Page 36

TWENTY-SEVEN

WESLEY

It’s different going back to Mirrie’s office now.

I feel different. Freer than I’ve felt in a long time.

Even though memories plague me sometimes, they don’t bombard me as often as when I first got clean.

Jaxon and I have had sex like we’re fucking bunnies, and he’s fucked me as often as I’ve fucked him.

Not from behind though. I still can’t take that, and not seeing his face made me have a panic attack the one and only time we tried. But it’s gotten easier when we’re together. I even let him prep me the last time. He kept his eyes on me, pushing back his arousal to take care of me.

Mirrie notices the difference in me and comments on it almost immediately. “You look more relaxed than usual. Normally, you’d be pacing back and forth by now.”

I shrug and lower my head, heat rising in my cheeks. “I sorta have a boyfriend. He’s…perfect.”

Mirrie smiles. “That’s wonderful. Is he someone from your past?”

“Yeah. He’s…the one who blew the whistle on my ab use.

” I sigh and sit back against the couch.

“I hated him for so long, just for him to be the love of my life. He makes me better. When I woke up in the middle of the night from a panic attack, he was able to calm me down. I can only tolerate his touch. He’s my everything. ”

Mirrie tucks her legs under herself, her many bangles tinkling as she moves. “That’s really amazing. I want to hear all about him.”

I tell her about Jaxon, from when we first met to our date in Canada. I don’t tell her that I asked him to make love to me so I can erase the memory of Perry. I’m sure she would say it’s some unhealthy coping mechanism or some shit.

But I needed it. God, I needed it. To feel Jaxon like that, knowing he’s the only one, it meant everything.

She’s smiling by the time I finish telling her about him, making notes in her colorful notebook with her pen with the pom-pom on the end.

She sticks it behind her ear when she’s done, the puffiness of it clashing with her neat curly ponytailed fro.

“Well, I’m glad you have someone you can count on.

Does he know about you being in recovery? ”

“Yes. He doesn’t do anything that will interfere with my sobriety. He’s safe, and he wants me to live my life clean. I never have to worry about him attempting to jeopardize that. I don’t trust many people, but he’s at the top of that short list.”

“Trust is very important when you’re in recovery. I think it’s great that you found someone that you can trust in that way. There’s something else too, right?”

I nod, my heart kicking up. Even though I’m still going to do what I want, I don’t want Mirrie to put doubt in my head about it .

“Uh…I found out what I want to do with Suzette and the house. I called last week and scheduled an appointment for the house to be demolished. And I plan to leave the ashes of my egg donor in there when it goes down.”

Her face takes on a pensive expression, but she only nods. “Will that give you the closure you’re seeking?”

“I think so. She doesn’t deserve even that.

If it were up to me, I would have let her rot, and that would have been a fitting end.

But Jaxon picked up her ashes, and I don’t want him to be burdened with her any longer than he has to be.

And I can’t live in that town knowing the house I was tormented in is still standing. I’d rather fucking die.”

It’s hard for me to drive past it sometimes.

I try to avoid the road altogether, but it’s on the way of leaving town, and sometimes, I don’t have a choice.

It hurts less now and makes me angrier than anything else.

If I could, I’d tear the entire structure down with my bare hands.

I’d set it on fire and dance in the ashes.

I wish I had claim to Perry’s ashes so I could do the same to him, but from what I heard, he was buried by the state when his family refused to claim him because of his crimes.

They were smart. For the rest of my life, I’ll regret not telling Jaxon to let Suzette stay in the morgue until the state got rid of her.

To my surprise, Mirrie smiles. “I think we’re getting somewhere.

When you first started seeing me, you never would have expressed those kinds of strong emotions when you talked about your mom.

” I raise an eyebrow, and she amends. “About Suzette. You constantly asked to skip the subject and move on. Now, you’re opening up, and I’m happy to hear it.

If you believe demolishing the house and burying her ashes will help, I won’t tell you to do otherwise. Will you have support? ”

“Yeah,” I say with a smile. “Zed, Mitch and Kas are flying in today, and Jaxon and Bob, his dad, will be with me. I’m not sure if I told you, but Zed is my manager.

