Page 15

Chapter Fifteen

W e tiptoed around my leaving tonight, spending much of the day in silence. Swimming, lounging and then her hovering while I packed unceremoniously. Neither of us seemed to have any energy left to converse, simply basking in the final hours of being together. I didn’t even have the heart to try and trick her into breaking a rule, the lingering sadness at my departure sapping all of the energy from the house.

We were heading to my parents soon for a final meal before I would drop her back home and hit the road. An ache in my chest everytime I thought about the long stretch of road only adding to the distance between us.

My phone rang from where it rested on my suitcase, piercing the quiet room and Win looked over at it too.

Jay.

“Since when did you video call?” I asked, ignoring the need for a greeting and leaning on the bench.

“Since this little menace,” he turned the screen to show the face of his little sister, Violet, grinning back at me, “Needed to say hello to her favourite Hearts player.” He rolled his eyes and I guffawed at his annoyance. Win stood to come and take a look at the screen, looking at me tenderly before she spotted the little brunette covering my phone.

“Hey, Violet. You giving your brother trouble again?”

Since retiring, Jay was spending even more time with the youngest of the family. Mostly as she was often giving his much older parents a fair amount of grief. But from the stories he told, she was a hilarious handful and exactly like him so he genuinely enjoyed her company.

“He is incredibly annoying, son.” I felt Winter stiffen beside me – son and Summer – the confirmation that those fictitious characters really were based on us warming me.

“son?” I asked Violet.

“This is her new thing. Adding a suffix to all names, regardless of whether it’s yours or not,” he informed me, making both Winter and I laugh.

“This is my friend, Winter,” I spoke to Violet, turning the phone so she could see the breathtaking woman who had my heart.

“Hi Violet.” Winter waved, a genuine smile creasing her face.

“Hello Winterson.” Violet replied seriously and Jay shook his head as Win and I again laughed. The kid was hilarious.

“When are you heading back?” Jay asked, reminding me of my imminent departure and Winter took it as her cue to move back to her seat in the corner of the room.

“Tonight, man. Having dinner with the folks first but I should be home by about Midnight if all goes well.”

If I don’t quit my job and refuse to leave.

“Can we go see son and Winterson tomorrow?” Violet asked and Jay said something I couldn’t quite understand.

“Next time she’s in town I will bring her over,” I said and she nodded happily. “I’ll give you a buzz tomorrow, Jay.”

“All sweet. Safe trip home, yeah? Tell Winterson we said bye.” He added with a humorous tone.

Disconnecting the call I reached for Winter’s hand and pulled her up before engulfing her in a hug.

“I’m going to miss ya, Win.” I said honestly, with a kiss to the top of her head.

“Me too, son.” She mumbled against my chest with a heavy sigh and I chuckled at her use of the name.

“Let’s go eat,” I said, before reaching for the suitcase with a final glance around the house which had brought each of my dreams to life.

“When are you back next?” Mum asked and I looked towards Win as if she might hold the answer.

“Not too sure. Maybe over Easter?”

“Oh, good. We should have the renovations finished by then.” Dad affirmed as we all continued to ignore the sawdust lining his hair after he had commenced yet another letterbox, adding further delays to his indoor restorations.

“Win is going to come help us next week, aren’t you, darling?” Mum said with a warm smile which Winter returned in her direction. I was glad she felt comfortable with my parents, especially when her own were on the other side of the country.

“Sure am. Although I’m not sure I will be much help.”

“Nonsense. You seem to do more of my crosswords than I do these days.”

“What?” I questioned the shock evident in the rising of my voice. “Since when?”

“What is it, Winnie, maybe the last six months or so? Finally discovered she has a knack for it.” He said with a pride he usually reserved for my older sister and I.

“Well, well. You’ve kept that little gem hidden.” I said jokingly to them both.

“I never see you anymore so I had to replace you with your parents. I’m not even sorry.” She said, quick as a whip and my parents both laughed.

