Page 7

Chapter 7

Chase

M y heart races as I sit in my truck outside the rink, the engine humming quietly as the weight of my thoughts presses down on me like a heavy fog. Carter should be with me, helping me through my pending panic attack. Instead, he left a note saying he caught an Uber to get in some early practice on the ice.

I still can’t believe it. It’s over.

Blake made it abundantly clear last night. It’s what I get for putting my heart out on the line. Letting myself be vulnerable. A part of me wants to scream at Carter, to hate him for pushing me to do this, but another part, a larger part, is happy he did. I’m free. No longer hiding behind a mask, pretending to be someone I’m not. Now, I can be the real me, the one hundred percent genuine Chase Olsen.

The sharp, icy air of winter nips at the windows, but I don’t make a move to get out. Doing so will only bring me face to face with Blake, and I’m not ready. Not just yet. My hands grip the steering wheel tightly, turning my knuckles white, as my mind churns with emotions that refuse to settle.

Dread curls low in my stomach, a cold knot that seems to tighten the closer it gets to practice time. With each of my teammates I see enter the rink, I know my time of hiding outside is coming to an end. The thought of seeing Blake again, of pretending everything is normal in front of our teammates and I didn’t just have a meltdown in front of them yesterday, makes my chest ache.

I don’t want this—this hollow hole in my heart where hope of us being a couple used to live.

Now, there’s no longer hope, but anger quietly burning beneath the surface. Blake not only cheated on me, but he gave up on us. After all the late nights and whispered promises during Christmas, he’s just going to walk away. No fight. No effort. Questions circle my mind like vultures on dead prey. Why didn’t he even try? Was I not worth it? Were we not worth it? Why did he cheat? Why didn’t he just stay that night and work through it?

Questions I’ll never know the answers to, and I’m not sure I even want to. It’s not like it would make a difference. I love him, but he didn’t love me enough to not cheat. Yeah, I fucked up. I know asking him to keep us a secret was wrong, but I just needed time to come out.

Sadness, sharp and biting, creeps in at the edges, filling the cracks that anger left behind. I love Blake—even if he doesn't love me back like he said he did. What makes me so angry is that I want to fix things, to work through our issues, but Blake doesn’t; he just slammed the metaphorical door in my face. And I hate that I want to lash out, to make him feel the pain that I’m carrying, to show him what it’s like to have your heart ripped to shreds and thrown away as if it doesn’t mean anything. But can I do that?

In just a few minutes, regardless if I’m ready, I’m going to have to get out of this truck and head inside. What am I going to do? What am I going to say? Do I confront him? Stay silent? Act like nothing’s wrong? The very thought of having to decide makes my chest tighten even further, and I gasp, barely able to breathe.

I slam my hands against the steering wheel. “Get it together, Chase,” I mutter.

How am I going to focus on hockey with all of this hanging between us? How am I supposed to skate alongside someone who doesn’t want to fight for me, for us? And worse, how am I supposed to act like I am okay when every fiber of my being is screaming that I’m not?

A banging on the window causes me to jump, letting out a scream to rival any by Jamie Lee Curtis. My hand goes to my chest, trying to hold my heart inside that’s trying to escape as I try to calm my breathing.

“Oh hell, I’m sorry, man!” Max, one of the new defense team members, shouts.

“No problem, just caught me off guard.” I turn off the truck and he steps back so I can open the door.

“Just saw you sitting out here and didn’t know if after…well—”

“My confession yesterday. It’s okay, you can say it. I poured my heart out. I got rejected. I promise it’s not going to affect the team or our chances of winning.” I cut him off, not wanting to listen to a speech about my love life risking our chance at the Frozen Four and taking home the win. Hell, I want it more than anyone.

“No, that’s not it. I want to say I’m proud of you, man. You coming out in front of the team inspired me. I’m bisexual. I’ve been hiding from everyone but my family since coming here. I don’t know why, other than back home, the teams I played on were definitely against any non straight players. If you wanted to play, then you better love pussy or else they forced you out.”

