Page 188 of Indiscretion

She winks and heads inside.

Seems like maybe the age difference won’t be a problem for them after all.

I wanted Jordan to feel welcomed this weekend. I didn’t give away all our secrets, obviously, but I told Mom a little about Jordan’s history. Namely, that he’s got shit-bag parents, and that his grandmother was his hero. I also begged her to stick to the recipes exactly, not to improvise this time, and why.

She apparently got the message loud and clear.

I hoped walking into a welcoming home with familiar aromas and a little love might be good for my boy’s soul. From the way Jordan spends the evening smiling and chatting with my family, looks like I guessed right.

When we return to our hotel that evening, he tackles me onto our bed and we make love until we’re exhausted.

No spankings, no bondage, just the two of us.

Later, I lie there with him draped over me and sweetly sleeping as I think about Elliot.

Missing him.

Hating that he’s alone in his bed and stressed because of his family. I texted him earlier, before we left my parents’ house, but he hasn’t replied yet.

What am I doing?

The psychologist says it’s admirable for me to want to keep a promise to a man whose terror and self-made restraints will forever keep him closeted, but that Elliot’s also a big boy and can take care of himself.

Except…he can’t.

Not really.

Worse, even Jordan sees it. He sees how stressed Elliot gets, can pick out the hidden terrors that fill Elliot’s soul, and just about predict what Elliot will do now. What he’ll need, and when.

In other words, Jordan’s exactly perfect to be what I want him to be for Elliot—another set of eyes who will proactively care for him.

If only Elliot would let him in. I can’t force him.

I mean, yeah, sure, Icould, but that’s not a recipe for success. Just like I can’t force Elliot to come out, either.

Everything aches in my soul when I contrast my dynamic with Elliot against how Jordan seems to think I’m the perfect man for him.

How easily everything flows between us.

I love Elliot. I can’t let him go.

With Jordan in my life, I no longer feel the burning resentment I used to. Now it’s a quiet sadness I do my best to hide from Elliot.

Because we could be so happy together, the three of us. Jordan could bring that light into his life, too. Iseeit in Elliot when he seems to forget the world and lets himself just be in the moment. I see how he enjoys Jordan’s company, how he laughs at my boy’s humor, how they even share a lot of the same interests.

I hate that Elliot’s alone right now, and he doesn’thaveto be.

I hate that when all is said and done, I feel helpless to heal my sweet pet’s lonely, scarred soul.

It takes me back to a Montana mountainside, and the sound of Brad’s dying pleas to his wife and kids to live on and be happy, while I was helpless to help him.

It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to help Elliot find that kind of resolute will to live past his fear and find true freedom for himself.

Or if I even should.

Chapter Forty-Three

Then — Second Term, Year 1