“We like having her here. Darcy rarely calls now because she is so busy and you are always with the team. It’s nice to have someone else to chat to, especially while Mike and Deb are gone.” Mum added with sincerity.

“Oh, and what am I, chopped blooming liver?” Dad asked, appearing horrified.

“I love you, Dean, but I couldn’t give a shit about helping you do those crosswords. That’s all I’m saying.” And I chortled at the look of faux annoyance on Dad’s face. Mum was always able to keep him firmly in check.

When I glanced at Winter, she was staring at her plate, a small smile on her features and she remained that way for the rest of dinner. Engaging as needed, just enough so no one would suspect anything was amiss, but I knew what was bothering her. Because I felt it too. The foreboding of a goodbye neither of us was ready to say. She hadn’t broken a rule and I hadn’t tried to make her. Even the idea of me extending my trip was now gone. Why when it would only prolong the inevitable.

After a meal which would leave me fed for days, I joined Dad on the back patio while Mum sat with Winter on the lounges looking at photos of the tandem biking duo.

“You all packed?” Dad asked

“Yeah. Packed before we left. I can’t believe Summer is over, it’s gone so quick.”

“I bet. Time flies when you’re having fun.” I nodded before looking out over the ocean where only a month ago, I’d thrown caution to the wind and had my first taste of Winter.

I leant on the bannister before standing and stretching.

“Six letters. Clue: Having limits.” I groaned, not in the mood for a test.

“I don’t know, Dad, I’m tired.” I wasn’t tired at all. I was sad but I couldn’t tell him that without opening a can of worms I had no energy or time for.

“Humour your old man, would you?” He said.

I kicked a leaf along the ground while I thought about the clue. Six letters. Limits. Boundaries, fences, barricades. My thoughts bouncing through the possibilities.

“Finite,” I answered finally.

“Exactly, Son. Finite.” He slapped my back before turning back towards the oceanic view. “You’re twenty-six next year and absolutely annihilating it on the field. You’re a good kid, always looking after your family. But you’re missing the most important thing,” he said with a shrug. “Love.”

“I don’t need love,” I replied defiantly. “I’m twenty-six for God’s sake, plenty of time for that.”

“I don’t mean it’s missing from your life, , I mean you’re missing that it’s right in front of you.” He gestured a thumb over his shoulder inside to where Mum was likely peppering Winter with one thousand questions about her parents and the bike, Mason, Ethan and baby Amelia. And I knew Win would be there with a smile on her face, answering every single one as if she had nothing better to do, because one of my favourite things about her was the time she gave to those she cared for.

“She only comes around here because of you. You know whenever she stops by, she asks to use the bathroom and every single time, she wanders through your old room. I don’t know what she does in there, your mum and I pretend we don’t notice, but each time she leaves that door is left open because she has gone in to be closer to you. I don’t know much about women, but I do know she has loved you as long as we’ve known her. And if you don’t tell her how you feel, she will eventually settle for someone less. Someone she doesn’t love just so she isn’t alone. Small town life isn’t always easy for someone like Win. She thinks it’s safer, but nothing is as scary as loneliness.”

I couldn’t breathe let alone respond, the words piercing my gut painfully.

Finite. Infinity . That was us.

It wasn’t her with someone else. But Win marrying, loving and touching someone else actually was a possibility I’d never considered with such finality. What would that do to me? Before this trip I could have squashed it down with everything else I refused to admit, but I wasn’t so sure now. Things had changed. Would confessing my feelings to her help or would it only make things worse? Make saying goodbye even harder?

“, love?” Mum said from behind a tremor in her words

“What’s wrong?” I asked, instantly on edge.

“I think I’ve upset Winter. She said she needed some air.”

“What? How?” I said, already walking through the house to the front door. Pausing with my hand on the door I turned back to Mum who looked guilty as shit. “What did you say?”

“I may have told her I was going to set you up with someone.”

“Mum!” I snapped. “Why the fuck would you say that?” I knew I had no right to be upset but things felt so unstable like the tiniest thing could splinter what we had.

