Page 32 of In Death’s Hands (The Threads of Fate #1)

Nathan

Liv doesn’t even look at me as she climbs the stairs with Atys, his bare ass swaying this way and that.

She laughs and shakes her head as he says something undoubtedly stupid, his arm still thrown around her shoulders.

She doesn’t seem to mind. I feel my hands tighten at my sides and know I’m showing too much, but my mind is lost recalling the noises she made when I touched her.

Kissed her. Goodness, how could I have kissed her?

I’m a heartless monster, that’s how.

“You’re fucked.”

I turn my head to Thalnus and don’t even bother denying it, which makes his blue eyes sparkle, and that makes me want to punch the smug look off his stupid face.

At least he’s wearing something, revealing enough of his dark skin but not nearly as much as his right-hand man.

I had to suppress very base instincts when Atys opened that door, utterly bare for Liv to take her fill.

I could see her curious stare, and wonder how curious she is exactly, my body tensing even more when I recall that they’re on their way to a bedroom right now.

I don’t get the instant connection between those two. They’ve barely ever talked. Never alone, that’s for sure. While I’ve been going to see her at her work, trying to connect with her for so long it feels almost like a lost cause.

She doesn’t owe me anything. I know that more than anyone, after all, but it’d be nice to not have to fight her for everything, let alone her own protection.

She’s so strong and yet feels so vulnerable in my hands.

The memory of her frail body in my arms will forever haunt me.

She’s the flame in my shadow-ridden life.

It pains me to think that flame and darkness are meant to coexist but never connect.

Once we find out what’s going on, once we figure out how to stop these accidents, she’ll go back to her life and her friends. I should be happy, but the thought only makes me cold.

I flinch as I recall the words that escaped me earlier. I never want her to know how badly I screwed up. Liv could be the fresh wind needed to get us all sailing in the right direction, as a tight unit. I barely remember those days.

The first weeks or so after we woke up, we were all so united in our goal.

We needed to understand ourselves, get control of our abilities and figure out what had happened to us.

There were many theories. Some initially thought we were just “born”, but the few memories and instincts we had seemed to indicate foul play.

That’s when doubts and suspicions started slithering their way into our hearts.

Borders between Crowns became more solid as distrust grew, culminating in an incident that cemented the end of our partnerships.

I drag my thoughts away from that incident in which I played a significant part, I’m ashamed to admit, and focus on the man in front of me.

Thalnus looks at me, seeming all too aware of my internal turmoil.

But he surprises me by motioning for me to follow him down a corridor on our right and opening a door to a study.

The room is elegantly decorated. Warm, with floor-to-ceiling shelves on all four walls, filled to the brim with books.

A big desk full of documents and open books sits in the centre with a big leather chair at its front and two plush armchairs facing it.

For someone that appears to be intent on spending his life partying and neglecting his duties, Thalnus certainly seems busy.

Sitting rather unceremoniously on the leather chair, he jerks his chin to one of the armchairs and takes a decanter and two crystal glasses out of a drawer.

My eyebrows shoot up as I sit down. I have never, ever sat down cordially with any ruler of a Crown. Or any of us, really, aside from Turan.

I’m still reeling, reassessing my previous beliefs, when he pushes a full glass to me and drinks from his own before raising his eyebrows and saying, “Gods?”

I sigh, accepting the drink despite feeling unnerved at the quiet, the peace between us. “I didn’t know what to tell her.”

He snorts—a sound I never thought I’d hear from the man. “Clearly.”

“And what the fuck should I have told her? The truth?” When he looks at me pointedly, I scoff. “Please.”

“How can you get a human involved and tell her nothing?”

“I told her what she needs to know.”

“What she needs is to be safe, and I don’t see how that’s possible when she doesn’t even know the truth about you.”

I sit there, utterly shocked and useless, as usual. I guess Liv has worked her magic on him just like she did on me. I don’t understand it. From the very first moment I gazed into her eyes, a piece of me was lost. That’s the only explanation I can find for every crazy decision I have taken since.

I swallow the knot in my throat and look at him, surprised to see more understanding in his eyes than I’d ever want to.

