Page 12

I shrug, trying not to get excited because yeah, it might not be going well, but it doesn’t mean Jaxon will come back to me.

Brynn leaves with Inez, and Callie and I stand in front of the arena waiting for our Uber. The crowd disperses, voices and footsteps mixing with traffic and rain.

“What did you think of her?” I ask Callie as she scrolls through the million pics she took of the hockey player who winked at her.

“She’s nice-ish.” She looks up and tucks her dark hair behind her ear, raindrops making it curl slightly.

At some point tonight, she bought a Kraken jersey and now she’s wearing it. It looks like a nightgown on her, the blue fabric practically glowing under the streetlights.

“But she’s not you,” she adds.

“What do you mean?” I point at her jersey. “When did you get that?”

She looks down and smiles. “When you were busy watching Inez’s every move.”

“I was not.” I groan. “But what do you mean she’s not me?”

“Well, you’re fun, you know. Sarcastic, like, I don’t know. You’re fun. She seemed uncomfortable being around us.”

“Yeah.” I shake my head, laughing. “Might’ve been because you were asking her all kinds of shit.”

Her brow squishes and she looks offended. “I was trying to get details for you.”

I glance up at the street when my phone dings with the Uber notification. “Yeah? What did you find out?” I grab her hand. “Uber is here.”

She walks with me, our shoes splashing through puddles. “He hasn’t texted her all day, and they went to Gas Works Park, and he barely said anything to her that night. She said he was looking at his phone all night, checking the score of a game.”

“When?”

“I don’t know. I think a few nights ago.”

Okay, well, that’s interesting. Guess who was playing two nights ago in Clearwater?

Yeah, meeee.

My heart starts beating louder. I think about our summer runs through Gas Works Park and Jaxon running behind me because he wanted to watch my booty, as he said.

I saw Inez tonight. Ain’t no way he’s watching her booty. She’s flat as fuck on the top and bottom, if you know what I mean.

“She’s awkward in class too. She, like, never talks to anyone.”

“Unlike you,” I tease. Callie is a social butterfly; she can’t go even five minutes without talking.

“Don’t be mad,” Callie says as we’re walking to the Uber, arms locked together.

“What now? I’m not letting you go home with a hockey player.”

“Uh, it’s not that. I kinda said some shit to Jaxon.”

“Callie!” I shove her shoulder and she slips off the sidewalk and into the street, water splashing up her legs. “Damn you. I told you to stay out of it.”

She steps back onto the sidewalk with me, only to trip over a crack and practically faceplant into a stop sign. Sometimes it’s hard to believe she’s a point guard on the basketball team with her lack of coordination while walking. “I know,” she argues. “But I can’t stand seeing you so sad.”

“What did he say?”

“Hear me out. He knows he’s hurting you and he’s not trying to. He doesn’t want to but he also doesn’t know what to do. Maybe that’s why it’s not going well with Inez? Maybe he realized he doesn’t want to let you go?”

I don’t think he does want to let me go.

I knew Jaxon never meant to hurt me by dating or talking to other girls. We had the same conversation all summer, yet nothing changed. Until now. Until he decided to actually try dating someone else.

Do I hate Jaxon?

No. I don’t think I could ever hate him. Believe me, I tried after the World Series. I wanted to blame him for what happened, but I couldn’t.

Am I disappointed in how things played out?

Yes. I am.

I wish he’d been honest from the beginning when he started to lose feelings, or was questioning our relationship.

I wish he would have chosen me, but he didn’t, and that’s reality.

It doesn't mean I’m not good enough, even though it feels that way.

He chose something else for himself and I can’t fault him for that.

“Why do you think he likes her?” I ask Callie when we’re inside the Uber, the brake lights from the cars in front of us glowing red on her face, casting shadows that make her look older than nineteen.

“I don’t know. I can’t tell.”

I can’t either. After meeting her, I’m even more confused. It’s so bizarre. Jaxon is athletic, loves sports, working out, lively when he wants to be, but I guess in some ways I see it because there’s a side to Jaxon most don’t see. The quiet, intellectual side, his love of abstract art.

Maybe that’s what they have in common. I don’t know, and trying to figure it out only confuses me more.

As we sit in traffic, inching forward once a minute, Callie chats with the Uber driver and I stare down at my phone. I want to text him. I want him to text me. I miss him so much my stomach literally hurts at the thought of him.