“I thought I was helping. You two are as blind as bats. Someone needed to shake things up a little, but I didn’t want to upset her and –” Dad rubbed Mum’s arm reassuringly as I pushed the front door open. I would deal with those two meddling pests later.

For now I needed to find Winter.

I slowed to a walk when I spotted her standing where the tide met the sand. She was looking out at the waves, the subtle breeze causing her hair and the white dress she was wearing to swirl around her delicately. Sporadic drops of rain wetting the sand as she crossed her arms as the wind picked up a little.

There would be a storm tonight. Fitting.

“Hey,” I said cautiously, watching her quickly dry the tears resting on her cheeks.

“Sorry. Just got a bit hot in there.”

“Mum said she upset you.” I wanted her to explain. Confirm my suspicion so I could finally open the bottle and release the pressure sitting on my chest.

“Your mum is the best,” she said, still dabbing at her cheeks with the back of her hand. “It’s nothing. I’m just sad you’re going.” She tried to smile, but it was faint, her tears escaping as her lip trembled.

“Come with me.” I implored, pulling her into my arms. “Not because you broke a rule or I messed up and needed you, but because you want to. Because you can’t bear the thought of being away from me for a week, months, a year.” My plea was pathetic and entirely selfish knowing how difficult she would find navigating somewhere entirely new.

“My whole life is here, ,” she said softly, pulling back.

“What is so important in Willow Bay? Explain it to me because I don’t understand.” My voice was louder than I would like, the unspoken feelings just below the surface.

“Of course you don’t!” She screamed, the careful mask she had maintained all day gone. I’d never seen Win so worked up but I think I needed it. Needed to hear her, raw and unfiltered – all her darkest thoughts laid bare so I could share mine too.

“You’ve never understood, , because you are never here. You got out. You left. And I am so happy for you. Truly. I’ve always been your biggest fan, desperate for you to achieve your goals. But while you do that I am still here. I still see those arseholes who relentlessly made me feel different in the worst of ways. Only now, I don’t have anyone to share it with. Anyone to make up nicknames with, our own form of passive vengeance. Mason left too and Mum tells me all the time how lucky she is that I am close. She means well, but the guilt is stifling. So every time you leave, I’m still here, in this freaking prison and I will be stuck here forever. I will never leave because I am pathetic and stuck and TERRIFIED.” She was screaming loudly now matched only by the occasional bout of thunder and crash of the ocean. Her words assaulted me like a migraine on the brightest of days. The gut-wrenching honesty entwined with the volume of her voice, so uncharacteristically Win it was debilitating to see. The pain and fear so clearly written on her face.

I knew she hated seeing me go but I selfishly had no idea of just what it was doing to her. How she felt trapped in this place rather than comforted.

“But you can leave, Win, that’s the thing.”

“You don’t get it, !”

“Stop telling me I don’t get it!” I spat back, the frustration so thick I could almost taste it. “Do you think it was easy for me to pack up and leave everything I’ve ever known. Everything I loved? Of course not. There were days, hell there still fucking are, where I am so home sick I have to force myself not to call my coach and resign. Because I am lonely in the city. I have amazing friends and teammates and coaches but I don’t have my family and I don’t have you. So stop telling me I don’t get it. You don’t think I worry about you being here. Being in the same place as those pieces of shit who tormented you?” I stepped towards her, lowering my voice and imploring every bit of hope I had left. “I’m sorry, Win. I’m sorry I didn’t know. I knew they were mongrels but honestly, I thought despite that, you loved it here. I didn’t realise it was suffocating you from the inside. But that feeling of entrapment is why I couldn’t stay. It is stifling. And I know the city scares you for so many reasons but it comes with space to breathe. I know it will be hard and your parents will nag you. Your mum will drop the biggest dump of guilt on you but only because she’ll miss you. And some days it will be difficult and maybe overwhelming, but one thing you will never feel is lonely. Because I will be right there with you.”

