out, looking around. “Look at it, Del. It’s stunning.”

“It is gorgeous,” I murmur, agreeing with her.

Contrary to her assertion, she started this talk, and she’s not given me a sign that I should feel safe sharing with her.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to have happy naked times when I’m shaking with fear inside, thinking that she’s going to call everything off.

“I’m so peaceful here.” She strips down, gives me a wink and walks out into the crystal blue water, splashing about in the waves for a moment. She looks at me again, holding her hand out. “Are you okay? You’re still mulling and thinking.”

I nod, feeling bad for ruining this for her, but this conversation has killed my joy completely. “Yeah, I might have been the wrong person to bring. I can’t seem to turn it off right now.”

She drops her hand and steps back, her expression sad. “If you want to go...”

“No, no. I’m afraid of being disappointing because I’m not good enough. I love the way the ocean is singing to me and the tides swish and the scent on the air is tickling my nose. But I can’t stop worrying. I’m trying.”

Frustrated, I pull off my clothes and wade into the water. Diving under the waves, I let the silence surround my noisy mind. The singing only gets louder, and I wonder about it for a moment, but let it go to emerge and shake my hair out. “I need to refresh a little, I think.”

“Did that help?”

I close my eyes, shoving all my riotous emotions down, imagining them in my feet. “I feel a little better. I have an itch, but the water helped. ”

“Itchy? Is it sand fleas?” She looks worried, her eyes focusing on my tummy.

“No, something is bothering me; it’s nipping at my consciousness. It happens to me sometimes before big things happen. It should go away. It’s like something’s not right.” I shrug.

She walks out of the water, plopping onto the sand with a miserable expression. “I feel him.”

I blink. “Feel who?”

“I was ignoring it because I wanted to ignore it.”

Frowning, I walk over to stand next to her. “Damn it, I feel nothing. I only feel the itch and, well, nature, because I let it in.”

“I feel him. He’s running.”

I stomp my foot in the sand, irritated beyond telling. “I hate when they do that. I hate when they shut me out, when they run away, and they don’t even try?—”

“No, Del, it’s this place. It’s shielded, so we’re not supposed to feel it. I’m not supposed to feel him; I don’t even feel Taurus. Despite that, I feel Rafe deep inside me, and he’s running.” She lies back on the sand, quiet now.

Thanks for finally telling me, I guess. It’s not like he’s my primary or anything.

Dropping next to her in defeat, I sigh. “I feel everyone and everything unless I shut it out. I even feel when they’re trying to shut me out. It’s a constant low hum in my mind. I can open the door and let some or all of it in when I choose to. I keep many things closed so I don’t get overwhelmed.”

“Here you can open the door, but it won’t get in. ”

“No wonder I feel off. I’m disconnected except for Gaia. She’s never cut off.”

“I feel him.” Her eyes are shadowed with sadness as she looks at me. “I’m sorry. This is my sanctuary. Maybe it wasn’t right to bring you here. You’re not having a good time.”

How am I supposed to when you’ve blasted all the progress everyone made this week away because of your insecurities?

I don’t say that, though; I just shake my head. “That’s my fault. I’ve been letting myself get caught up in things that aren’t my business. I should stop.”

“You mean Rafe and all of this.”

Lying back, I stretch out, shielding my eyes from the sun before mumbling, “If he’s running, that’s his choice. He’ll be back when he needs to be. I’m not worried.”

That’s not true—I’m nervous as hell. However, I was right; I can’t be in the middle. Whatever is going on with her and him is going to end up affecting me, my happiness, and my life. If they can’t work it out, I lose.

I was so stupid to let all this happen so fast, to think something would go my way—our way—so easily. I should have known better than to trust anyone but Taurus. He’s the only one who hasn’t broken me beyond repair in so long that I can’t remember, and I can’t do this with her.

“What does it mean when he runs? I sense turbulence.” She stops, closing her eyes and looking like she’s concentrating. “No focus, only jumbled and confusing emotions.”

Christ, I’m tired of interpreting. Why doesn’t she ask him?

She doesn’t want to know what it means when he runs. The last time was after he gave someone up for Wilde. He runs when he needs distance and time to grieve. It surprised me when he didn’t with Alistair, but since I left so often and he had his studio, perhaps it was a different version of running.

“I guess he’s feeling guilty and confused.

The last time he ran, he went north, where Lily and Mercury live.

He blocked me for three days, and I think it would have gone on longer if one housemate hadn’t caught him sneaking in for some of his things one morning.

It might be easier to track him down this time because I’ve got more juice.

Since I don’t clamp down on my magick, it makes many things now possible, but I also haven’t had his blood for a while. It’s a toss-up.”

That’s all I’m giving her. I shouldn’t have to do this.