Page 52 of I’ll Be Home for Christmas

Bella

Bella had been staring at the same blank page in her sketchbook ever since she’d got back from telling Liam that there was no future for them.

She loved Liam. But she would always choose her daughter first. And maybe Fred was right, maybe she couldn’t be trusted with Liam’s heart.

Perhaps this was her penance for all the hearts she’d broken in the past.

She had hoped to lose herself in work, to be anesthetized by the process; it wasn’t as if this was the first time she had mourned for Liam, after all.

But it seemed that inspiration—much like love—wouldn’t be visiting her any time soon.

Surely this time it be would easier, the sorrow would fade quicker; she hoped for small mercies.

The papers, ribbons and gifts for the last cracker orders of the season were laid out across the workbench but she didn’t have the will to put them together. She might never find the will again. She felt as though she’d been strung up by her ankles, tipped upside down and emptied out.

What’s done is done , she told herself. But the fissure in her heart had broken open wider than ever before, and this time she wasn’t sure the two halves would ever meet again. Oh, how her heart ached for him.

She stood and poured herself a coffee, looking out over the ocean that was never the same color twice.

And what if things had worked out between them, what then?

What if he had asked her to move to Windermere again, like he’d done all those years ago?

She couldn’t leave now, any more than she could have left then.

The aunts were getting old and, if it was possible, even more troublesome, and it wouldn’t be fair to expect Fred to take responsibility for them.

And she certainly wasn’t about to give up her business.

She let out a long, deep breath. It was all for the best. Eventually, this pain would recede; she just needed to get through the next few weeks.

If she kept telling herself this, surely eventually it would be true.

The door banged open, and Fred stood in the doorway with her hair wild from the wind and full of snowflakes, crimson circles for cheeks and a frankly deranged expression on her face.

“I know the truth about Liam.”

Bella felt a lump in her throat. She shook her head and said, “It’s okay. It doesn’t matter.”

Fred flapped her arms. “Doesn’t matter? Are you high?

Of course it matters!” She clasped her hands in front of her.

“Mum, I’m so sorry. Martha was right, I’ve been an absolute prat.

I need you to go to the Forest Inn right this minute and tell Liam you’ll be with him.

Right now! I didn’t mean what I said before.

I thought I did, but then I didn’t, and you were gone before I could tell you, and now I’ve made you make a horrible mistake. ”

Bella’s mind was spinning. “Martha called you a prat?”

“She did. And she was right. She told me everything.”

“Everything?”

“Everything about Liam at least. Which you should have told me, by the way. Why didn’t you?” Fred asked, taking down Bella’s coat from one of the hooks behind the door and holding it out for her.

“Because it wasn’t your weight to carry,” she said, numbly shoving her arms into the coat.

Fred began to fasten the buttons for her as though she was a child.

“But I never understood you. And how could I, if I didn’t know the biggest part of you?” Fred’s voice was exasperated as she grabbed a scarf and tied it around Bella’s neck.

“You are the biggest part of me, Fred.”

“Oh, Mum!” Fred exploded into tears. “Don’t try and make me feel better. I don’t deserve it. I am awful. I am a terrible, horrible person! You need to find Liam. Honestly, I think I have a chip missing, and it makes me stupid and stubborn and—”

“A prat?” Bella offered, unable to keep a straight face.

This morning, she hadn’t been sure she would ever feel like laughing again, but there was something incredibly funny about her straight-laced daughter self-flagellating in the workshop.

Fred’s tears were still coming thick and fast. “Are you laughing at me? Why are you laughing at me?”

“I’m sorry, darling, you have taken me rather by surprise; you know I react obtusely in emotionally charged situations.”

“It isn’t funny! I’ve ruined your life!”

“Sweetheart…” Bella put her arms out to Fred, but she recoiled.

“Stay away from me, I’m poison!”

Bella stifled a laugh but couldn’t squash her smile at the sight of her gloriously complicated daughter losing her shit.

She took Fred by the shoulders, holding her wild gaze steady.

“Thirty-five years ago, I had a baby girl, and I knew that I would be in love with her for the rest of my life. Fred, you gave me this wonderful life. If it weren’t for you, I might never have come to live with the aunts.

Never have lived in such beautiful surroundings or made such good friends.

If it weren’t for you, I might never have spent a lifetime doing what I love, designing and making crackers, building on the history of our ancestors.