“I’m scared, ,” she whispered. “I’m scared of feelings I can’t explain. I can’t leave everything I know here only to follow you and watch you in a world I am not a part of. A world where I won’t belong. I’ve lived my entire life fitting nowhere. Always the weird, robotic friend who was in the periphery but belonged with no one.” Her words were like tiny pricks, piercing my skin with sadness.

“Feeling nothing with anyone other than…” With a flick of her wrist she cemented everything I’d only just realised.

The tears fell freely down her face now. “You never made me be anything different than I was. Never pushed me to be more social, more extroverted, more anything. You accepted me and supported me and loved me regardless. But that is not always enough, . This mess is my fault.” She threw her hands out, moving them back and forth between us. “I did this. I ruined us,” she cried. “And now you are leaving and honestly, I don’t think we can be friends anymore. I’m not sure I will survive you leaving over and over because there will be nothing left of me if you do. And I can’t come with you, because I can’t leave this place and we both know that.” Her hand flew over her mouth as a sob wracked her body and I reached for her but she stepped back with a palm pressed out towards me.

She wasn’t ready. Fuck, was I too late. Now I was actually brave enough to finally speak my truth, it was too late.

I’d been unintentionally stripping her bare all of these years. The times my visits were fleeting because staying longer reminded me of everything I wanted but could never have. Of a woman who had one million different nicknames for me, but used them only when we were alone. A woman who was only her true self when it was just the two of us.

Why hadn’t I noticed this before?

“Please,” she whispered. “I won’t be able - I can’t-” She stopped, her shoulders shaking with heavy emotion, her chin on her chest in defeat.

I respected her wishes and didn’t touch her, as desperate as I was to soothe the ache.

Instead, I took the smallest of steps towards her so she could hear my words over the breaking of the waves and the sound of the rain which was gaining traction. I closed my eyes and whispered my secrets.

“Win, being your friend is all I ever wanted, all I ever needed…until I realised it wasn’t enough. Being your friend is a quiet thing. It feels like waiting for a sunrise that will never come, but still loving the night. It feels like the all encompassing comfort brought only from that very first stretch after a full night’s rest. It is unspoken but ubiquitous. It is reliable and comfortable. But at some point that changed and it became loud and messy and all-consuming. Everything you hate, really.” I said, placing the gentlest amount of pressure under her chin until she was looking at me through a sea of tears.

“I have loved hearing about your dreams and your goals, even when I know they’ll never include me the way I wish they would. And I am not sorry for anything we’ve done this summer or anything I’ve said. Because if I was sorry I had spent half my life loving you, I would say it. But Win, I can never be sorry.” Her brows creased, her eyes flickering between my own as she struggled to believe my words.

I ripped my shirt off and threw it onto the sand, pausing for a second as I watched it splash into the water. Tapping my tattoo with my left hand I looked down at the image which reminded me of her every single time I saw it, before glancing back up.

“I got this the day you left Sydney. I needed something on my skin to remind me of your certainty with every single second, minute, hour that passed. Because it was you who made me see the light again. It’s always been you, Winter. You’re my North Star, my compass, my home. You have always been the reason I came back. And I can’t keep leaving you behind because it is destroying me too. So, I am begging you. Please break the rules. Break them for me. Come home with me and we can work the rest out. Once my contract is up I’ll move back here or we can go somewhere else. Anywhere. I don’t care, as long as you are with me. Because I fucking love you, Winter. I loved you when you pretended Summer and son were not us in your fucking story. I loved you when I played for the Collies and we were beaten by ninety points in the pouring rain and you stood on the sidelines the entire game. I loved you when we rode to school and you stood on my pegs, your hands locked to my shoulders out of pure fear.” She huffed a laugh at the memories. “And I loved you when you came to me the second I called when I felt as though my entire world was breaking. I’ve always fucking loved you, Winter, it’s just taken me a long time to realise it’s okay to say aloud.”

I heaved, the weight of the words finally spoken leaving me both intoxicatingly empty and fuelled. Each truth carrying itself on the breeze and floating out to the ocean and up to the stars – the same place we had spent hundreds of nights together.

If we woke up tomorrow, alone, at least we had spoken our truths.

