Page 20 of Just Like You (Square Mile Rogues #2)

Julian

I thought I’d finally pieced myself together after returning to work and surviving two one-day trips in a row.

Some godforsaken Greek island, there and back.

Five hours in a tin can with a hundred and fifty poor souls crammed together in agony, having paid all their hard-earned cash for the promise of luxury and relaxation.

I hated work when it was like that, but I’d honestly thought it would have helped clear my head.

It hadn’t, and then I’d had to do it all again the next day.

It hadn’t helped. Instead, I felt even worse because now I was dealing with a big healthy dose of guilt as well. If I was feeling like this? Then how must Kieron be feeling? And the most overwhelming question of all?

Why the hell did I care?

I did. Because I was me. I was an empathetic soul who cared too much, and as much as I tried to convince myself that my heart was truly made of concrete? Gah. That was a lie. And here I was, lying in my bed, once again letting his goddamn Patek watch twirl between my fingers.

I had the address for his office neatly written out on an envelope, ready to take down to that courier service on the high street. Easy. A five-minute job. Pay for extra insurance and dust myself down and move on.

I couldn’t bring myself to do it, because it was a shitty thing to do to another human being, and I knew far too well what that made me.

An arsehole of the highest degree.

So I did what I always did. I rang Sonny, who turned up on my doorstep with a crate of shopping and greasy fast food accompanied by a look of horror on his face.

“Babe,” he said. “I have gossip, and I have tea, I have everything a sad man needs, but you look like crap.”

“You bought chocolate buttons?” I tried to smile, when I felt like crying .

“Of course I have chocolate buttons, who do you think I am? But what’s important here is the gossip.

Did you not listen? Gossip. Good stuff that will make you forget all about this weird state you’ve got yourself into.

Now. You know me. This might sting a little, but at the end of the day? Babe? This is for the best.”

“What?” I said weakly, following him into my kitchen where he started to unload groceries and tinned cocktails and things I couldn’t really make sense of. Sweets. Spicy crisps. All my favourite things in the world. And chips. A large box.

Because that was Sonny, and that was why he was the man he was. The only one that mattered. Or so I’d thought.

“Meant to say, got bored last night and went on the prowl.”

“You didn’t.” I wanted to sound more enthusiastic, but obviously failed, as he spun around and gave me a hug.

“You’re okay. You know that, don’t you? You are absolutely okay.”

“Don’t feel it.”

“Which is why I am here. We’re going to turn all this moping you have going on into something else.”

I was usually more excited to have him over and would normally have been filling glasses full of ice by now. Instead I was sat on a chair in my own kitchen wondering what was going on.

“Nice watch,” he said, motioning to the Patek that was slung around my elbow. “It’s too big for you.”

“I know,” I muttered. I wanted to take it off. But I couldn’t. “I’ve lost it. ”

“It’s right there?” He cocked his head, motioning to my wrist.

“No, babe. It’s his watch. I can’t let it go, and it’s bloody confusing.

I’m not like this. I’m never like this!” I almost shouted, as he gently spun around.

Sat himself down on the chair opposite, then dragged it along the floor, making my head hurt.

Everything hurt. Why did everything fucking hurt?

“Look, Jules. I love you. I love you more than anything, and I don’t want to see you hurt. Right now? You’re fucking hurt, and I need to stab you a little more to get through to you. Okay? I hate that I have to, but here we go.”

“Okay?”

“Stop. Right now. This is not healthy, this obsession you have with a guy that you’ll never see again. It’s weird, and it’s not sane. And the guy you’re sat here pining after is not who you think he is. So straighten that spine and listen to me.”

“The fuck?” I sighed. He took out his phone and opened up Instagram. Social media. Hated it. Couldn’t bear it, so I shook my head.

“This is Gina DeSanto. We love Gina DeSanto don’t we?”

“Yes.” Did we? Who was she again?

“Staunch defender of queer rights. Hosts pride galas. Hosted bloody Eurovision. You with me?”

“Yes? And?”

“Her boyfriend? She’s been with the same guy for years. YEARS, Jules. ”

“And?” I shouted. Fuck him. Fuck everything. “What the hell, Sonny?”

“Her boyfriend’s name is Kieron Andrieu. So shut the fuck up with this whining and get over yourself.”

There he was. Right in my face, smiling into the camera with his arms wrapped around…Gina DeSanto.

Well.

That should have taught me, my fucking weird obsession with not having bloody Instagram and only using my phone for important things.

Instead I was reading books and watching films, and now I was sat here reaping the benefits of my insanity when the world was exploding around me.

I was an idiot.

And Kieron Andrieu? A big fat fucking liar.

“A liar deluxe,” Sonny said, trying to calm my swallowing of spit at the same time as I felt like I was choking. “He’s apparently openly bisexual according to Wikipedia. But we all know that can’t be trusted.”

“He is bisexual,” I whispered. Fuck. What the hell?

“Don’t defend him. He didn’t tell you about Gina, did he?”

“No,” I admitted. I was still stroking the band of his watch. A comfort thing. A nervous spasm. The fuck? The actual fuck ?

“So now you know, and now you can let this go. It’s not the first time someone has cheated.

Not the first time you have fucked someone who wasn’t yours to fuck.

It’s not a big deal because you have already walked away.

You’ve already ripped that plaster off, so knowing the truth?

That’s the final nail in that little coffin. Do we agree?”

“The truth?” I spat out, trying to comb my fingers through my hair so I wouldn’t pick up Sonny’s phone from the table and throw it out the window.

I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t… I was… I was disappointed. Confused. Freaking out.