Max’s words hang in the air, and for a moment, I’m stunned. I blink, unsure if I heard him correctly. The frigid air feels heavier with the weight of his confession.

“You…” My voice trails off as I try to process not only what he said, but what to say. Is he serious or fucking with me? My lips part slightly in disbelief. “Wait. Are you serious?”

He nods, a nervous smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as his hands fidget with the strap of his gym bag. His eyes dart around before dropping to the ground, never once landing on me, as though he’s not quite ready to meet my gaze, but there’s a glimmer of pride in his expression—like saying it aloud has lifted a massive weight from his shoulders. I just hope my hesitant response doesn’t dampen his pride or push him back into the closet. I want to kick myself for doing the same thing to him that I was basically asking Blake to do. Hide.

“You’re... bisexual?” I repeat, more for confirmation than anything. My head tilts slightly as I study his face, searching for any hint that he might be joking, but all I see is sincerity—and maybe a bit of fear. He’s telling the truth. God, I feel like a douche.

Max nods again, this time with more conviction. “Yeah. Like I said, it’s been something I’ve been thinking about doing, but was unsure. But seeing you do it, seeing how strong you were, it gave me the courage. This team is different from any I’ve ever been on. I saw how they were with Blake, but I thought it might just have been a fluke with him. But then you came out, and nothing changed. I saw it as a sign. This is home.”

A rush of emotions floods through me—pride, gratitude, even a bit of disbelief that I could have that kind of impact on someone. “I—I don’t even know what to say,” I admit, shaking my head, a small laugh escaping my lips. “I mean, wow. That’s… that’s huge. I’ve never been a role model for someone. It’s kind of nice.”

“I just want to thank you. I was hoping that maybe if it’s okay, we can be more than just teammates.”

My eyes immediately go wide and my pulse raises. Is he wanting to date?

“Whoa. You’re a hot guy. Seriously, a smoke show, and if given the chance, I’d love to take you on a date, but I know you and Blake have some unresolved issues. I was hoping we could be friends, confidants. You know, since we’re both newly out, we could learn to navigate this new world together.” Max lets out a laugh that turns infectious as I join in with him.

“Yeah, I’d like that. I’m sorry if my reaction offended you, but you’re right, my love life is still a little tender. It’s not just Blake that’s the raw spot, but someone else resurfaced who’s just as much of an unknown.”

Ginny is most definitely that. I searched the web on her last night and the asshole that was with her, Antony Gracelli. They’ve been skating together for a long time and are projected to go to the Olympics. There were some news articles that stated she was looking to leave skating but then others said those were all a publicity stunt to garner publicity. The one thing I didn’t find was any mention of them being romantically linked. That was a good thing. But it still doesn’t explain why she left without a word.

“Wow. Okay, how about dinner, and you can spill your guts? Then we can work on you moving on and me finding a man. Or we can just make Blake jealous.” He gives me a devilish wink.

“Why do I have a gut feeling you’re the person I’m using to make him jealous?”

“Well, I am a good-looking dude.” Max holds his hands in the air and does a spin. “And other than him, you, and me, I don’t know any other bisexual men here on campus.”

“True, either we’re clueless, they’re hiding, or we’re a minority.” I can’t help but laugh as I open the back door and take out my gym bag and stick. “Guess we should head inside. I can’t hide from Blake forever.”

“Hey, it’s going to be okay, Chase. You got me. I can be your new bestie, your fake boyfriend, whatever. In return, you can go out with me to the club and be my wingman. We just need to make it through practice because I really can’t wait to hear the story about this other person who caught your heart. You never peg the quiet ones to be the players.”

I can’t help but shake my head at him as I shut the door and lock my truck. Sighing heavily, I head toward the rink. each step, the knot in my stomach tightens as my emotions threaten to spill over. I swallow them down, forcing myself to move forward, even as my heart threatens to stay behind.

I can do this.