Page 37

After another uncomfortable night with Zane, with him refusing to speak to her and a long chilly day and night of marching, they entered a nice, wooded area. From the way the sky appeared, it wasn’t too long before dawn.

Her mind kept circling, trying to figure out how she felt about Zane. How she could reconcile her new existence while somehow keeping her promise to her brother. Had she only developed feelings for Zane because she was one of his horde? That didn’t seem right. After all, none of the other members seemed to get doe-eyed over their king.

She was now an enemy to humans, and although she didn’t want to see them eradicated from the planet, she understood that they would never accept her again. Honestly, they hadn’t really accepted her before. If she met them now, it would be identical to what happened in the city, even though that situation didn’t make sense at the time. They would shoot first and ask questions later. They’d never see her as anything but an undead.

Brie barked orders at the horde and set up a perimeter. Renee was familiar with, and understood, how things ran when they set up camp. Not a human base, but it had some similarities with perimeters, guards, and a central social location - something that somewhat resembled a gathering of friends.

It hadn’t occurred to Renee what a massive undertaking effectively moving this many bodies was, probably since she had been kept away, when they set up camp. Now that she knew, or at least recognized, the chosen, she understood the responsibility they bore for the horde. Although Brie was giving orders, many of the chosen had already started their tasks, and those in the horde who seemed confused or lost, received guidance from one of the chosen. Zane’s horde worked like a well-oiled machine. If the humans witnessed this, they’d shit their pants where they stood.

Renee tried to be helpful but wasn’t sure what to do. Hatchet was kind and let her tag along to gather wood. Although Hatchet was annoyed when Renee paused to say “hi” to Garren who was working with the other guards to establish the camps’ boundary.

“Sorry,” Renee mumbled when she returned to Hatchet’s side.

Hatchet chuckled. “I called it before, you’re friendly. It’ll take the others some time to get used to it.”

“I’ll try to be better about it,” Renee vowed and shifted position to cradle the wood better.

Hatchet lifted the wood from Renee’s arms. “You don’t need to be better. Just don’t forget what we are.”

“Zombies?” It was hard for her to get the word out because she wasn’t sure if it was offensive to them or not.

“Monsters. We can play nice, but we are what we are. Our king, as you like to call him, is the worst one since he controls all of us.” Hatchet frowned at her own words.

Renee’s stomach twisted. She wanted to disagree but couldn’t, unless it involved her. He was a monster. Cold and without remorse.

Hatchet studied her for a moment. “Although you’re different.”

Her heart sped up as her hands got clammy. “No, not really.” Unsure why, but she was fairly certain, if the horde viewed her as different, it would make things more dangerous.

“You definitely are, in a good way.” Hatchet’s eyes glanced at the old cabin. “I hope you don’t change.”

“Seeing as I’ll be a good influence?” Renee said with a grin, trying to lighten the mood.

Hatchet laughed and smacked her on the shoulder. Ouch. She was really strong.

“Mace will love that!” Hatchet said through her laughter.

“Hatchet.” Brie’s tone was irritated.

Hatchet stopped and wiped the smile from her face. The two women stared at each other long enough that it made Renee uneasy. She wasn’t sure why Brie didn’t like Hatchet being friendly towards her, but she’d considered it progress until the moment Brie interrupted.

“Are you done?” Brie asked and rested one of her hands on her hip.

“No, we need more wood.”

“Then go get it.” Brie’s tone was strange again. It sounded cold like it had when Renee had first met her months ago.

Hatchet handed Brie the wood and glanced at Renee before she stomped off without another word. Brie took the timber and dumped it into a pile where other chosen were starting fires.

“Come on,” Brie said and tugged on her arm.

“Why can’t I talk to the others?”

Brie slowed her steps as her eyes darted around. “You can, but not when we set up camp. Too many eyes paying attention to what you do.”

Taking in Brie’s defensive posture and hushed voice, she knew she was acting like this because she was afraid of something. Or someone. Her face held a grim expression as they approached the cabin.

“Do you mean him ?” She whispered.

“Yeah, but…” Brie’s steps were even more sluggish. “There are other… just listen to me, okay?”

Renee breathed in frustration because every time she felt like she’d finally found her bearings in this new life, either Brie or Zane would ruin it with cryptic statements that explained nothing, and they didn’t offer enough for her to figure it out.

“Tomorrow’s the hunt. You should try to take part. With the animals, I mean. Learn how to get food in case you’re in a bind.” Brie said as they stopped in front of the porch that desperately needed repair.

“Yeah… maybe. See you tomorrow,” Renee said as she opened the door to a smaller, rougher cabin than the one from weeks ago. The interior housed only a table, some stools, and random pieces of broken furniture. Part of her was relieved that it didn’t resemble the other cabin; thinking about her time there with Zane gutted her.

Her eyes roved over the sparse accommodations. Damn, she missed beds. Her sleeping bag was on the floor. He always remembered it and ensured it was there when she arrived. She wanted to be near him but went to the sleeping bag and sat. He rested against a wall while staring into space. His sorrow ate at her, consumed her the way the horde consumed every living thing.

