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THIRTY-THREE

JAXON

Days pass by both too fast and too slow. I don’t know what to do with myself half the time, trudging through our house hopelessly.

Everything is so empty without Wesley here, my world so much darker. Nothing holds joy for me anymore. I can barely get out of bed without crying until I make myself sick.

Kas and Mitch have stayed with me for the past month, ensuring I eat and shower, even though half the time I want to tell them to fuck off. The only reason I don’t is because I know they love Wesley too, and they’re only trying to help.

But I don’t want their help. I want my husband.

Even sleeping in the bed we shared fills me with such sadness I think I’ll lose my sanity as I wallow in my despair. Nothing brings me peace, even knowing Tech is dead. He deserved nothing less, but I wish he didn’t take my Wes with him.

A soft knock sounds at the bedroom door, and with effort, I turn over and tell whoever it is to come in.

Mitch pokes his head inside, giving me a soft smile. “Hey, how you feeling?”

“The same way I felt yesterday.”

“I get that. Listen, can I come in?”

I wave him inside the room and sit up painfully before pulling my knees to my chest.

He perches at the foot of my bed and runs a hand over his hair. “Kas and I were in the music room, straightening things up, and we found this.” He pulls a letter from his pocket and hands it to me. My name is scrawled on the front in Wesley’s graffiti-styled handwriting.

Tears fill my eyes as I press the envelope to my chest. “What is it?” I ask.

He shrugs. “It’s unopened. We didn’t read it. But we knew it was from Wesley. No one else writes like that.” We smile at each other, though our smiles full of sadness. “I’ll give you some privacy to read it. Shout if you need us.”

When he leaves, I study the letter for a while, just staring at his handwriting. Fuck, I miss him.

The letter pressed to my chest, I weep, that gaping hole in my chest tearing just a little more.

All the things that remind me of Wesley—which is everything —makes the Wesley-sized piece missing inside me bigger and more profound.

I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to go on without him.

Being awake hurts. Going to sleep without him hurts.

Dreaming about him hurts. My world is full of pain with him gone.

After I cry myself out, I scrub my face, clearing it of tears. Then I open the letter carefully so I don’t ruin the envelope.

I dry my hands on the comforter, not wanting any tears to mar the writing.

When I pull the letter out, I’m struck by the spicy scent of his cologne. I bring the letter to my nose and breathe in deeply, feeling like Wesley is in the room with me. He touched this letter. His hands and fingers manipulated it.

Wiping my tears, I open the note and smooth it out on the bed so I can read it.

A smile crosses my face when I see my name at the top. Dragging in a deep breath, I begin to read.

Jaxon,

Don’t think I’m a creep, but I’m writing this as I watch you sleep. That’s weird, right? Fuck it, I can’t help it. You have to be the most beautiful person I’ve ever met in my life. Not just on the outside but inside too. You’ve been my rock, the person I can count on through everything.

I look forward to our life together. I want to share everything with you, my ups, my downs, my triumphs, and my failures. I want you there through it all, just like I want to be there for you.

God, I fucking love you so much. I know I could just wake you up and tell you all this, but I like the idea of you having this reminder written down, so you’ll never doubt it. If ever you do, just look back on these words and know I will take my last breath loving you.

When you wake up, I plan to tell you, over and over, how much I love you. I plan to wake up with you and fall asleep with you every night. I plan to love you for the rest of my days. Tonight, we’ll gaze at the stars where our love is written in the heavens.

Now I’m going to hide this letter. Find me after you read it so I can tell you I love you again.

Look for me in the stars, baby.

Wes

I scoop up the letter and cradle it to my chest again, crying wrenching sobs.

I can’t find him and hear him tell me he loves me. I’ll never hear him say those words again.

I’m not sure how long I lie there, but between one blink and the next, my room is dark, the sun having descended.

No, I can’t lie here. I have to find him. I have to tell Wes I found his letter. He has to know I know how much he loves me.

Scrambling out of bed—after I carefully fold Wesley’s note and place it in my nightstand drawer—I hurry to my closet and put on a long-sleeved shirt and some sweatpants. I’m not sure if they match or not, but they’ll keep me warm in the chilly weather.

I head downstairs, scoop up my keys and wallet, and hurry to the door.

“Jax,” Mitch says behind me, and I freeze, my hand on the doorknob. “Where you going, man? It’s close to midnight.”

I sigh and turn to face him. He won’t understand, but I say, “Wes told me to find him. In the letter.” I hold it up so he can see. “So that’s what I’m doing. I have to talk to him.”

Mitch’s face grows impossibly sad, his eyes welling with tears. “Jax…he’s…he’s gone.”

I growl, but the gut punch of his words almost has me doubling over.

“I know that. Don’t you think I know that?

” I throw my hands in the air, not wiping away the tears that leak from my eyes.

“I go to sleep every night without my husband and wake up to a dark fucking world because he’s not in it! But I gotta go. I gotta find him.”

“Jax—”

“Let him go,” Kas says from the doorway of the kitchen. “Just…let him go, Mitch. It’s okay.” He meets my gaze. “Come back, okay? We can’t…we can’t lose you too.”

My shoulders droop, and I walk over to them both, then hug them hard. “Thank you for everything.”

Mitch holds on tight and says, “Call if you need us. We’ll be there.”

“I know. I love you both for that. Thanks for being here, helping me.”

Before I start another crying jag, I hurry out of the house. I climb behind the wheel of my car and pull out of the driveway, heading to the cemetery.

When I arrive, I’m able to breathe easier, able to inhale and exhale without pain.

I climb the small rise, first saying hi to my mother, kissing her headstone, then lower myself with my back pressed against Wesley’s. It was Dad’s idea to bury them beside each other, and I’m glad he did. I can visit the two people I love the most at the same time.

I know I shouldn’t sit here, letting the cold seep into my bones like it did my heart. But it’s the only place I can find my soulmate. He told me to find him, so I’m here.

Looking up at the sky, I say, “I found your letter. Well, Mitch found it. He and Kas have been staying with me, taking care of me. Thank you for bringing them into my life.” I pause and let loose a small sob.

“I love you too. I’ll always love you. No matter what happens, no matter how long I live, you will always be the love of my life.

And I’ll always look for you in the stars. ”