Page 51 of I’ll Be Home for Christmas

“She was about four months pregnant when the Christmas market arrived, and she met Liam for the first time. The chemistry between them was obvious right from the start, but your mum was pregnant and her experience with your father had made her cautious. I’d only known her a few weeks by then, but we were already firm friends, what with us both carrying.

I was ten years older than your mum, and I already had two kids; I suppose I kind of took her under my wing.

I could see that she was head over heels for Liam.

And he was for her. But they didn’t become a couple, as it were, until the year you turned two.

Their flirtation went on for so long, even Jane Austen would have told them to get a move on. ”

Fred almost spilled her tea. “Liam and Mum were together? Before? I didn’t know that!”

“You were very young, and they were discreet.”

“What happened?”

“Liam wanted to take Bella with him when the market left town that year, have her move in with his family and bring you up as his own. But she wouldn’t leave the aunts.

She was young and scared. You must remember, she’d already been let down badly by men.

In Pine Bluff she had security, a roof over her head and a job, and most importantly the aunts.

Life with Liam was an unknown quantity. She did what she thought was best for her little girl. ”

Fred hadn’t known it was possible to feel any worse, but apparently it was. “Couldn’t Liam have stayed here?” she asked.

“He offered to, but Bella wouldn’t hear of it.

He was only halfway through his carpentry training at the family business, and in her mind, there was no question that he could leave his apprenticeship for her.

They were both heartbroken when he left.

They wrote to each other every week. When he came back, the following year, it was like a flaming Mills and Boon novel. ”

“So, what happened?”

“Liam’s father had suffered a heart attack that October, and as the eldest of four brothers Liam had taken over a lot of the responsibility for the family business.

There was no way he could stay in Pine Bluff when so many people relied on him back home.

He begged Bella again to go with him—with you, of course.

But she was still terrified of making the wrong decision for you.

” Martha bit into a shortbread finger and chewed slowly, looking out of the small window.

The revelation felt like weights being attached to Fred’s limbs. She had held her mum to impossible standards and judged her in so many ways, without ever allowing space in her conclusions for another narrative. “I didn’t know,” she said weakly.

“Of course you didn’t. Your mum never wanted you to feel burdened with any of this. The choices she made were the right ones for you, and that was all that mattered to her.”

“But he came back each year for the market?”

Martha sighed. “He did. Every year for the next three years, he’d arrive with the market, and they’d pick up where they left off.

His father passed away two years after his heart attack, and his mum’s health wasn’t good, so Liam took over caring for his younger brothers, as well as the business, which meant that each time the market ended, he couldn’t stay, and Bella wouldn’t go, and they were right back where they started.

Bella was learning the cracker business from the aunts, which offered her the chance of a career she couldn’t have otherwise hoped for, and security for you.

” She topped up her tea and went to do the same for Fred, but saw that she had barely touched hers.

“I think in her heart your mum always thought they had time on their side; that one day their stars would align, and everything would simply fall into place for them. But I don’t think Liam’s heart could wait any longer.

He was two years older than her, and he wanted a relationship that was going to go somewhere.

The year you turned five, the Christmas market arrived and so did Liam, with a new sweetheart. ”

“Claire,” Fred guessed, remembering Liam’s lovely late wife.

Martha nodded. “Yes.”

“But they became friends.” Fred couldn’t hide her dismayed horror. “Mum and Claire. Wasn’t that hard for her? To be around them, I mean.” She was awed by the maturity her mum had been hiding under a bushel; in the same situation, Fred doubted she’d be able to channel such grace.

Martha sighed. “Oh, don’t get me wrong, your mother was heartbroken.

But what could she do? It wasn’t Claire’s fault.

It wasn’t anybody’s really, it simply wasn’t meant to be.

Despite what you may think”—she cast a loaded look Fred’s way, which caused her to shrink down in her seat—“your mum has vast depths of emotional intelligence. She knew it wasn’t fair to expect Liam to keep pining after her, year after year, when she was never going to give him the answer he wanted.

She loved him enough to want him to be happy, even if she couldn’t be. ”

It was as if someone had just pulled back the curtains and let in the cold light of day; suddenly it all made sense.

Those other men had been a temporary salve for her mum’s heartbreak.

At best she was looking for someone who would love her like Liam did, and at worst she was using them to paper over the cracks in her broken heart—and who could blame her for that?

She’d been worried that her mum would ruin her friendship with Liam and break his heart, but Liam was the reason she was broken, and he was the only cure.

Fred slumped forward with her head in her hands.

A feeling like vertigo and motion sickness combined swept over her as the foundations on which she’d built all her opinions crumbled like sandcastles beneath her feet.

“I am awful,” she mumbled through her fingers. “I am an awful, horrible person.”

“You are not awful. Just misinformed…Actually, you are a bit awful,” Martha added, after a moment’s consideration. “But it’s not too late to do something about it.”

“I’ve made such a mess of everything; I don’t even know where to start. The whole town despises me. Ryan…and I’ve ruined my mother’s life. Literally nobody could hate me more than I hate myself right now. I am Krampus! Merry fucking Christmas!”

When she took her head out of her hands, Martha was staring at her intently.

“Now then, are you going to sit here for the rest of the day, feeling sorry for yourself like a lump of coal at the bottom of a stocking, or are you going to harness the warrior heart of your Hallow-Hart ancestors and grab this situation by the balls? And if you tell me you don’t know how, I will shove this shortbread finger right up your nose. ”

Fred had hardly the time to answer before Martha had pulled her up out of her chair and marched her to the door.

“Oh, and Fred?” she called, as Fred stepped back out onto the busy street.

“Yes?”

“Tell Ryan how you feel. Life’s too short…”

Fred smiled back at her.

“I will. Thanks, Martha.”

“Oh, and one more thing before you go.”

“Yes?”

“Try to be less of a prat in future.”