“I really miss you.” Her voice trembled as she spoke.

“Why would you say that to me?” The hurt made his voice raw.

“Because it’s the truth. It doesn’t change anything, but it’s true.”

He sighed and rubbed his forehead.

She swallowed. “I can’t figure you out, but I know I’m not right for you. In some ways, you’re too good for me.”

“Too good?” He looked at her like she had two heads.

“Yeah, only with relationship stuff. You’re a total dick otherwise.”

He laughed, a real laugh, and damn, she’d missed it. In the end, he seemed even more miserable.

“Renee, you’ll never stop being too good for me, in all ways.”

His words devastated her because she knew he meant them. She still couldn’t understand how he continued to put her on a pedestal after their arguments, all the times she was so hateful.

“No. I’m hot-tempered and bitchy and say mean things when I shouldn’t. I hurt the only people who’ve been good to me. You said you loved me, and I shit all over it. You keep proving you do, and I keep screwing up.” She wiped her eyes. “I don’t think I understand how to be in a relationship. I’m angry and confused. I don’t want to break up, but I don’t want to keep hurting you, either.”

“Break up?” He shifted and leaned forward.

“Did I mention I’m immature? Apparently, the world ending when I was in high school fucked me up.” She laughed at her own grim humor. She’d always wondered if the world going to shit had somehow frozen her brain and kept her from developing past teenager, even though she was an adult now.

Zane got up and perched beside her on the sleeping bag. He brushed the hair off her neck. “You think there’s hope? That we’re together?”

“Well, no. You kinda dumped me the other night. I figured that much out. I get you were doing it because I said I didn’t want to be around you anymore, but I was overreacting and-”

His lips silenced her words when they covered hers, making her dizzy. Her arms wrapped around his neck and touched his soft hair. Zane kissed her like he was in pieces, and she was the only thing that held him together. His kiss was usually gentle, but this one was desperate, fierce, and all-consuming. It was like he was trying to crawl inside her or pull her into himself.

“Stay with me,” he said against her mouth.

“I did. I am.” She broke their kiss gently. “I am.”

He cupped her face. “There is nothing without you. Nothing. I am nothing.”

“Don’t say that. You’re their king, and that’s important. You protect them, feed them, lead them.”

He averted his eyes. She hoped that if she reminded him how essential he was to the horde’s survival, he would stop feeling that way about himself. Then again, when his expression shifted, and she saw his pinched mouth as he scowled, she realized resentment was the dominating emotion.

“You resent them. Your duty to them, even though you created them.”

Zane said nothing, dropping his hands and refusing to look at her.

“You told me once if I kept my word to you, then you’d give me almost anything I wanted.”

He turned to her with narrowed eyes.

“I can promise to stay now and truly mean it. I’m done running, Zane. From this life, and from you. I can accept it. I accept you.”

Flickers of hope made his face soften. Zane reached for her but swallowed and dropped his hand to his lap. “I don’t think you understand what you’re saying.”

“Maybe not. And I can’t promise I won’t screw up again because I probably will, but I don’t want to lose you. When I-” She paused and drew a breath. “When I killed that woman because she threatened you, I didn’t know what I was then. I only knew she wanted to take you from me, and I wanted to stay with you.”

Renee touched his gorgeous face once again, delighted by the cool smooth skin. Not all zombies were handsome, but Zane… was sheer perfection. “I wanted to stay with the king of the dead even when I thought I was the thing he and all his minions ate for dinner.”

“Do you remember what happened?” he whispered.

“If you mean do I remember when your chosen took a chunk out of me? No. I guess I was unconscious.”

Zane picked up her hand and kissed her fingers before putting it over his heart. “If I had realized how much this would disgust and scare you, I wouldn’t have done this to you. I was selfish.”

“Stop.” She put her fingers over his lips. “I don’t care anymore. I told you I accept this new life. I accept you.”

He closed his eyes and moved her hand away. “I need to tell you something.”

“Okay, but first, I need to ask you to do something for me, for us.”

His eyes popped open. “What?”

“Don’t attack the city.”

Zane pulled back. The soft expression vanished. “What?”

“Please, not that city. We can go somewhere else. Anywhere else.”

“You don’t even know where we’re going.” He narrowed his eyes at her again.

“Well, I don’t know the name, but-”

“Stop. Why are you asking me this? Did Brie say something to you?”

Shit. Shit. She didn’t want Brie to get into trouble. “No, it wasn’t Brie. It’s making the horde nervous and-”

“How would you know that?” His tone was accusing as his face shifted to less Zane and more king, as though he was about to do something horrible.

“Because I’ve been traveling with them for weeks. They don’t want to do it, and they’re just afraid to defy you,” she blurted out because it was true.

Zane stared at her for a long time before he spoke again, “You’re asking me for the good of the horde? Not some personal agenda?”

