Page 25 of Into the Dawn (The Devil’s Claw #3)

25

BEN

W hile Vanessa relaxes on the couch, I go into Evan's large bathroom and turn on the taps for the tub. I’m exhausted as I squat down, watching the water pelt loudly into the bottom, splashing against the ceramic and echoing through the room.

Steam rises in lazy curls, carrying the faint scent of lavender from Holly's bath salts. My beast stirs restlessly at being separated from our mate, even by just a few rooms. He can’t bear to be away from her for a minute.

Resting my hands on the side, I hang my head between my arms and suck in a few deep, ragged breaths. The ceramic is cool against my palms which are burning hotter than normal, apparently, a side effect of the drugs Jed gave me.

I can scarcely believe we're home, but I still can't quite shake the nagging feeling that this isn't the end of it. My body still hums with adrenaline, and my beast has yet to give up that fight or flight instinct, just not ready to relax yet.

He's not going to unwind for a very long time. The memory of being forcibly separated from each other, trapped in that drugged haze while our mate was in danger, has left deep scars.

I stare at my hands impassively, flexing my fingers out in front of me. There are small cuts yet to heal. I focus on the blood, some mine, some not, that’s embedded in my torn fingernails and the dry, cracked skin of my knuckles.

The images of Chuck's lifeless form with his guts hanging out, and Rusty crumpling to the ground keep spinning in my mind. I've seen bodies before, but none that I've killed with my own two hands, or who’ve been out to get me.

The memory of tearing through flesh and bone and the satisfaction my beast took in the violence haunts me almost as much as the knowledge that I’d gladly do it again to keep Vanessa safe.

Lost in my thoughts, I hardly hear Evan until the door creaks open. He leans against the door frame, arms folded, watching me with concern while I continue to stare at the steady stream of water still filling the bath with bubbles.

"It's a hell of a thing, killing somebody," he says quietly, not wanting to wake his mate, Holly, at this late hour. For someone who’s lived his life on his own terms, putting her needs first is a stark contrast. Still, it suits him.

He's the only person I'll listen to on this subject, because he's speaking from experience.

"It's normal not to be okay, Ben." He waits for me to say something, but I can't. I'm a strange combination of numb and exhilarated. My beast is still too close to the surface for me to trust entering into a long conversation about what happened tonight.

"You did what you had to do in the moment. You did it to get John and Vanessa out of there, to save their lives. But now that it's all over, it's normal for you to not feel good about it. It's okay to not like the idea of taking someone's life, even if you'd do it again if you had to. You need some time to adjust to the idea that this is part of you."

When I stay silent, Evan continues on, his voice carrying the weight of having been through it himself. "Just because you're capable of such things when your family is in danger doesn't make you any different to the man you were before."

My family.

I stare up at my big brother, a man who's spent his whole life known as trouble and someone who was destined to end up behind bars. Hell, he was the prime suspect in the multiple disappearances that happened in town for a while. And yet, I know the truth.

His beast can be wild, and he's a grumpy fuck, but his moral compass is perfectly straight. Anyone Evan's ever hurt has deserved it. That's how he sleeps at night.

The steady thrum of his heartbeat tells me he believes every word he's saying.

You threaten his mate, and he'll turn into the animal that everybody says he is. I'd never think badly of him for that. Maybe he’s right, and I should cut myself some slack.

"Rationally, I know that." I admit, keeping my voice low, not wanting Vanessa to be burdened by my mountain of guilt as well as her own trauma. My beast stirs at the thought of her, needing to return to her side.

"Every time I close my eyes, I can see them. I mean, fuck, I did a real number on that guy, Evan. That was overkill if I ever saw it."

Chuck's death was savage, his body torn to shreds and his organs splayed open. The memory of it makes bile rise in my throat. Did my beast really need to be so savage? Did he need to seemingly take so much pleasure in destroying Chuck’s manhood? The answer whispers through our shared consciousness.

Yes, he did. He threatened our mate.

"Reminds me of when Griffin got revenge for the first attack on Kali."

I never thought of that. Her mate slaughtered those who hurt her, and I doubt he lost any sleep over it. The parallel helps somehow, knowing other shifters have faced this same darkness.

"I spoke to Vanessa while you were getting checked out. She told me everything that happened. Ben, if you hadn't done what you did, he was going to assault her. You know he was. Any man worth his salt wouldn't stand by and watch a woman, let alone his mate, get raped." Evan can barely speak the word. His face twists in disgust, his scent spiking with rage. "And the fact that her father was willing to stand by and let it go ahead, well, he deserves what he got, too."

Even though I already knew, it still means so much for Evan to confirm that there was no other option. His approval finally settles something in my beast.

Maybe he's right, and it'll just take time.

"Just keep talking about it. If you don't want to talk to Vanessa, you can talk to me. Or John. Or Holly. We're here for you, brother. You've done plenty for me over the years. This is the least I can do."

I nod, grateful for his support.

"So what's the story with you two now?" Evan asks, knowing exactly where my thoughts have gone next: My mate.

My blood heats at the mere thought of her.

"I don't know. I mean, she didn't want me back then. She helped me, but that doesn't mean she wants me to claim her now. But…" I scratch my head, frustrated. "I mean, fuck, I know the bond is still there. And physically, we're drawn to each other. But this was a lot. Maybe she's not ready. I don't want to push her."

Holly appears at Evan's side, with her hair sticking up all over the place, and eyes puffy from sleep. Her scent mingles with Evan's, marking them out as a mated pair.

With a big yawn, she stretches and steps into the room, awkwardly kneeling beside me on the bath mat and turning off the taps before the hot water flows over the side and floods the bathroom. She rests her hand over mine and gives it a squeeze, her touch carrying the calm assurance of someone who understands mate bonds deeply.

"Ask her, Ben. Just ask her what she wants. And if it's space, give it to her. I have a feeling she's going to need you to just be there. You can do that. Even as friends for now, worry about the romance later. She'll let you know."

Maybe we'll just be friends at first, and we’ll figure out the rest with time. It's still better than being apart like we have been for the last few years. The mate bond can survive friendship… it has survived worse.

"I can do that," I say. "I can definitely do that."

Holly pulls some fluffy towels from the cupboard and shoves them in my direction.

"Good. Then let her get cleaned up and tuck her up into bed. Me and Evan will stay up so your beast can rest."

Evan wraps an arm around Holly and presses a kiss to the top of her head, appreciating her offer to keep him company as he keeps watch. They're a team, perfectly in sync, and as I go to retrieve Vanessa from the living room, I'm determined to show her we can be the same.

My beast stirs with renewed purpose. We'll give her whatever she needs, for as long as she needs it. Hopefully, eventually, that will include me.