How many people can honestly say they feel fulfilled in their life and career?

I can. Yes, I made choices for us that were hard to make. But I don’t regret them.”

“This time, you can make a different choice.” Fred hiccupped. “Be happy. Please.”

Bella’s voice was calm. “I’d always felt that there was an equal push and pull between Liam and me; we each had responsibilities that wouldn’t allow us to join the other.

But with hindsight, the onus was mostly on me to be the one to pack up and go to him; and ultimately it was always me that had to be the one to say no. ”

“I don’t understand what you’re saying. Who cares where the onus lies?

You want to be with him, so go be with him.

You should have the chance to live the kind of big love you’ve always dreamed of.

And if you decide to move to Windermere, then we can move the business there.

I’m sure the aunts won’t mind as long as they’ve got access to cocktails.

Or I’ll stay here and run it. We can make this work. You deserve to be happy.”

The snow was drifting in through the open door and banking up around the legs of the bench. Fred was looking at her like her life depended on Bella’s decision.

“She’s right.”

Over Fred’s shoulder, Liam stood in the doorway, snow covering his hair and the shoulders of his plaid lumberjack coat; even his beard was speckled with fluffy white flakes. Bella’s heart lurched in the way that only Liam had ever been able to achieve. Fred spun on her heel to face him.

“Liam…” Bella couldn’t manage more words.

Seeing him always left her dumbfounded for a few seconds, as though his mere presence scrambled all her communication channels.

When she was away from him, she could just about convince herself that perhaps she wasn’t hopelessly and irrevocably in love with him, but there was no chance of maintaining that lie when he was in the room.

Fred, on the other hand, seemed to have no such trouble finding her words.

“I don’t know if she’s ever told you this, but I’ve just discovered today that my mum has been wildly in love with you for the last thirty-odd years.

And if you don’t throw her over your shoulder right now and march her off into the sunset, then you’re a giant idiot.

You won’t find another woman who will love you as honestly and completely as my mum will.

Trust me, I’ve been total shit for years and she still thinks the sun shines out of my arse. ”

Liam rubbed his beard. “You done?” he asked Fred.

She pulled her shoulders back and elongated her neck as though trying to match his height. “For now,” she replied.

“Freddie the firecracker strikes again, huh?” he said to Bella.

Bella nodded, tears pricking her eyes.

“The thing is, I’ve been thinking a lot about this. And well, I’m not going to ask you to come live with me in Windermere again, Bells.”

“What?” Fred shrieked.

“Pipe down, shortcake,” Liam addressed Fred, before turning his attention back to Bella.

“If anyone’s going to be moving anywhere in the future, let it be me.

I’m not giving up on us without a fight.

Not this time, not ever again. I’d like to stay on here for a couple of weeks longer after the market, if you’ll have me.

And then after Christmas, let’s bugger off somewhere hot for a holiday, see how we get on.

And after that, if you’re still mad enough to love me, I’d like to try my hand at carving Scottish wood instead of English.

All my reasons for needing to stay in Windermere before are gone.

All I need is to be where you are, and you need to be here with your daughter, carrying on the cracker business together and keeping those crazy aunts of yours on the straight and narrow.

Unless, of course, the angry hordes come for Fred with flaming torches and pitchforks; she’s about as popular as chickenpox right now. ”

“Are you sure?” Bella asked.

“Well, they seemed pretty riled up to me.” Liam smiled.

“Not about Fred.” She laughed.

“Oh sure,” Fred muttered, “make a joke about it, we’ll be laughing about it all the way to my burning stake.”

“I don’t want to lose you again, Bells, life’s too short to live without love. So, if you’ll have me, I want to stay right here with you.”

Bella felt dizzy.

“I’ll just leave you two to it,” Fred said, casting a smile in her mum’s direction as she made her way out of the workshop and pulled the door closed behind her.

“Well?” Liam asked. “Will you have me?”

Bella crossed the floor, and Liam opened his arms to her. He was big and warm, if a little damp, and she breathed him in.

“I will,” she said, feeling his arms close around her and knowing that she was where she belonged.

Liam kissed the tracks of her tears and finally settled his mouth on hers.

Outside, the storm raged, howling through the cracks and rattling the windows.

While inside, a tempest of a steamier kind shook the walls as Bella and Liam made good use of that old sheepskin rug on the floor in front of the wood burner.