Page 34

juice

. . .

Sitting on the edge of the pool I lit the tip of my blunt and took a long pull.

Holding the smoke in my mouth I tossed my head back and closed my eyes.

After making sure Juju was sleep, I was going to invite Nariah to come kick it with me outside.

Shit the last thing I expected was for her to be on the phone cup caking with that nigga Dip with no fucking clothes on.

I was heated as fuck and knew I ain’t have no right to be.

It’s just a different feeling knowing yo rib out here getting fucked on by a nigga that ain’t you.

A feeling I’on think I’ll ever be able to get used too.

Us sharing a crib probably wasn’t the best idea especially since I knew it was a chance that her and that nigga would be on the phone again.

It was probably best for everybody if I maintained a safe distance.

Ya know, to keep myself from nutting up on her.

Blowing the smoke out I pulled my phone out of my pocket and connected it to the speaker. Tito and n’em had hit up the club after we left dinner and now my duck ass was mad I ain’t roll with them niggas.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up the minute I sensed Nariah was near. The vanilla fragrance she wore wafted through the night air. “I ain’t mean to interrupt you.” Taking another toke of the blunt I held the smoke in before pushing it out through my nose.

“What’s up?” She asked and sat beside me.

“Not shit. I ain’t sleepy and knew yo ass wasn’t either. Was gon’ see if you wanted to kick it out here with me.”

“Oh.” she mumbled.

Tilting my head I looked her up and down. “I see you got on clothes now.” I pulled from the blunt and choked out. “That’s good.”

“Julius please.” She retorted.

“Ain’t said shit.” I held my hand up. Taking one last pull I leaned over and rubbed the blunt against the concrete. “Just making an observation.”

“Yeah.” She huffed smugly. “Julius, I’m going to date. We’ve already discussed this.”

“Do yo thing twin. You a grown ass woman.

“That’s something that you don’t have to tell me. I am grown.”

“Okay then. What we talking ‘bout?”

“You!” She scoffed.

“Me?” I asked and pointed at my chest. “Fuck I do to you?”

“Everything.” She grunted.

“Aight twin. You got it.” I wasn’t trying to argue with Nariah. For once I really wasn’t. I was tryna accept the fact that she was really moving on from my ass.

“I know I do.” Dropping her elbows down onto her legs Nariah cradled her head in her hands. “Why couldn’t you just be faithful.”

“Nariah, ain’t no blueprint on this shit.

I love you and that ain’t never been a question.

I did some fucked up shit and I can sit here and make up a hundred reasons why but it ain’t gon’ change a fucking thing.

On top of that ain’t no rhyme or reason why I did the shit.

Just like it ain’t no reason to try and justify the shit. I fucked up and I gotta own that.

I know I played a lot of games, but you really are the love of my life.

You mean more to me than all of this shit.

Ain’t nobody in this world that make me feel the way you do.

I be sitting here thinking and yeah, I know we over with and moving on and shit, but I’ll never feel like it’s just over.

Part of me feel like we lost our way and eventually we will find our way back.

The thought of you being with another nigga will never sit right with me and I ain’t gone sit here and pretend that it will. Cause it was supposed to be just us.”

“If it was supposed to just be us then why wasn’t it?” The tremble in her voice let me know she was ‘bout to start crying.

“I feel like we’re going in circles with no direction on how to stop and go straight.

I be in my head trying to figure out how I allowed myself to get here.

Knowing I should’ve walked away when my heart told me you was out fucking off.

I used to feel like what we had was a once in a lifetime kind of thing. ”

“And it was.” I avowed.

“Not if you gave it to somebody else.” She hissed. “Like damn was I not enough?”

“ The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. ”

“In other words, I don’t satisfy you. Got it.” She nodded. “So there really wasn’t shit I could’ve done to prevent this. Noted.”

What I did ain’t have shit to do with Nariah. And I hated that she felt the need to place the blame on herself instead of on me. Nariah was perfect in every fucking aspect. The last thing I wanted was to break her spirit and have her questioning herself.

“That’s just it. You do. You satisfy my spirit and not just my flesh. You did everything the right way. It was me who fucked us up. And that’s something I’mma have to live with. What I did had nothing to do with you and more to do with me being greedy.”

