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What had she been thinking?

No, she had no money, no house, just relying on her sisters’ goodwill, and even then she would be in the way as they tried to clean the mansion up to get it ready to sell. She had no choice but to take the first job that was offered, even if it was offered by Doyle McKenny.

She wasn’t sure exactly what God was thinking on that one, but her faith that God knew best wasn’t wavering. However, her faith that she would be able to do what God wanted her to do was at an all-time low. Or maybe it was just stuck in the trenches where it had always been. She never really thought of herself as someone who could follow God and do what He wanted. She just wasn’t that kind of person.

But she wanted to be.

And just like Rome wasn’t built in a day, she wasn’t going to be the kind of person she wanted to be overnight. And she was never going to become that person if she didn’t start making herself do things that were a little bit hard.

Like taking a job with the one man in the entire world that she was trying to avoid.

Her sister and Garnet walked away, and the silence stretched between Doyle and herself.

She felt like she should break it, except he was the one who had hired her. Didn’t he have instructions or something for her? Or maybe an application to fill out? Or maybe once her sister had left, he was going to tell her that he no longer wanted her.

Maybe she should just be the bigger person and tell him that he didn’t have to.

“You don’t have—”

“I’m sorry about—”

They started together, stopped, and stared at each other some more. Finally he said, “You can go first.”

“No. You. I... I appreciate the offer of a job. If you truly mean it.”

“I’m not in the habit of saying things I don’t mean.”

He didn’t add, unlike some people I know, which he could have. But Doyle always was mature and didn’t go for the cheap shots. Although was it a cheap shot if it was true?

“I’ve changed.” She bit her tongue. She didn’t think that you should have to tell a person that you changed. Your actions would show it. That’s what she believed and what she wanted to live, but the words were out before she could stop them.

She expected him to smirk and snort and scoff at her declaration, but he just looked sad.

“I think life does change us. And I agree, you’re different.” He looked down at the car seat by her feet, as though that was the only change in her life. It wasn’t what she was talking about at all, but she didn’t know how to correct him and figured that it was probably best that she didn’t. She hadn’t wanted to tell him about the change, she had wanted to show him anyway.

He had always been a strong Christian. She was the one who had been the Christian in name only. But he had loved her anyway.

And she had loved his strong steadiness, even as it repelled her. Maybe because she felt like she just needed to get out and do her own thing. She wanted to have freedom, freedom to make bad choices.

Except bad choices always had consequences, and looking back, she wished she hadn’t had that freedom at all. It was foolish of her to think that she needed it, when what she really needed was to be content where she was and follow God wherever He led her.

“So... When were you thinking you wanted me to start?”

“Tonight if possible. I’m in town because I burnt supper.”

She looked up, and there seemed to be humor in his eyes. Although his expression was still guarded, like he didn’t trust her. And rightfully so. That’s what she had taught him. That he couldn’t trust her. Because she betrayed him. She had taken the things that he’d given her, his love, his care, his concern, his devotion, and rather than cherish them the way they should have been cherished, she’d thrown it all back in his face, and stomped on it for good measure, and then she left. Making some sort of vague promise that she’d be back eventually. But he shouldn’t wait on her. Although he could if he wanted to. And he’d said he would.

He’d kept his word. And she supposed, in a way, she’d kept hers since she was back.

“I can start tonight if you want to. I don’t know what kind of groceries you have in your house, but I’m sure I can whip something up.”

“You’d probably have a hard time making a meal out of a few sticks of butter and some condiments.”

“You’re kidding?”

“No. I’m dead serious. I might have a few spices in the cupboard.”

“So... We’ll have to go grocery shopping first.”

“Have you had supper yet?” he asked, and something in his tone made her eyes fly to his.

“No?”

“All right. Let’s go grocery shopping, and we’ll grab supper on the way.”

She swallowed. She didn’t want him to be this nice to her. And she definitely didn’t want to go out to eat with him. Those days were over. She’d ruined it, and she didn’t deserve a second chance.

“How about you just go grocery shopping and let me know when you’re going to be home, and I’ll meet you there at your house.”

She didn’t have to ask, because she knew she could stay with her sisters, but she also knew that her sisters were both planning on getting married and moving out and they wanted the house to be empty so they could sell it. So she said, “Is there really room for me?”

“I have a room. One for your kid as well.” He didn’t sound overly friendly, and the humor that had been in his expression was completely gone.

Had she done it again? Had she taken his olive branch and thrown it back in his face because she wanted to make sure that she wasn’t beholden to him or that she had her freedom?

She didn’t give herself another chance to second-guess herself, but instead she said, “If it’s okay with you, I’ve changed my mind and I’ll go shopping with you. I might have to feed my baby at some point, because she’s going to be hungry when she wakes up.”

“I haven’t seen her do anything but sleep.”