Before I could worry about what she would say or do, she lunged for me, throwing her arms around my neck, her mouth hitting my own in a clash of lips and teeth, her tongue imploring entry to meet my own. With the emotion that can only come on a secluded beach, with the rain pouring down, I kissed her back.

My best-friend. My North Star. My everything .

Her hands were in my hair, shoving my hat off my head so she could tug the strands in a concoction of pleasure and pain. Reaching for the front of her dress, I ripped it open, the sound of buttons popping only adding to the intensity as I stripped it down her body with no care for where it landed. I needed to feel her, take her, claim her with all of the love I’d dared to keep hidden.

Every unspoken word we never shared. Every sordid, secret thought either of us had over the years was in the intensity and carnality of our movements.

She undid my shorts and I stepped out of them with a disbelieving laugh, my briefs cast aside also. A quick glance both ways determined we were still alone as I took her mouth again, unlatching her bra as she stepped out of her own panties. There was no rush yet we were so hurried, achingly desperate for each other despite being together only a few hours earlier.

Our naked bodies writhing, the water from the sky making the sand below firmer, our bodies slipperier as I gently laid her down and moved above her, entering her already wet sex.

Fuck. Being inside her would never be anything less than perfect.

“You are beautiful,” I whispered against her lips.

She was the most angelic woman I’d ever seen and I’d gone far too long without telling her. I wasn’t going to censor my truths any longer. “Perfect. Everything.”

I punctuated each confession with a thrust of my hips and a kiss on her skin. “And you are mine.” I said louder, her fingernails digging into my back as her eyes rolled back with pleasure. She was panting loudly, her moans drifting over the sand and into the night air.

“God, don’t stop, , please don’t stop.” She begged and I hooked an arm under her thigh, hitting her with an angle which sent me a little deeper, pitched us so much closer.

“Mine, Winter. Do you hear me?”

She was nodding, unable to speak, but her easy acquiescence skyrocketed straight to my gut.

“Fuck. This tight little cunt was made for me.” I would never tire of having this woman underneath me, her hair splayed out, her tits bouncing with each meeting of our hips. Grabbing her hands, I held them above her head, cuffing her wrists with one hand and using the other to lift her hips. I pressed my forehead against her own, slick with rain or sweat I wasn’t sure, as I invaded her, claiming her and showing her the intensity of my feelings with every smack of our skin.

“Oh, like that.” She begged before her moans turned into a drawn out groan, her face scrunching as her body began to shake with pleasure. “Your cock feels so good.”

“Oh, fuck,” I groaned, hearing those dirty words from my clean-mouthed girl was my trigger as her pussy clenched and she squeezed every last drop of my cum until we were both gasping in satiated harmony.

I didn’t move off her, my lips leaving no part of her face untouched. I couldn’t bear to ask her what this meant, if this was her agreeing to come with me. The alternative was too painful to consider when we were still entwined as one.

“?” She said, her eyes filling with tears again, her voice hoarse. And without any other words I knew. I knew what she was about to say and I couldn’t bear to hear it. Couldn’t bear to face the prospect of leaving her so instead, I kissed her with every ounce of passion I could muster and at some point, she stopped crying and she kissed me back. Her explanation of why she couldn’t follow me better left unsaid.

At some point late into the night we made it back to her house, some of our clothes lost to the beach where part of my heart would remain. I’d taken her again on the sand with less intensity. Our movements languid. Every touch driven by love. And again once we got back to the house – our bodies saying a goodbye we both knew was imminent. Because she wasn’t going to leave Willow Bay and she didn’t love me back.

There was no denying there were feelings there, but it wasn’t enough to break the barrier which she kept firmly around her heart.

I looked at her sleeping form and I knew I couldn’t say the words. How did I say goodbye to the woman I loved, knowing she loved me, but not enough? And why wasn’t I enough? The sadness was incomprehensible and only going to get worse – that I knew for sure.

And it was with those last thoughts and a soft kiss to her forehead that I slowly hopped out of bed and left.