Page 43

Madison

“You haven’t been yourself lately,” Dad says.

I’ve been dragging my feet for hours to leave, yet I can’t bring myself to get out of the house.

Lounging in the den has been a more pleasant alternative, accompanied by a big mug of cinnamon tea.

I think I like autumn most among the seasons.

Tea, spices, roasted hazelnuts and chestnuts, pumpkin pie and every other flavor that makes this time of the year so wonderful to look forward to.

The shades of amber and ruby spattered through the trees until they’re left naked and awaiting the snows of winter.

The cold mornings and crisp afternoons. The rabid reds of sunset. Yes, it’s my favorite time of the year.

But Dad is on to something. “Maddie?”

“Hm?” I quickly realize I didn’t even acknowledge him, let alone his remark. He’s been standing beside my chair for a minute, maybe longer. “Sorry, Dad. My mind was elsewhere.”

“Yeah, I can imagine. But as I was saying, you haven’t been yourself, lately.”

“What makes you say that?”

He shrugs slightly. “I know we don’t make a habit of keeping secrets, and I know I’ve told you more than once that you can always come talk to me if you want.

I also understand that you might not feel comfortable sharing some things with me.

It’s a decision I respect; but Maddie, this past year has changed you, and I fear it’s only gotten worse since you started college. ”

“Dad…”

“No, I get it, you don’t want to tell me—”

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” I interject, setting my mug on the windowsill. “It’s complicated, Dad. There are things I simply can’t share with you, for your own safety.”

Well, that gets an expected frown. “My own safety? Maddie, are you involved in something illegal or dangerous?”

“Dad, no. It’s… if I ask you to trust me, will that do anything?”

“Not much, at this point. I’m worried about you, Maddie.”

And there it is again. This concern etched deep between his eyebrows as he quietly studies my face, searching for signs of distress, for truths I would otherwise keep to myself and maybe even carry with me to the grave.

I love him more than anything in this world because of how he is.

This sweet and creative nerdy guy who would give his own right arm to not have to whip out his dark side, even to protect me.

Because there is a dark side, and I have seen it once, as a kid.

He would never forgive himself if he had to go down that road again.

I won’t be the one who sets him on it—not if I can possibly avoid it. “I’ll be okay, daddy,” I tell him. “I promise.”

Once I got myself back to Ithaca, the week passed in the blink of an eye.

I don’t know if this is dissociation, or simply a heady sort of vertigo brought on by releasing the weight of Julian’s secret.

Holding in what he did to me for so long was slowly poisoning me.

I might never get the closure I want, and Julian might never get what he deserves; but at least I can breathe now.

I’m glad Rhue and Laura know. Steve too, I guess, though he sort of seems like an extension of Laura to me.

Rhue hasn’t said anything to me since we’ve been back at school, but that’s understandable.

He was sort of blindsided by the horror of his father.

It kind of sucks—but it’s still better than having him screw with me all the time.

Laura’s been texting me every day. Sometimes we talk about Julian and her mother, but mostly we just—talk. It helps.

Being back in school helps, too. To be away from where it all happened, so far from Julian’s threatening aura—and actual threats. I’ve broken his rule twice now—I've told people what he did to me. He told me he’d destroy me and my father if I ever did that. Maybe I should be more worried.

But not today.

Tomorrow, perhaps; but today I’m fine, and I intend to stay that way.

With a bag full of books on my shoulder, I make my way toward one of the auditorium halls, where a lecture on Native American customs along the Western seaboard will soon take place.

One of my favorite scholars will be lecturing, and I feel good about the future for once.

“Hey, Madison!” Cameron calls out. I stop and turn around, a rock in the middle of the stream of students moving past me.

Cameron is all smiles. He’s been like this since the hazing ritual, though he and Lindsey have kept their relationship out of the public eye.

I’m surprised Mackenzie hasn’t outed them yet, but maybe that’s coming soon.

She’s a bit of a sociopath, I’ve learned—not that it’s necessarily a bad thing.

“Lecture doesn’t start for another ten minutes. ”

“I was hoping to get one of the good seats,” I reply with a grin.

Somewhere behind him, Lindsey and Rita have joined the river, flowing slowly but surely toward us. Lindsey’s eyes light up like sapphires when she sees Cameron—he’s pretty tall and easy to spot, even in the middle of a crowd.

