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Page 84 of Judas (The Lito Duet #2)

Chapter forty-one

Babalon

H ave you ever been on a Mary-go-round and someone keeps pushing it faster and faster, even though you’re starting to lose your grip?

Where the clothes on your body, your shoes, nothing stops you from sliding along the surface, so you scramble for a new hold only for the pole you clung to doesn’t grab you back?

It doesn’t prevent you from getting closer and closer to the edge where you know if you fall off, it’s going to be painful.

That’s how I feel. Scared to let go even though my hands are slipping away from the things I use to hold so tightly to.

If the ride doesn’t stop soon, there’s going to be nothing but pain and ridicule at the end—I want off.

Something has to give, it’s either going to be my hold or the spinning will finally stop.

Leaning my back against the door, I breathe out a sigh of defeat. Ribs feel tight and stomach heavy from both a sense of powerlessness and thanks to Kace for punching me in the kidney. Willing my thoughts to slow down, I allow my eyes to flutter closed and focus on the things around me.

One thing I can taste—the remnants of my toothpaste from earlier.

Two things I can smell—the linen-scented laundry soap used to clean the bedding and the lingering smell of the body wash from our shower earlier.

Three things I can hear—the heater blowing through the vent above me, a slight breeze rustling the tree just outside of the window, and movement in the living room.

Four things I know—we’re in Canada, Kace is alive, I’m physically whole, I’m forty-five, and nothing makes sense.

Every time I start a new count, it gets easier to shift my focus from the things I’m not able to control, to allowing myself to exist. Even if I don’t feel like I have earned the right to stand here.

At the end of the mental exercise my eyes open slowly, taking in the room.

The crumpled bedding I could smell, the window with sheer curtains over them barely letting the tree's shadow penetrate it, and the open bathroom door.

I’m in one piece, I’m safe, I’m alive.

Still feels like I’m missing something and I know just the person to reach out to.

Leaving the door behind, I move across the room to the nightstand where my phone is sitting.

Feet sinking into the soft fibers of the carpet, the luxurious feeling of them caressing my soles and trying to squeeze between my toes with every step.

I’ve been wrapped up in so much since getting here, well…

since Ra left… that something as mundane as carpet is a sensation I’ve not given much thought to.

I miss him—oddly. Birdie, God how bad I need Birdie right now.

The only mother figure I’ve ever had. Tora, well, she’d show me how to secure Sadie and disappear.

Monika would help in never being found. Jerrika?

She’d help Sadie get through the mental things she’s struggling with.

Then… there’s Fury. Knowing Kace facilitated our meeting leaves a hell of a bitter taste in my mouth.

What do you do when you find out the one friend you’ve had all along, wasn’t a friend to begin with?

Perhaps that’s why prison still seemed so lonely, my subconscious knew it was a lie.

Locating my phone, I bring up the text thread I’m after and shoot off a message.

Fuck you.

Then move on to the next.

At what point were you going to tell me you were only a friend because someone told you to be?

All of these people, every single one of them, are fucking terrible.

How they can look each other in the eye, form alliances, and not question the motives of the other is beyond me.

Then to think they’re all here because of Kace—Sadie too.

Everyone except Lucien. Maybe if I would have left Kace alone, none of this shit would have happened.

You wouldn’t have Sadie then.

Fuck, I know that! Right now, I still might not have her.

Praying she is safe and alive isn’t enough anymore, I need to know for certain she is.

I’ve got to lay my eyes on her to assure that there’s still enough of Sadie left in her mind to bring her back.

Going down the path she is on, she will end up locked away in a mental institution or prison.

Which, Sadie ending up like any of us isn’t something I want for anyone— especially her.

The shit Kace pulled is inexcusable, I hope he knows he will be paying for it for a very long time. Whether I’m with him or not. Sadie will ask questions eventually and the vindictive side of me cannot wait to watch him struggle through that conversation. Asshole deserves what’s coming to him.

Dropping the phone on the bed, I start to undress.

Feeling the film of sweat left across my skin from our fight and the dry salty-tracks of tears down my face has me feeling sticky and gritty.

I need to wash away everything, scrub my body from any of the imperfections surviving on my flesh, the ones too deep to reach I can always cut out by shoving them behind the metaphorical door in my mind.

It didn’t work that well when the trauma came pouring out with Kace.