Tucking my phone inside my hoodie pocket, I stare out the window as hordes of people walk through an intersection, umbrellas bobbing like black bubbles under the streetlights.

The Uber driver drops us off in front of our dorm, but we still have a few blocks to walk. Seattle has a high crime rate—even on campus. Which is why Callie holds her pepper spray like she’s about to torch anyone who tries to talk to us.

She has before. Warning: don’t approach her after dark.

We’re at the doors when my phone vibrates in my pocket. Thinking it’s Brynn, I check my screen and it’s not her.

Jaxon

Yo how’s softball going??

I nearly drop my phone. “Holy shit.”

“What?” Callie whips her pepper spray around, ready to fire. The neon lights from Dick’s Drive-In across the street cast an orange glow through our window, making her look ready for battle.

“Don’t spray me.” I push her hand down. “It’s a text.”

“Oh.” She giggles and lowers her hand. “Did the hockey guy text you and ask for my number?”

“How the fuck would he have gotten my number?”

“I don’t know.” She pulls open the dorm door, grunting because it sticks every time, swollen from Seattle's constant rain. “Who was it?”

I blink, my heart doing that stupid flutter thing. “Jaxon.”

“What?” she screams, then slaps her hand over her mouth. “Oh my God, are you for real?” Before I can show her, she snatches my phone. “What’d he say?”

I don’t have to tell her because she’s staring at it. “Do you think he texted her?”

Callie’s wide eyes slide to mine. “Ask Brynn!”

“Oh, yeah. Good idea.”

Camdyn

Hush, hush on this

Did Jax text her yet??

Brynn

Lemme ask

Nah he didn't

Did he text you??

“Callie! He didn’t text her.” My voice comes out squeaky, bouncing off the cinderblock walls. I can barely control my excitement and the pounding in my chest. I know I shouldn’t be excited over a simple text, but I am because I know Jaxon and one text means he’s missing me.

We both stop at the elevator and stare at each other. “Gurrrrrl.”

“Should I reply?”

“No… uh, wait. Yes? But like, wait about seventeen minutes.”

“Wait.” I step inside the elevator with her and lean back against the wall, catching my reflection in the brushed steel. My cheeks are flushed pink. “Why seventeen?”

“Well, it says I want to hear from you, but not enough I’ma reply right away.”

“Oh, yeah.” The elevator dings and we step out onto our floor. “Good idea.”

There’s a party going on two doors down. The bass pounds through the thin walls. A group of girls walk past, heels clicking, perfume trailing behind them. The mix of excitement and anxiety makes my stomach twist in knots.

Callie disappears into the bathroom to do her nightly skincare routine and watch GRWM videos on TikTok. If you don’t know what those are, are you even on social media?

It doesn’t matter. Jaxon texted me. Focus. I’m freaking out and need help. What do you think it means? He’s still secretly in love with me? He finds her boring and misses my funness? Is that even a word?

I don’t know. I don’t think it is. But what I do know is the world grows silent.

The only sound is my breathing and the beat of my heart as I stare down at the message.

Through our eighth-floor window, I see the Space Needle glowing against the night sky, its white lights piercing the drizzle.

Below, the cherry trees lining the quad are still hanging onto their last few blossoms, pink petals scattered across the wet sidewalks.

Do I make it seventeen minutes?

Nah. I wait thirteen. So hello, sister, run for me with some patience. But how should I reply? Keep it simple? Dry? Be nice?

I don’t know because I don’t want to be a bitch, but I also don’t want to seem too eager to talk to him after two weeks of nothing. My fingers are trembling so bad I have to delete and retype three times.

Seriously. Make my brain stop.

Don’t be dry though. I finally reply with:

Camdyn

heyy it’s good

Oh my God, why are my hands shaking so bad? I can barely press the send button, let alone wait to see if he’s going to reply. I glance at the time. It’s 10:33 p.m. The red numbers of my alarm clock pulse in the dark, matching rhythm with my racing heart.

He starts to reply almost immediately.

When the bubbles appear, I picture him lying in his dorm bed, phone in hand, staring at the screen like I am. He’s probably wearing shorts, no shirt, one leg bent, curtains open. He never closes them. The city lights relax him late at night.

Sitting up, I do the same, and look out the window toward his dorms across the quad. The rain picks up, streaking the glass with the glow of passing headlights. If I count up, I can see his floor but not his room. It faces the other way, toward Union Bay.