“Oh, these people have no idea which ones are the real good seats, don’t worry. I’ll take you to my side of the auditorium, where you get the perfect view, the right angle, and the optimum dispersal of sound so nothing is missed during the lecture. Trust me.”

“I actually do,” I tell him.

“Hey, you!” Rita reaches us first, with Lindsey mere feet behind her. “Ready for Professor Farnsworth? I’m so freaking stoked that we get him today.”

“Glad I’m not the only one geeking out about him,” I reply with a giggle.

Lindsey gives Cameron a playful nudge. “Absolutely not,” she says. “Rita and I agree that Farnsworth teaching here is pretty much the best part of the year. I only hope we’ll see him again next semester.”

“Or even next year,” Rita adds, nodding in agreement. “If we get Farnsworth even once a year, I’ll be happy.” She pauses to look at Cameron with a raised eyebrow, then back at Lindsey. “You two are still keeping it on the down low, then?”

It gets awkward, fast. Instinctively, Lindsey puts another foot between her and Cameron. He looks mildly annoyed, but not really surprised. My guess is he hears this at least once a day. Rita isn’t the type to let it go easily.

“I told you, it’s my decision,” Lindsey replies hotly.

Cameron gives her an amused sideways glance.

He doesn’t seem to mind. There is love brewing in his eyes, flakes of gold swirling whenever he looks at Lindsey.

She softens like molten honey, too, as soon as she’s near him.

I like that about her, that she wears her emotions on her sleeve yet manages to take a logical approach toward her relationship.

Lindsey doesn’t want to rush things, and Cameron seems very much okay with that.

“In your own time,” he mutters, offering a reassuring smile.

Rita rolls her eyes in response. “I was never into this secret affair crap. It’s not like either of you has anything to hide.”

“It’s not about that,” I tell her, knowing exactly why Lindsey prefers romantic privacy. “She just wants Cameron all to herself without anyone peeking into their bedroom, so to speak.”

“Exactly,” Lindsey replies. “When people know you’re in a relationship, they sort of have extra eyes on you.

It’s like they’re waiting to see how long you’re going to last. I’m sure it’s different once we take another step deeper into adulthood, but college people are like that.

Nosy. Curious. Judgmental as fuck. We don’t need that, do we? ”

Cameron shakes his head, trying not to laugh. “No, ma’am, we do not.”

“Hello, spuds!” Mackenzie’s voice booms through the thinning stream of people.

I guess she’s adopted a Goth style now. It doesn’t look bad, but I admit I liked her better as the preppy and slightly spunky hot chick.

Mackenzie’s black hair is combed into a single ponytail at the top of her head, with bright purple streaks glistening through, and she’s wearing perfectly straight bangs that cover her forehead.

The iridescent violet contacts make it hard for me to focus on her pale and beautiful face, lips almost black and shimmering.

There’s a lot to take in, but Mackenzie is in no rush to leave, anyway. I haven’t seen her since the hazing weekend—she’s been away, and I’m starting to sense that this new look might’ve had something to do with it.

“Hey, Mack,” I say, smiling. “How’ve you been? We’ve missed you in class.”

“That’s bullshit, but nice of you to say so,” Mackenzie replies with a tired scoff.

Damn, she’s adopted the Goth attitude, too.

It’ll make conversations infinitely more awkward from now on, but what I’m seeing in her now is something I have noticed in myself before.

Something happened. Something she’s working hard to hide behind this dramatic facade.

“I see you two are still banging,” she tells Cameron and gives Lindsey a wry smile. “I should’ve taken photos that night at the cabin, but the lighting was terrible. All I could see was a pair of white ass cheeks flexing.”

Lindsey’s face turns red, while Cameron exhales sharply.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Rita admonishes Mackenzie, then hooks her arm around Lindsey’s and drags her away. Cameron stays with them, giving me a quick glance before the three of them disappear inside the auditorium with the last of the students.

“A lot, but there’s no point since the bitch just walked away without waiting for an answer.” Mackenzie chuckles bitterly and shakes her head.

“Something on your mind, Mackenzie?” I ask hesitantly.

She gives me a cutting look up and down, then rolls her eyes. Effectively dismissing me, she saunters away.