Page 75 of I Dreamt That You Loved Me

“What did you do?” Gabriel asked.

I shook my head. “Nothing.”

“Nothing,” Ian scoffed. “She donated her inheritance to the charities that were near and dear to Nicky’s heart.”

Gabriel tugged me into his lap and nuzzled his nose into the side of my neck. “I feel so lucky to have you in my life, Baby Blue. Your heart is just as big and sloppy as mine.”

It was so true, and so sweet that I hadn’t even minded the nickname.

Now, I was just another devoted groupie watching the Rogue Prophets with Gabriel filling in for my dad as the lead singer, surrounded by twenty or thirty people, half of whom I’d never met.

My mom wrapped her arm around me, and we swayed to the music. She had tears in her eyes, and I was beginning to understand why it was so hard for her to move on.

Now I knew how it felt to be in love. Truly, deeply, madly.

And when you fall in love with a musician, their music plays on long after they’ve been gone.

CHAPTER THIRTY

It wasone in the morning, and everyone was dancing in the woods lit up with camping lanterns and ropes of string lights. It looked like a pagan ritual.

If one more person told me I looked exactly like Nicky, I was going to pummel them over the head with my Docs.

“I know you’re not Nicky,” Jeremy slurred, weaving on his feet. He was tall and gangly with a longish bowl cut that made him look like a friar. “You just look like him s’all. I couldn’t do what he did, man. They called me the worst front man in rock history. Can you fucking believe that shit? The British press is brutal.”

He took a drag of his cigarette, his face pensive.

After Nicky died, Jeremy tried to take over as front man, but it never really worked out. The band split up and they all went their separate ways. Ian launched a successful solo career, and Curtis started a new band, while Jeremy bounced around to different bands, never quite finding the right fit.

“I wanted to keep it going, you know?” Jeremy continued. “We didn’t want it to end. One minute you’re on top of the world and the next thing you know it’s all gone.” He stared off into space and I took that opportunity to make a hasty retreat.

I wandered through the party in the woods searching for Gabriel. The last time I saw him, we were getting drinks from the makeshift bar when a girl in a leather mini dress spilled her drink down the front of my dress.

Gabriel was coming back to the house with me so I could change when Ian and Curtis whisked him away to “talk music.” He’d earned their respect after jamming with them for an hour and singing like a “fucking rock star destined for greatness.”

“Hey, Cleo.” Mandy popped a strawberry into her mouth, wrapped her arms around me and danced to The Stone Roses’ “I Wanna Be Adored.” She smelled like patchouli and sweat and strawberries. “You’re all tense. You need to loosen up.”

“I’m not much of a party girl.”

She pulled back but kept dancing, her purple glitter eye shadow shimmering in the darkness. “Why not?”

“I don’t know.” It stemmed from my childhood, but we didn’t need to get into all that. It was, after all, a party and everyone else seemed to be having a blast, if the shrieks of laughter from the group behind me were any indication.

“Okay, I’m going to help you,” Mandy said, taking my hands in hers. “I want you to take deep, cleansing breaths. In through the nose and out through the mouth,” she coached, squeezing my hands and releasing them. Squeezing. Releasing. “Keep breathing and focus your mind on where you want the energy to flow. In. Out. In. Out.” She breathed in and out to show me how to do it.

“I think I’m okay but thanks. Have you seen Gabriel?” I tried to pull away, but she held on to my hands.

“Who?” Her brow furrowed.

“My boyfriend.”

“Oh! Jimmy? I saw him a little while ago. He was hanging out with Ian and Alice over by the Airstream.”

“Well, thanks for the…breathing exercises. I’m just going to look for him. See you later, Mandy.” I turned and walked away.

“Okay. But, Cleo…” I looked over my shoulder. “Try not to hold on so tight. Trust the universe.”

I walked all around the vans and Winnebagos and even stuck my head inside one of them only to slam the door shut and hurry away. I didnotneed to see that guy’s hairy ass.