Page 41

THIRTY-TWO

JAXON

I’m numb. I can’t feel anything. Nothing penetrates me, not the tears, not the sobs, not the condolences, nothing. Nothing can soak through because I’m so fucking numb .

I’ve been numb since the doctor told me those ominous words. “ We tried everything we could .”

But they didn’t. They couldn’t have. If they did, Wesley would still be alive.

He wouldn’t be lying in a casket right now, those beautiful brown eyes closed forever.

No heartbeat under my palms when I lay them on his chest. If they did, I wouldn’t be listening to his bandmates give his eulogy.

If they tried everything they could, I wouldn’t be sitting here with a fist-sized hole in my heart, looking at the lifeless face of the only man I would ever love.

My father sits beside me, lending me his strength. He’s been through this. He knows how hard it is. But he had decades with my mother. I’ve only had two years with Wesley after we were reunited.

I wasn’t done loving him yet.

“I’m here, son,” Dad whispers to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders as he pulls me against him .

That’s when I lose it.

Hard, heavy sobs rack my body, tears I’ve kept pent-up since the doctors told me Wesley was dead, tears I kept pent-up while I planned his funeral, tears I kept pent-up while I did his hair in the stylish ponytail he grew to love, tears I kept pent-up when the funeral director rolled his casket inside and opened the lid flow out of me in heavy bursts, inhuman noises leaving my throat.

My hurt and pain all comes tumbling out, and I become lightheaded from the force of my sobs.

Hands grab at me to comfort me, but I only want my dad.

I only want to be comforted by him, the only person who knows what it’s like to lose the love of their life.

The only person who understands that I want to fucking die to escape the pain.

To get away from the knowledge that I have to live my life without my husband.

When I’ve calmed down enough to see past my tears, I say, “I need…to say good-bye.”

“Okay, Jaxon,” Dad says in a rough voice. “Hold on to me, kid. I won’t let you go.”

He walks me to the casket so I can say my final goodbyes, holding me up when I fear my legs will collapse under me.

Bending down, I gently kiss my soulmate’s cheek and whisper, “I’ll always love you, Wesley. Always. Wait for me, okay? I’ll find you in the stars.”