Page 79 of Kane
He shakes his head. “Beensoangry. Spent so many years scared shitless of this moment.”
“Iknow, Kane.” I lean closer to him, and I feel Luke pull away as Kane tugs me into his arm, burying his nose in my neck, inhaling me; I hold him tight, hands in his hair and neck. “Now it is better, no?”
He nods. “Thank you, Anjalee.” He pulls away enough to touch his forehead to mine, his voice a breath. “Thankyou.”
I touch his heart, feel it beating. “Already I have told you, we are connected. I could not let you run away from yourself any longer.”
Luke laughs. “Son, you lassoed yourself a sharp one.”
We all move to our feet, and Kane hooks an arm around my waist, pulling me against him, hard, close.
Luke claps a hand on Kane’s shoulder. “Come on. Let’s go up to the house—dinner’s on.”
We walk together up to the house, and Kane tangles his fingers into mine. Luke surges ahead on his long legs, giving us privacy.
I look up at him. “Kane, are we…do you still…” I cannot seem to finish the question.
He stops, takes both of my hands. “Anj, I can’t even begin to understand the courage it took for you to do what you did.”
I shake my head. “It was at least partially selfish, Kane. I want you in my life—” I frown, shake my head again. “No, that is not right. I want to be inyourlife. Here, on the road, anywhere. I like this life with you. I know we have not known each other very long, but already I cannot stand the idea of simply…going back to the way things were. To a life where you are not.”
“I can’t either, honestly.”
“But I could tell that you…you were handicapped, Kane. Emotionally stunted from the weight of this awful thing for so very long.”
He cups my face. “Well, now, thanks to you, I can…” he lets out a breath. “Now I can breathe. Feels like I’ve had an elephant on my chest all this time and I never realized it, and now, suddenly, I can breathe.”
I smile at him. “Then it was worth it.”
He kisses me, deeply, slowly.
“Kids! Dinner’s on!” Luke’s voice, yelling from the house.
Kane releases me from the kiss and pulls me up to the house. The inside is as he described it—logs, animal heads, woven rugs, hand-made wood furniture. The main floor is open-plan, a free-standing fireplace at the center of the room, double-sided. On the left, stairs lead up to a loft area, to the right of the door a living room, with high-backed couches and deep, thick cushions and brightly colored throw pillows. Beyond the fireplace, a kitchen, separated by a long island with stools on this side of it. A picture window with a sink, opposite the front door, stove to the left, refrigerator beside that. A short hallway, leading to other places, a bathroom perhaps, or laundry.
A woman is in the kitchen, about Luke’s age. She is quite short, with wide hips and a very generous bosom. Her hair is dark and liberally streaked with gray. She wears faded jeans tucked into cowboy boots, and a blousy purple shirt.
Luke is in the kitchen beside her, leaning on the counter next to her, grinning as he reaches over her shoulder to pluck something from the stove, popping it into his mouth. She smacks his hand, huffing in annoyance, even though she is grinning.
“Luke, really! Can’t you wait till it’s done?”
“Nope. Hungry now.” He sees us enter, brightening. “Here you are. Lilly, my love, come meet my boy, Kane. Kane, I’d like you to meet my wife, Lilly.”
Lilly sets a long-handled wooden spoon down, wipes her hands on a towel, and then bustles over to us, her face lighting up. She goes right up to Kane, barrels into him and hugs him.
Kane is confused at first, and then loosens. “Uh, nice to meet you, Lilly.”
She pulls back, brushing her eyes with her fingers. “Oh honey, you just don’t even know how glad I am you’re here. I’ve prayed on my knees every night for this day.” She holds his biceps, looking way up at him. “I’ve heard so much about you, I feel like I know you already.”
Kane looks at Luke for help. “I, um…”
Luke just laughs as Lilly lets go of Kane and moves to her husband. “Lilly was my therapist. I drove clear down to Bozeman every week to talk to her. About everything. Losin’ Elizabeth to cancer, raisin’ Della-Marie on my own. You. The wreck, and losin’…my Della.” His voice breaks. “Losin’ you, even though you weren’t dead, you may as well have been. Lilly here, she uh…she helped me find my way outta the anger and into forgiveness, and then, for reasons which still ain’t exactly clear to me, the fool woman went and fell in love with me. No matter how grumpy I was, I couldn’t get her to quit loving me, so I just went with it. Now, she does therapy online from here.”
Lilly has an arm around Luke’s waist and a hand on his chest. “You’re such a goof.” To Kane, then, her eyes sharp. “You’ve made amends, then?”
Kane drops his head, nodding. “Yes, ma’am. I mean…I’m here, and…I apologized. Don’t seem like it’s enough, but…whatever could be?”
She leaves Luke, returns to Kane. “Nothing. Nothing will ever be enough. That’s the point, after all. You didn’t come back here and apologize to Luke forhim, you did it foryou. And in the same way, my dear, Luke couldn’t forgive you foryou, he had to forgive you for himself. That’s the way these things work.” Her eyes are deep wells of understanding, and intelligent insight. “I say this in a professional capacity, not just as someone who loves you: you willneverbe free until you let go of guilt. The first step was coming back here. The second step was asking Luke to forgive you. The last step, and perhaps the hardest, will be to forgiveyourself.”