His words made her pause because they sounded ridiculous. Why would she have a personal agenda? And more than that, even if she did, how would that even work? He was the king, and it had been made abundantly clear that he called the shots, all of them . It didn’t matter who she spoke to, they all had the same mantra over and over. Zane was the king, and he decided everything that happened in the horde. There were no personal agendas allowed.

“Personal agenda? I don’t have a personal agenda. This isn’t about me. This is about them. It’s our job to look out for them, and you’re leading them into danger. If we entered this city, it would kill a lot of them. You’re their king and are supposed to care about them!” Her words tumbled from her lips before she considered what she was saying.

Zane sat back and furrowed his brow. “ Our job to look out for them?”

When Zane repeated her words, she shrank back and felt lightheaded. Shit. Why’d she say that? She was angry he was being so selfish because of her and wanted to hurt others or himself. With little to no experience dealing with someone who had acted like this, she didn’t know what to do.

“Do you want to die, Zane?”

His face became all sharp angles with irritation before it morphed into despair. He turned his head aside. “I already told you I can’t die.”

“Because it won’t let you.”

“Yes.” His jaw worked. So much bitterness in that word.

“But it doesn’t change that maybe-” She swallowed. “You wish you could.”

Zane turned and grabbed her shoulders. “Why would it matter to you?”

“Because I care about you. I care what happens.” Renee wished she was brave enough to tell him she loved him.

“And you care about the horde? Enough to ask me not to take the city?”

“Yes, because they’re yours. We’re all yours.”

Zane let her go. “I don’t want you to be mine because you’re part of the horde.” He stood.

Renee jumped up and yanked him to her when he tried to walk away. “That’s not why I’m yours. And it isn’t because you were a jerk and told me I was.” Her arms slid up around his neck. “I’m yours because you don’t make me do whatever you want. You let me say what I want and act stupid even when it hurts you.”

She brushed her lips against his in a feathery kiss, but he was still hesitant. “I thought maybe I only felt this way about you because I was part of the horde, but it’s not. I’ve been around them, including Brie, for a while now, and it’s different.”

“How is it different?” His glowing irises bored into her, like he was afraid to believe her words.

“It’s different because I’ve never felt this way with anyone. I couldn’t leave you, even if I weren’t dead. How I feel is not about me now being undead or being part of the horde. It’s about you.” She pressed her lips to his, hoping he felt how much she loved him. “It’s you, Zane. I want to be with you .”

She sensed when he stopped fighting his internal struggle, when he gave in to her. To them. His mouth moved over hers and teased her lips open. She moaned into his mouth and leaned into him. God, she’d missed this. Missed him. It was only when they were locked together that things were right.

Not sure when things heated to the point, they were on the floor on top of her sleeping bag, but the next thing she knew, they clawed at each other until they were naked on the dirty floor with him hovering over her.

He broke their kiss and drew a shaky breath. “I can’t do this again. I mean, we can’t.” He stopped.

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t do this. Be with you if you’re going to push me away.” The misery in his eyes tore her open. Eviscerated her.

“I’m sorry.” She drew his mouth to hers. “I’m sorry. I won’t do that again.”

“I don’t trust myself anymore. You’re right.” He breathed out as his jaw ticked.

“I’m right?”

“About the city. About me.” He buried his face in her hair. “I shouldn’t be their leader; except I don’t have a choice.”

“No. That isn’t what I meant. Look at me.”

He raised up on his elbows and peered at her. So much vulnerability played on his features. He was so defeated by his crown, believing he hadn’t made correct choices for the horde when it was evident he had. Perhaps he wasn’t kind, personable, or attentive to anything but their basic needs. However, they were strong because of him, because of his forethought, his strategy, and his planning. Many of them had survived for years and were healthy, well as healthy as zombies could be. They were able to evolve because of him. The tiny part of her humanity that lingered didn’t like he was a decent king because it probably meant doom for any humans who survived.

She refused to let her lingering emotions toward humans dominate her mind. It wasn’t about them; it was about Zane. “Until I showed up, you were a good king. Look at how powerful your army is. It’s me that caused the problems.”

His body tensed against hers. “Don’t say that. You’re the reason I care at all.”

“That’s not true. You took care of them, made them strong.”

“You’ve been talking to Brie too much.” He looked away. “It wasn’t me, not really it was… I wasn’t really me until I saw you.”

“I don’t understand.”

He turned his golden eyes back to her. “You breathed life into me.”

Holy shit. What could she say to that? Again, laying on the fucking ground and swooning.

“We won’t attack the city yet.” He told her resolutely. His expression relaxed, and he kissed her cheek and then her neck before whispering into her ear, “Stop listening to everything Brie tells you.” His playful tone made the butterflies in her stomach flutter and dance.

“Okay, but then you have to explain things to me.”

He gave her a wolfish grin. “Have I explained how I thought about you every night since we were together?”

She laughed. “Pervert.”

“Only for you.” He captured her mouth again.