” She nods. “The demolition is scheduled for tomorrow. I already cleared it with the state, and they said it won’t cause a disturbance to the neighbors or surroundings. ”

“That’s good. Good luck,” she says, and she sounds as if she really means it. “I hope it brings you closure. Have you made amends with everything and everyone in your life?”

“Ugh. No. One more person, but I really fucking hate that guy.”

She giggles. “Making amends doesn’t mean you’re friends with the person you’re making amends with . It means you’re apologizing for the wrong you’ve done. That’s all you need to do. Would it help if you were in a controlled environment? Here or with your sponsor even?”

“Nah.” I wave her suggestion off. I might be opening up with my feelings more, but I don’t want anyone to see me dip back into the past to list out all my wrongs to someone.

Tech is a dick, and I’m sure when I reach out to him, he’ll chew me up and spit me out, and I’ll have no choice but to sit and take it. His feelings about what I did to him—shit-talking him to his face, hitting him, kicking him out of the band—are fucking valid, and I have to own up to what I did.

But that’s for me and only me. No one gets to see how fucked up I was and how much I have to make amends for.

Our therapy session ends shortly after, and I rush home, wanting to get the rooms cleaned and straightened up for my visitors.

Mitch and Kas said they didn’t mind crashing in together so Zed can have the second spare room.

They also vowed they wouldn’t bring any pills harder than Tylenol in the house. I appreciate it more than they know .

With a smile, I climb back into my car to head to the airport to retrieve my friends.

The next day, Jaxon wakes me up with a kiss on my cheek, his facial hair tickling my face. “Good morning, baby.”

He came over last night after I got back in with Zed, Mitch, and Kas.

They all welcomed him with open arms, talking to him as if they knew him forever.

After being starstruck for a few minutes, Jaxon relaxed into the conversation.

They told me how much they like him and that he’s good for me.

It made me glow that my friends approved of him.

I roll onto my back and claim Jaxon’s mouth in a deep kiss, not at all worried about morning breath. He settles between my legs, and after a brief moment of panic, I relax and wrap my legs around him.

His hard dick rubs against mine, and we rut against each other until we both explode in our underwear.

Panting, I turn my head to the side and smile. “That’s a great way to wake up in the morning.”

Especially this morning.

Today is the day I destroy the last of my demons and am able to move forward with my life.

We talked about it late into the night, and Jaxon agreed when I said I wanted to dump Suzette’s ashes onto the floor so they can mix and mingle with the dirt when everything is torn to the ground.

That will be the only thing that will help me sleep at night.

Insomnia has always been a bitch but living in the town where that house still stands is hell.

But I can’t move elsewhere because Jaxon is here.

The best option for me is tearing that house down and carting away the pieces.

Jaxon rolls over and kisses my cheek. “Figured that would help. Let’s clean up so we can get this business done.”

We shower and trot downstairs, Mitch, Zed, and Kas already waiting for us. Mitch looks exhausted, his eyes bloodshot. “Ugh, who wakes up at buttcrack o’clock?”

I grin at him and sit beside him on the couch. “It’s eight-fifteen. The time normal people wake up.”

“Dude, if I didn’t love you, I would go back to bed.” He leans his head on my shoulder, and I freeze for a second then relax. I’m getting better at tolerating touch from people I love.

“I appreciate it. More than you know.”

He turns tired eyes on me and grins. “I’m aware. I’ll always be here for you.”

Zed sits across from us on the coffee table, firmly in manager mode.

It was his job to keep us in line and on schedule, and it seems he hasn’t lost his flair for the dramatic, even though has hasn’t had to shoo us anywhere in months.

“Alright. The demolition company will be there in twenty minutes. They set up everything last night, so all they gotta do is show up. You need to have your end taken care of before they get there. Not a minute off schedule.”

The three of us grin at each other, used to the fast pace he sets for us.

“So that means…?” I ask, waving my hand for him to get to the part he wants to say.

“That means get your ass in gear. We gotta leave in three minutes.”

Kas laughs. “Never change, Zed. ”

Exactly three minutes later, we’re heading out of the house for the short drive over to my nightmare. Bob is there waiting, and I smile at him when we arrive, glad he was able to make it.