“Do you think she’s the one who—”

“Unlocked those memories?” I finish. “I don’t know.

I don’t think she could have.” I clench my teeth.

What we saw there… it changes everything.

Not only do we now know for certain that the Novensiles have been fighting us since even before we lost our memories, but they must have had help from one of us to take us to that damned cave.

I sit back in the armchair, trying to loosen each of my muscles. An impossible task. I don’t deserve to be relaxed anyway. Not after what I did to those poor souls. Not after what I did to Liv, not having learned my lesson all those years ago, it seems.

“I can feel your self-deprecation from here.”

I jerk at Thalnus’ words, my hands tightening around my glass. “I thought you of all people would appreciate that.”

The man doesn’t take the bait, but simply looks at me.

I’m at an utter loss as to what to do with this version of him.

Ever since we woke up, ever since he beat me to a pulp after finding out what I did, I have felt his hatred for me.

I took it on as my own, knowing it was well deserved.

And I grew resentful. I see that now. I’m envious of how carefree Atys is with Liv.

They have more freedom than I ever did. I am a slave to Death, as I always was. Always will be. I deserve nothing more.

“I never blamed you, you know.”

I scoff. “You certainly did.”

“No. I didn’t.” I lower my gaze, unable to meet his. “You have a harder task than most, and you had to face harder consequences than others. You learned from it, though. I see that now.”

Clearing my throat, trying to hide the emotions gathering there at his words, I ask, “Did I?”

“Did you what, brother?” Turan’s bright voice interrupts, and I stifle my sigh of relief.

She comes in like a breath of fresh air, as always, taking possession of the room in one colourful swoop.

Her flowing bright yellow dress twirls in her path as she closes the door behind her and comes to sit at my side.

She has more elegance in her little finger than I’ll ever have in my whole body.

“Turan,” greets Thalnus warmly, already preparing a glass for her.

She actually gets along well with these guys.

With everyone, really, even me. And it hits me suddenly.

How alone I am. In my never-ending task.

In my life. What life? I ask myself before quickly shedding the thoughts, knowing there is no point in going down that road.

I gave up a long time ago. And I know they think me strange and a recluse, but they don’t see what I see every day.

They don’t feel what I feel, being the last barrier between life and death.

It’s been so nice, being around Liv these last few days.

The fear for her safety overshadows everything but my relief to be among the living for once.

I still tend to my duties, of course, but it doesn’t feel like it’s my entire world anymore.

It’s like she’s my very own silver lining, and that’s a thought scarier than any other.

Especially when, as Thalnus acutely pointed out, I’ve been lying to her.

“It warms my little heart that so many members of foreign Crowns deign to grace my doorstep today,” drawls Thalnus, swirling the liquid in his glass.

Turan turns to him to bat her eyelashes.

That minx. Worst thing is, it actually works.

Thalnus’ eyes darken as they take her in, and a devious smile stretches his lips.

When I see her licking her lips, I wish I could turn blind or find a way to scrub my memory.

If we discover what caused the first memory loss, maybe I can make another, smaller one happen just for this moment.

“Will you help, then?” I ask, trying to get back to the reason for our little gathering.

“I’m here for support, obviously,” says Turan. “Veltha agreed to let me represent Roots.”

Thalnus turns to me with a devious look, and I know I won’t like what he’s about to say. “And who will speak for the Unseen Crown?”

“You know damn well I’m the spokesperson.”

“Spokesperson?” he asks, his annoyingly thick eyebrows nearly reaching his hairline. “Is that what we’re calling it these days? My, my… how the mighty have fallen.”

I grind my teeth, but to my shock, Turan intervenes.

“Liv is experiencing an incredible amount of changes and hardships right now. Adding to them might not be the best idea.”

Warmth spreads in my chest at her defending my choices.

“She is stronger than you think,” replies Thalnus.

I force my hand to soften its hold on the now empty glass, lest I shatter it. “How would you know that?”

“You forget who I am. I may have only just met her, but I sensed her emotions. I might even know her better than you do.”