“Here. A shot of vodka, just to take the edge off. You will need it today, and I am staying the night. Not letting you ride this out on your own, because you look like shit, Jules. Understandable, and Sonny and his own magic brand of sorting you out will now be available twenty-four seven… Until the day after tomorrow, when I have to lead the team on board the flight to Accra at eight forty-five. But until then? I am all yours. No request too small, no demand too big.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, trying to stop my hands from shaking .

“Vodka,” Sonny demanded. Here.

I downed it. And another. Alcohol burning my throat.

“I didn’t want this,” I said, feeling the tears building. “I didn’t ask for this.”

“Oh, darling,” he said, wrapping me up. “I’m going to take you to bed, and we’re going to just lie in bed, and I am going to hold you so you can cry this out. Then, when you’ve had a little sob?”

“Yes?”

“Wait, I brought chips, we should eat the chips first. They’ll be stone cold by now, but I brought that spicy spice mix you like to sprinkle on top and some super funky chilli garlic mayo.”

“That’s supposed to be a hangover cure,” I sobbed. Fucking hell. What was wrong with me?

“Here.” He got up, leaving me slumped on the chair. Arms by my side, like I couldn’t even move. His watch? Slid off my wrist with a terrifying clang, making Sonny turn around, and nod. And nod again.

“Fate. See? You’re already moving on. Leave it there. I will sort the watch out later.”

“It’s worth thirty thousand pounds.”

“I don’t care. It’s breaking your heart, so it has to go back to him. We don’t do anything illegal, not you, not me. We’re good boys.”

“You’re thirty-six, Sonny.”

“Thank you for reminding me.”

“I hate this.”

“I do too. But. What I do like? Is having time with you, where nothing else matters. Where you and I sit here and just exist and eat junk food and remind each other that we’re actually good for something.

That life is pretty awesome when you have someone to share it with, and we are lucky.

We do. We have good jobs and good lives, and most of all?

We have good friends. What else could you want? ”

“I don’t know,” I said, and for once I was honest. Because I couldn’t put words to anything in my head. Had no idea what to do. Struggled to even swallow the chip that had ended up in my mouth. Greasy and soft and tingling with spice.

I felt like throwing up.

“Show me the picture again?” I demanded.

“No, darling. Because you only want to see it so you can stare at him. Try to find some hidden meaning in that photo. He’s been with Gina for years. They met when they were thirteen, when she was in foster care. She’s talked about it publicly for years; you just missed it. He’s…with Gina. And you?”

“Yes?”

“You’re worth more than to be someone’s bit on the side.”

I swallowed, the chip feeling like lead travelling down my throat.

“I know,” I said. I wasn’t sure I did.

“Eat.” Sonny wafted his hand in my face.

“And then I’ll tell you all about the doorman last night, who I blew in the cloakroom and then he came all over my face and told me to lick myself clean.

I mean. Did he think I was some kind of lizard?

Guy had obviously watched too much dodgy porn, and at the end of the day?

Didn’t even get fucked. Didn’t offer up anything. Most disappointing. ”

“It always is.”

“Yes. But I’m not finished yet. I walked back out to the bar, and guess who is draped over a chair looking like he’s gasping for a bit of action?”

“Who?”

I actually smiled. No idea how I managed that.

“Dennis. Guy I fucked two weeks ago. He was right there to put me out of my misery. Went back to his, and not only did I get myself cleaned up, but he gave me a right good seeing to. Has a big dick and knows how to use it.”

And right on cue? Again? I burst into tears like an idiot.

Things didn’t get better. I hid the watch before Sonny could get his hands on it, and he duly threatened me with death and destruction if I didn’t hand it over.

I couldn’t explain my inability to do just that, and perhaps I was just still grieving over something in my head.

I barely know the guy! And now I’m hoarding his watch like some deranged monster?

I knew something, though, that when he had been snuggling up to me and I had held him?

There had been something there that I failed to let go of.

Something calm and warm and soothing inside of me, a feeling that I could still feel.

Every time his face popped into my head?

I cringed on the outside and bled on the inside.

The thought of him? And then the thought of him hurting?

I hoped he wasn’t. I hoped he’d forgotten all about me .

Even worse. He belonged to someone else. He had a girlfriend. One he hadn’t even mentioned, and that?

Unforgivable. Weird. Arsehole.

I hadn’t cried as much as I did that week since I’d lost my mum, and it was all his fault.

Sonny dragged me through it, his moods switching from pure anger and threatening to cut off my balls if I didn’t sharpen up to holding me at night when I couldn’t stop raging. I was going insane, and there was nothing either of us could do to stop it.

He left me to go to work, and I was supposed to get ready for my next shift. Pack my bag and organise my paperwork. Charge my devices and upload information.

I couldn’t even look at my bag without bursting into tears.

Everything was doing my head in. I needed to do something. Rip that plaster off as Sonny had said. Get some rage out of my system so I could go to work and not sit in the briefing room trying to hold back tears.

Fuck.

I got myself into a state, pacing my living room with my phone in my hand. I tried to scream. Shout. I put my bin out in the road ready for collection and kicked the shit out of the hard plastic, right there for the neighbours to see.

I was livid. Disappointed in myself. Angry. Heartbroken and sad. Betrayed. Every emotion making me weaker by the second .

So I did the only thing I could do. I went inside and slammed my front door shut. Then I pressed his number and put the phone to my ear, letting the dial tone ramp up my anger even further.

“Julian?” His voice sent daggers through my body, making me shake. I couldn’t control it. I had no coping mechanisms for things like this. I never had. I hadn’t coped with people in the past, and I definitely couldn’t cope with him. Not here. Not now. Not ever.

“You lied,” I screeched. “You lied, and I believed it. I fell for everything you told me, and now look at me?”

I wanted to slam the phone down. I wanted to scream.

Instead, in proper Julian fashion, I burst into tears.