Now that I know what allows the door to fly open, I’ll be sure to avoid putting myself in a position like that ever again.

I’m almost bare when the phone lights up with a notification—a new text thread that I didn’t initiate. Picking it up, I see that it’s Ra and Fury.

Since when can you share text threads with multiple people?

Fuck you too, Precious.

Fury

‘Precious’ that’s cute

The hell do you two want?

Fury

Rude, you text us

I asked you a question. What I sent Ra didn’t warrant a reply.

Everything that comes out of that smart fucking mouth of yours warrants a reply.

Fury

Want answers or not cause there’s this new guy here that I could get to know

One illegal tryst isn’t enough for you, Fury?

Fury

Nope, the more the merrier

I regret starting this thread.

No one asked you to.

Do you like being wrong, Nadia? You’re fairly decent at that.

Fury

Heard she’s fairly decent at kissing too. Kinda bummed she didn’t push me further

Elysian, shut up.

Fury

Gonna make me, baby bro?

What—in the fuck is happening right now? Is… is th—no. It… maybe? Son of a bitch, Ra doesn’t know that Kace is alive. He only knows what Fury told him and vice versa. Ra wasn’t sent by Kace. Fuck.

Slow down. Bro, and what kind of name is Elysian?

Fury

Fuck off, ho it means divinely perfect

Devils are also ‘divinely perfect’

Fury

Rude

Truth hurts.

You two are annoying. Siblings? Whatever. Answers, Now.

Fury

Fine. I told you from the jump we are friends. Consider it like a blind date. A contact told me to look for the pregnant girl that seemed out of place and protect her. Saw you, rocked my world. Instant friends.

You make it sound so nonchalant, Fury. You realize how fucking bothered I am by you not choosing to be my friend on your own accord?

Fury

I did though. He said keep you safe and alive that’s all I had to do. Everything else is all you boo

Excuse her. She lacks tact.

How the fuck do you tie into all of this then, Ra? Did you realize you would be sending me to actual hell when you left? How about who else was waiting for me?

What are you talking about? I left you there to go get your daughter and hopefully bring kittens home.

Hell though? What happened, do I need to come back?

Fury

Don’t think her baby daddy will appreciate that very much now that you’ve had your tongue down her throat

Son of a bitch. Why didn’t you tell me that, Elysian?

Fury

Wasn’t relevant

Like hell it wasn’t!

Nadia, listen. I apologize. Had my infuriating sister told me your man was still alive, I never would have entertained the things between us.

So, I understand the ‘fuck you’ text now.

Don’t worry about the ‘we call, you come’ shit Essex told you.

Your debt is clear, since Elysian is a meddling cunt.

Fury

Ouch see you at next visit?

No. Nadia, take care. If you or your family ever need anything, we’re here to assist.

*Ra left the chat*

Fury

He’s such a baby sometimes jeez

Cut him some slack. He probably thinks someone is going to hunt him down in his sleep or something.

Fury

Probably. That’s what he gets for forgetting me on my birthday this year. Little prick. Anyway I gots to go. Nadia, you’re my friend and have been since you came to Bluitt. Don’t let any new information make you think otherwise. I love you, your prison family loves you. Be good beat some ass.

Bye bitch.

Fury

Bye ho

I’m off the merry-go-round at this point.

I’m afraid if I ask ‘what comes next’ I’m going to get hit with a bomb or something equally devastating.

The little battery in the top of the screen flashes at me, telling me it needs to be charged.

Sliding the drawer out of the nightstand, I search for a charging cord that looks like it will fit.

It takes a couple of tries but I manage to get it plugged in.

Just one more thing to worry about. Being out of prison is tiresome.

Went from phones that were attached to the wall to ones you have to more or less feed or it dies.

My shower is short lived. Took the whole thing on autopilot when I initially wanted to soak and let the heat of the water help soothe the exhaustion and pain in my muscles—oh well.

I scrubbed my body as thoroughly as I could, some areas a bit harsher than others.

Twisting the faucet valve, the water shuts off with ease.

Left over water dripping from the shower head is unheard of in this fancy cave-like walk-in.

When I step out, careful not to slip on the tile, a wave of nostalgia hits me—can you be nostalgic over prison?

Page 84 of Judas (The Lito Duet #2)

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