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He slid his free hand up along Elliott’s neck and jaw, then clamped it tight over his mouth.

The other man gave a muffled cry as he did, seeming even all the more into their lovemaking suddenly.

He arched his spine and tilted his head back until it rested against Niko’s shoulder.

Niko kept a firm grip over his mouth as Elliott bounced up and down against him, impaled, his muted moans still coming more than ever now.

He glanced down and saw in surprise that Elliott was gripping both of Niko’s thighs hard, using them as the base to steady himself as he moved. He was beginning to sweat from the effort, his skin hot to the touch against Niko.

“You like that, babe?” Niko murmured.

A particularly prominent, strangled moan gave him his answer, the vibration of Elliott’s resilient voice rippling gently across the palm of Niko’s hand.

Niko pushed his thumb against the head of Elliott’s cock, massaging it. Then Elliott seized up, back arching further. Niko could see he was gripping his thighs so tightly the skin had turned white where his fingers dug in. Elliott was close now.

He released his grip over Elliott’s mouth and replaced it quickly with a forceful kiss, his own mouth taking up and claiming Elliott’s.

The other man gave a long, agonized, stifled moan against Niko’s lips as he came, and the passionate, enthusiastic intensity of Elliott’s ecstasy drove Niko to meet him there too, spilling himself within him.

It was rare that he shared a climax with his lovers, but simply experiencing Elliott falling apart made Niko unable to hold it in either.

Elliott slowly parted from Niko’s lips and gave a shaky, shuddering breath.

They stayed like that a moment, quiet, as Niko simply held him. As he slowly came back down from the high of Elliott, something else began to worm its way back in, unwelcome, unwanted.

Guilt.

Was it okay? Was it really alright? he wanted to ask.

Clearly Elliott had enjoyed himself. Yet he couldn’t shake the thought.

This wasn’t how the other man had wanted to do it.

It was becoming clear he favored being the one to top, with something extra present too, subtle in the way Elliott had spoken to him when he’d started getting hot and heavy.

Elliott wanted to dominate him. And Niko had rejected that.

For not the first time that night, another cocktail of uneasy emotions churned through him.

Guilt, and a new shame at turning down what his boyfriend had wanted from him.

Guilt at having been embarrassed at the idea at all.

Sorrow that something inside him wasn’t ready to let himself go there yet.

And shame all over again at the idea of ever actually letting it happen, along with the fact that Niko had quietly wanted it so, so badly.

Even more than he’d actually wanted what they’d just done.

Niko didn’t know where that came from—neither the want, nor the shame of it.

Elliott let out a long exhale, finally gathering himself. “Okay,” he said, breathless sounding still. “I think I can try to get some sleep now. That wore me out.”

“Good,” Niko said, planting another light kiss on his shoulder. He felt all wrong now, though, tangled up and remorseful and like something that didn’t belong here with Elliott.

Elliott got up and slipped off to the bathroom, then came back with a damp, warm wash cloth which he used to clean them both up.

Niko felt a little bad for whomever they had on laundry duty these days—usually one of the newer recruits to join the compound, at least if this place still worked like it used to. That had been him, once.

When they were done, Niko scooted back up the bed and laid down.

Elliott joined him. He rested his head against Niko and draped a hand over his waist, but didn’t urge him to turn around nor hold him the way he usually did.

The detail of it tore something inside Niko to absolute shreds.

He'd grown used to usually falling asleep as the little spoon to Elliott.

Niko wrapped around him tightly now instead.

There were so many things he wanted to say—and probably should.

I’m sorry, or We should talk about this , or I wanted it too, but I’m ashamed and I don’t know why.

Elliott looked tired though, his eyelids already beginning to droop. It had been a long, demanding day—one full of tension, adrenaline, and combat. And it was nearly three in the morning now.

Niko added it to the list of things they needed to talk about later, when they were in a better place. He planted a long, warm kiss on Elliott’s forehead.

“Get some rest, babe. I’m here. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

The other man closed his eyes and buried his face in Niko’s shoulder. Niko could already hear—and feel—his breathing shift to something shallower, gentler.

Elliott was finally granted the peace of sleep, emptied of all thought.

Niko wished that he could join him. But now he found himself wide awake, instead.