“This shit is so fucked up.” She fretted.

Thumbing away her tears I groaned. “I know baby. I’m already knowing.

I need to ask you something though.” My tone was low, vulnerable even, but my heart wouldn’t rest until I knew what I was up against. Cause let’s face it, I wasn’t ready to give Nariah up.

Like at all and was fully prepared to do whatever I had to do to get her back.

“What Julius?”

“We done? Like you don’t ever see us fixing this shit?”

“Why? Why do what you did if this was where you wanted to be Julius? Why even put us through that?”

“I’on know.” I shrugged.

“Then there’s your answer. I don’t know.

” Getting up Nariah stared down at me. “If I meant all of that to you then hurting me wouldn’t have even crossed your mind.

You’re asking if this is it but have yet to say you won’t do it again.

I don’t think you understand how much this broke me.

I feel so weak for even wanting to still be with you.

It feels like I lower myself every time I think about coming back.

Like I have no dignity. You carried on a whole relationship on the side and because you’re sorry you got caught, I’m supposed to just forget that it happened.

I am not that girl Julius. And the more we rehash this situation I feel like you don’t respect me.

” Paying me one final glance Nariah turned and walked off taking my beating heart right along with her.

It took me a few seconds to process what had just happened and before my mind could register it completely, I was off my feet and trailing her into the house.

Grabbing her by the arm I pulled her to me.

“I’m sorry baby. I told her as my heart twisted in my chest. “I’m sorry for fucking up and I’m sorry for hurting you. ”

Nariah looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “Julius, I don’t believe you.”

“That’s fair. I never meant to hurt you though Nariah.”

“You did. A lot.” Tucking her bottom lip between her cheek she closed her eyes and expelled a deep breath.

“I’m sorry.” I repeated and grabbed her face between the palm of my hands. “I’ll let you go Nariah.”

“You said that las?—”

Silencing her I specified. “I love you and that shit ain’t gon’ change but you deserve better.

” The look of defeat in Nariah’s eyes ate at my soul.

I had really broken her down. I knew the healthiest and safest thing to do for everybody involved was to let her walk.

As much as the shit hurt me to do, it had to be done.

“I never wanted better. I wanted you to be better.”

“And that’s something I gotta deal with.”

Letting her go I took a step back and rubbed my sweaty hands down my shorts. “Goodnight Nariah.

She stared at me a few seconds before tipping her head. When she turned to walk off, I couldn’t move. My feet felt like they were cemented to the ground. I stood there and watched until she was no longer in view. It wasn’t until then did I decide to walk away for good.

Rolling over in bed I shielded my eyes from the sun that was blaring through the blinds. As I stretched, I recalled the events of last night that led to the throbbing of my head. My shit felt like it was getting ready to split at any moment.

When I let Nariah go, I was good, or so I thought I was.

Until I laid my ass in bed and got in my feelings.

Instead of crying like a bitch I drowned my sorrows in that cheap ass tequila that I had our butler to bring.

Patting the bed for my phone I slipped it from under the pillow and groaned after noticing that I had slept the majority of the fucking day away.

Juju was gone be mad at my ass ‘cause I was supposed to go with them to the foam party.

After plugging my phone up I slid out of bed and trekked into the ensuite bathroom to relieve my bladder.

Standing at the sink I washed my face and brushed my teeth before turning on the shower.

Once I’d shed my shorts I hopped in and stood with my back to the water.

Nigga heart was broke. My ass had really lost my fucking peace.

And I ain’t have nobody to blame but myself.

The temptation, the pressure, the bullshit.

.. the fucking lifestyle. All of that had singlehandedly played into the demise of my relationship.

Ma Dukes had predicted the shit before it even happened.

I remember it just like it was yesterday.

I hit her up the night Nariah agreed to be my girl.

Ma Dukes told me I was getting ready to experience some shit that I’d never experienced before and because of the temptation she felt like I should just be friends with Nariah until I knew for sure that I wanted to be in a relationship.

Her biggest worry was that I was gon’ fuck up and break that girl’s heart. My ass was so sure that I wasn’t. I mean I just fucking knew I wasn’t gone dog her out. Ma Dukes was right on the money when she said I was and was too stubborn to see how it was going to hurt Nariah in the end.