Even now, the house looks different than when I saw it last time. The machinery around it notwithstanding, the scary facade is peeled back and it appears weak and easily breakable, like one strong gust of wind will knock it from its foundation.

My boyfriend, his dad, my bandmates, and my manager stand around me as we peer up at the house. Bile rises in my throat, but I push it back. I’m determined to be stronger than my memories.

“Ready, baby?” Jaxon asks me in a low voice.

My tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth, so I simply nod.

He places a hand on my lower back and nudges me forward.

With him beside me, I put one foot in front of the other, taking the stairs of the porch on shaky legs.

He opens the door, and I’m relieved that the place is empty.

Jaxon told me last week he’d get someone over to remove everything, but I completely forgot until now.

I’m glad. There is nothing for my eyes to snag on to be plagued by shitty memories. All I see is a house, four walls, and shitty wallpaper. Unspeakable things happened to me here, but I’m able to put it out of my mind because none of my surroundings mean anything to me.

Holding out my hands, I motion for Jaxon to pass me the box with Suzette inside.

“I’m right here with you,” he whispers when he hands it off. He takes a step back and allows me to do whatever I need.

Blowing out a long breath, I open the box and lift the bag with her ashes in it out. I let the box drop and kick it away.

I reach into my pocket, pull out my knife and flick it open.

As I drag it across the cellophane bag, I say, “You deserve less than what you’re getting.

” Suzette can’t hear me, but I have to say this.

I have to get it off my chest, even if she never faces the knowledge of how much she fucked me up.

“You were a shit mother, and if I believed in it, I’d hope you were fucking roasting in hell. ”

With that, I dump her ashes on the ground and avoid getting any on my boots. I don’t want to carry any bit of her out of here. As one last parting gift, I spit on the ground beside where I dumped her. “Fuck you, Suzette.”

Jaxon wraps his arm around me and draws me into his side. “Anything else you need to do?”

“No. That’s it. I’m done here.” Without a backward glance, we leave and walk down to my family.

Not even a minute later, the demolition crew comes to take care of the house. First, we sign autographs for them.

We step back behind the line they designated for us and face the house. Jaxon slides his hand into mine and holds on tight. If he weren’t there, I would probably collapse into a puddle of tears.

“I’m here,” he whispers as if reading my mind. Bob grabs my other hand, and I smile over at him, the father I needed when mine was searching for me. I don’t even pull away from him, too wrapped up in the enormity of the moment.

Slowly, everyone I love places a hand on me, grounding me in the present, letting me know they’re all here for me. Even my past demons won’t let me recoil from their comfort .

As the crew knocks down walls and tears up the foundation, a torrent of tears leak from my eyes. But I don’t sob. I just let the tears cleanse me further, unleashing that last fragment of pain that was latched on to me while this structure still stood.

After the house is laid low, the sections in one pile of rubble, the crew picks up the pieces and drops them in a large container. We stand and watch through the entire process, not missing a beat.

No one complains, no one speaks, and no one moves until I do.

When the last bit of debris is cleared and the crew moves dirt to cover the holes in the ground where the foundation was, I let go of Bob and Jaxon’s hands, dropping to my knees as I look at the clear space in front of me.

No more will I have to see the place that was a prison for me as a child. No more will I be haunted by the memories of my abuse. No more will I have to worry about how to dispose of Suzette. It’s over. It’s all over.

Jaxon lowers himself in front of me, framing my face and kissing my forehead. “You did so good, baby. So good. I’m so proud of you.”

I look up at him through the last bit of tears I’ll ever shed for this place, and I smile at him. “I love you so much, Jaxon.”

“Not as much as I love you.”

My soul feels light as I get to my feet and hug the people I love. They all whisper words of support to me, and I know they mean it.

I may have had a fucked up life and been a shitty person, but I managed to find people who love and support me. That’s fucking priceless.

I’ll never take them for granted .

On the ride back to my house, I feel like everything in my life is settled, as it should be…except one thing.

To really live my life how I want, I have to reach out to Tech and make amends.

Then I can start living.