She took a breath, realizing at that second that she was going to need to ask for her wages to be paid early. She hated to do that, because he had already done so much for her just by giving her a job. By hiring her on the spot, not making her wait to start. Everything else that she needed she could do without, other than diapers, but she had enough of those to last for a week if she was careful. But formula, she couldn’t live without. If she hadn’t been so sick after she had the baby, she should have been able to nurse her, but the malaria had made sure that she couldn’t.

“I have a favor to ask.”

He had started to turn toward his car, but he stopped, lifting a brow. Waiting.

She lifted her chin. “If you buy three cans of formula when you buy your groceries, I’ll pay you back when I get paid out of my first check.”

He lifted his head slowly and then dropped it, like he was nodding in slow motion or thinking hard.

“That’s fine.” He took a breath, almost as though he were bracing himself, and then he said, “Anything else?”

She shook her head. “No.”

“All right then. I’m starving. Let’s go.” He walked to his car without waiting for her, but he opened the passenger door, hesitated a moment, and then stepped back and opened the back passenger door as well.

“Is there a trick to putting her in?” he asked as he held his hand out for the car seat.

He was going to put the baby in? She had gotten the impression that he didn’t like children and was a little annoyed that she had a baby, but it might have been because of their history.

“Normally there’s a base, but that’s in my car. It’ll be fine without it.” Then she explained how he would need to latch the seat belt around the hooks of the car seat and make sure that it was secure.

She didn’t mean to stand over his shoulder and watch, but she supposed that she hadn’t been a mother long enough for her to just assume that he was going to do it correctly. Or maybe she just liked watching him, not interact with the baby exactly, but take care of her. She always thought he would make a great dad. That opinion had not changed. There was something attractive about a man who was good with children.

He straightened out, saw her watching, and lifted that one brow again. “Did I do it right?”

“You did it perfectly,” she said, like she wouldn’t have expected anything else from him.

But he just jerked his head and slammed the door shut.

He turned back to her door and held it while she got in. When they had been together, he had always opened her doors and showed her the utmost respect. It was one of the things she loved about him. One of the many things.

She watched as he walked around the front of the car, confident as always, his long legs somehow graceful, his hands at his sides, capable but not threatening. And of course there was that shock of orange hair that not only made him stand out but kept him from looking too austere.

They were quiet as he pulled out, leaving Raspberry Ridge and taking the right turn on the highway south toward Blueberry Beach.

“There’s a good diner in Strawberry Sands, but there’s no grocery store. I typically pick my things up in Blueberry Beach. Will that work for you?”

“Yeah.” Like she would argue about where he should get his groceries. Of course she wasn’t going to do that. She would cook what he wanted her to and use whatever foods he bought. All she needed was enough formula to get her through until payday.

“So what brings you back?” he asked, after silence had filled the car for what felt like forever.

“I guess I was just ready to come home.” That was the truth, although she could also add that when she was dying in Ecuador, all she could think of was that Doyle would have taken care of her. Even though she had broken up with him, left him, hurt him, she knew all she would have to do would be to pick up the phone, if she actually had service, and call him, and he would come, even to a different country in order to take care of her. That was just the kind of man he was.

“Where’s the baby’s father?” He sounded like he didn’t want to ask that question, but he couldn’t stop himself. And she didn’t blame him. If he had a child and she didn’t see a mother around, that would be the first thing she would want to ask.

“He left when I got sick. I found out later he was married. It was a mistake, obviously.”

She couldn’t sugarcoat that. She couldn’t pretend it didn’t happen, and she couldn’t pretend she was happy about it. She screwed up. Plain and simple. Sin always seemed so seductive before one fell, and it always felt so vile and terrible when one was spending the rest of their life regretting it.

Of course she wasn’t going to regret her daughter, but it was the only good thing that came out of her stupidity and determination to do what she wanted to do instead of what God wanted her to do.

Well, maybe there was one more thing.

“It was the dumbest thing I’d ever done, deliberately knowing that it was wrong. And then I ended up with malaria, and in an Ecuadorian hospital which is...not like American hospitals.” To say the least. “But while I was there, I didn’t have anyone to depend on except for the Lord. That’s what I meant earlier when I said that I had changed. And I suppose that’s why I’m back. I’m...not the same girl I was when I left.”

She didn’t want him thinking that she was trying to talk him into taking her back. Or trying to tell him that she wanted to pick up where they left off because she was different and wouldn’t throw away all the precious things that he gave her. But she understood that that was water under the bridge, and a person couldn’t go back. Unfortunately. She wished she could. Because maybe more than the sin that she’d done with Ricardo, her biggest mistake was walking away from Doyle.

But it wasn’t as big of a mistake if she actually learned something from it, and she had to remember that. She didn’t want to start doing okay on her own and walk away from the Lord again. Because that was when the danger was greatest. When things were going well and she felt like she didn’t need Him. She’d figured that much out too.

Now, if she could just put those lessons into practice, to make that part of her life worthwhile.