My phone vibrates and I draw in a deep breath before I look at it. I smile—his contact in my phone still has the same picture from when we were thirteen. Him with a baseball hat, hood up, glaring at me for telling him I wouldn’t bring him a cookie the next day.

As I stare at his name and the words that follow, my heart is beating so fast, like a thousand butterflies are inside it and my throat is tight. It’s like those adrenaline rushes I get when I’m pitching, when the crowd goes silent and all I can hear is my own breathing.

Jaxon

Nicee

saw ya went 8 for 10 in clearwater

and 14ks damnn

yk my stats??

He knew my stats? Oh, yeah. The game he watched while he was with Inez. A siren wails somewhere on campus, and I press my forehead against the cool glass, trying to calm my pulse. The reflection of my phone screen creates a blue glow against the raindrops.

Holy shit. Okay, don't panic. We’re fine. Everything’s fine.

ofc i dooo

See? This is why I can’t move on from this charming bastard.

I grip my phone tighter, the case making a slight cracking sound under the pressure.

“Stop being so cute,” I whisper, hoping not to wake Callie.

Oh, yeah. She came out of the bathroom, got in bed, and is now sound asleep.

Girl can crawl into bed and be out within minutes.

The gentle whir of her white noise machine almost drowns out the faint bass still thumping from the party down the hall.

The bubbles disappear and I frown. “No. Don’t stop!” My breath fogs a small circle on the window.

Within seconds, they reappear. Yesssss.

Girl ya got robbed in the gm against LSU

That shoulda been a homer

Ikr

I was so mad

Frr

I clear my throat, draw in a deep breath and sit up straighter against my purple UW throw pillow. The dorm feels too small suddenly, like it’s shrinking with each message.

I saw ya hit a tank in the top of 3 against long beach

Hmmm

yk my stats??

Nah

Not rlly

ESPN highlights

Dangg??

Got a little excited there

I’m smiling. Are you? I bet you are because this is cute as fuck, isn’t it? Okay, okay. Calm down. Let’s be cool. I slap my hand over my mouth to try and stop the smile. It doesn’t work. My cheeks actually hurt.

For what??

That ya haven’t forgot meee

I’d never forget ya

Oh fuck. I shouldn’t have said that. Damn it. Quick, say something else to distract him. Say something else. My heart’s doing that weird flippy thing.

I type another message and my thumb hovers over the send button.

Callie wants to knock up a hockey player

I press send.

Wait, what?

She said she wanted a hockey player to have her babies

clearly she doesn’t understand how it works

I don’t doubt she said that

She’s tryna to tell me Canada is way more advanced than us

cuz they in another time zone

Bro she legit thinks it be august in Australia cuz it’s summer rn

Idk how she gets straight A’s

It’s a mystery

frr

Shit. The bubbles stopped.

Fuck. Was I too dry? He’s not typing. Now what?

Do I say something else? Also, what does this mean?

If he’s not texting her, does that mean they’re not talking anymore?

The rain picks up, drumming harder against the window.

A flash of lightning illuminates the Olympic Mountains for a second before darkness takes over again.

I want to make my brain stop but I can’t. This is who I am. I overthink everything to the point my head feels like it might explode. My reflection stares back at me from the window—messy bun, oversized T-shirt, probably too many feelings written all over my face.

Well ima get some sleep

okkk

Goodnighttt

goodnightt

There. I added one less “t” than he did because I don’t want to seem too eager. He’s in love with me. You can’t tell me different.

I scroll back through our messages and smile. I need to make myself some rules so I don’t fall back into whatever I did over the summer. I can’t let my feelings get out of hand again and hold out hope this texting means anything.

I flop back onto my bed, staring up at the glow-in-the-dark stars Callie insisted we stick on our ceiling. They’re slightly crooked, like my heart right now.

You know in baseball when you barely nick the ball and it goes straight into the catcher’s glove? They call it a foul tip. It’s not a full-on miss, but it’s not a real hit either. The play keeps going, but you’re still at the plate. That’s kind of how it feels with Jaxon right now.

We’re not together, but it’s not silence either. It’s a tiny connection, and honestly, it gives me hope. I can’t help but think maybe it means something, like I’m still in the game, still got a shot.

I’m hanging on, hoping the next pitch is the one I can connect with. For now, I’m glad he’s talking to me again. It’s not everything, but it’s enough to keep me standing here, waiting to see what happens next.

So here we go. First rule: No more fucking feelings. Boom. Problem solved.

Honestly, that should be the only rule, but more are probably going to be added soon.